Montana Jones

Best photos of 2009

2010-01-17T20:28:00.001-07:00

In 2009 I acquired a new camera, I hacked an old camera so that it will take infrared photos, and I took approximately 1,300 pictures. Not a bad year for photography.

I could not pick out my best photo of the year, but I was able to narrow the field down to my three favorites. Here they are:

Broccoli Beer Cheese Soup

2009-12-08T19:32:00.001-07:00

Start with a big soup pot.

1/4 cup butter.
1/4 cup flour.
A little bit of diced onion.

Melt the butter, stir in the onion, mix in the flour.

Add 1 can of beer.

Add a bunch of chicken stock. 3 cups oughtta do it.

A good dose of white pepper and black pepper and a little bit of cayenne pepper. A dash of garlic powder and a smidgen of celery seed.

Boil.

Simmer for 10 minutes.

1 pound of sharp cheddar cheese, shredded.
A dozen or so slices of American cheese. (Next time I am going for a pound and a half of the sharp cheddar.)

Slowly stir the cheese into the concoction until melted.

3 head of broccoli - chopped into bite sized florets.
2 white potatoes - diced into bite sized pieces.

Steam these before hand. (I hope you read ahead instead of following along.)

Stir 'em in.

Simmer for a few minutes until everything is good and hot.

Yummy!

Next time I am going to add some bacon bits.

I-9

2009-06-23T21:43:00.002-06:00

She:: Would you like me to mail a copy of my social security card?
Me:: No thanks, just list the number. You are really paranoid about this paperwork.
She:: Well you mentioned big fines.
Me:: I didn't intend to make it sound that serious. It works like this; we have to keep this I-9 paperwork on file for all employees in case some big government person asks for it. If, in the rare one in a bazillion chance that a government fool were to come snooping, we would have to prove that all our employees are eligible to work in the U.S. I have never heard of anyone ever being asked for this paper, but employers are threatened with fines and such to keep us in line. There would only be trouble if we were hiring illegal aliens. Personally, I am pretty confident that you are eligible to work in the United States.
She:: Only for about 40 years.
Me:: Right. So if the government hassles me about providing a job to a law abiding white American woman with a valid social security number, I will be sure to get in touch and get a copy of that document right away.

Overheard

2009-05-26T09:07:00.001-06:00

"The problem with people that think they know it all is they really annoy to those of us who do."

Good Government

2009-05-06T12:21:00.001-06:00

Sometimes your state government does something right. This post is a kudo to those that helped pass House Bill 531.

http://www.bozemandailychronicle.com/articles/2009/05/06/news/10cameras.txt

Gov. Brian Schweitzer Tuesday signed into a law a bill that bans the use of red-light cameras in Montana

Wilderness

2009-04-27T21:26:00.003-06:00

What is up with the call for wilderness these days?

Business People Call for More Wilderness in Northwest Montana

I am having a lot of trouble with what Wilderness entails. I understand that a wilderness designation places special rules on what can and can't be done in a piece of land. But what exactly? And I am at least a little suspicious of the business people in the above article. Could they really be trying to preserve their McMansions by having the government lock down "their backyard"?

I have read the wilderness act itself, and find little guidance there about how wilderness has been practically managed. Here is my summary of the restrictions listed therein.

Except for measures necessary to meet minimum requirements for administration of the area, including emergencies, health and safety.

No commercial enterprise
No permanent road
No temporary road
No motor vehicles
No motorized equipment
No motorboats
No landing of aircraft
No mechanical transport
No structure or installation

There are some exceptions listed in the act pertaining to aircraft and motorboat use established prior to 1964. There is also a big section pertaining to mining and mineral rights in effect up through 1983.

Don't get me wrong. I am a big fan of the wild outdoors. I know that places like the Bob Marshal Wilderness have benefited from the wilderness designation. I know that our state has benefited from the wilderness areas we enjoy. But as a visitor to wild areas I also know a little human intervention solves problems.

Establishing campsites and trails outside of wildlife migration routes reduces human/animal conflict.
Maintaining trails with modern chainsaws and equipment is less expensive and results in better-maintained and safer trails.
Shelter cabins can save lives.
Signs, trail markers and cairns aid in navigation and help localize and reduce human impact.

In other words, Wilderness areas and wilderness recreation do not mix very well. Perhaps they were not meant to. I think it is important that tracts of land are preserved from recreational interests as well as from commercial interests; a wilderness designation does that. But we should be careful about which pieces of land get padlocked up from all human interactions. Preserving wild lands for recreation and human use is also important. I think case by case evaluations would be a better choice than a blanket "Wilderness Good" proclamation.

And what about Glacier National Park?

The park Superintendent wants Glacier to be a wilderness area. I am suspicious of this too. Park management is already required to manage areas eligible for wilderness status as though it is wilderness. The superintendent says that the wilderness designation will just make these management policies permanent.

But casting wilderness into law will also overlay another set of potentially conflicting laws and rules on the existing management. What happens when the Park Service Organic Act conflicts with the requirements of a wilderness area? What happens when the rules for preserving historic structures conflict with the rules for managing wilderness areas?

The Wilderness Act is also hostile to wilderness recreation, as we have seen above. The National Park Service mission includes both preservation and providing for enjoyment. Making a National Park a wilderness does a service to one part of that mission, but a disservice to the other.

The National Park Service Wilderness Management Policies do call for assessments and studies before the change can be made. Unfortunately, the same policies make no mention of public comment or input.

The policies also call for public education programs and states:

Education is among the most effective tools for dealing with wilderness use and management problems and should generally be applied before more restrictive management tools.

I think the best thing that can happen right now is education, debate and discussion. There are far too many questions unanswered at this time for me to think that slapping "wilderness" all over the map is a good idea. So for any of you congress people or lawmakers out there, please keep right on doing what you have been doing. Nothing! Make no votes for new wilderness until the debate has reached the public and we better understand what we are doing to the future of our lands.

Tea Party

2009-04-15T11:30:00.000-06:00

I have a horrible urge to go to a local tea party with a giant banner that reads:

"But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"

Someone stop me before I go get my ass kicked.

Best Picture

2009-04-06T22:23:00.004-06:00

It is my pleasure to report that I have completed a great quest. I have watched every single movie that has won the Oscar for Best Picture. Well, that is not quite 100% true. I have not been able to locate the first winner, Wings (1927-1928); and Cavalcade (1932-1933) is mysteriously absent from Netflix. So except for those two films, I have seen every Best Picture from The Broadway Melody in 1929 to Slumdog Millionaire the winning film from 2008. Good enough, the quest is over.

I have been on this quest for about 15 years. It was around 1993 or so that a girlfriend of the time passed the meme on to me. The girlfriend turned out to be a flake, but the idea of watching all these movies has stuck with me. Before the internet it was slow going, I went through a bunch of video store memberships scouring out the old movies sections and wondering where in the hell was I going to find all of these films. The age of Netflix has made this particular quest much easier, and I would have completed it sooner if it were not also a cornucopia of time-consuming entertainment.

I have learned quite a bit about movies, American history, and perhaps even myself in the process. The biggest and greatest thing I have learned is:

The Academy Sucks

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences started the awards to recognize excellence of professionals in the film industry. I'm sure that there was a little self-promotional interest in creating the awards as well. Awards are voted on by Academy members, mostly film professionals, with actors currently the largest voting bloc. And frankly, their taste in movies sucks.

I can't really speak to some of the older awards, because I have never seen the other nominees. But of contemporary films, especially those released in my lifetime, I have a broader selection to compare with and I would not have chosen most of the winners.

For example, in 1979 Kramer vs. Kramer beat Apocalypse Now. Raiders of the Lost Ark lost to Chariots of Fire in 1981. And from 1983, which film would you have given the award to, The Big Chill, The Right Stuff, or Terms of Endearment? Other big losers include The Shawshank Redemption, Goodfellas, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and Star Wars.

To be fair, some of the losers that are highly regarded had some pretty tough competition. The beautiful Doctor Zhivago lost to The Sound of Music in 1965. That one could have gone either way and I would have been pleased with the choice. In 2003 the films nominated for best picture included Seabiscuit, Mystic River, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, and Lost in Translation. You can pretty much throw a dart while blindfolded and hit a winner on that list. It was The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King that took the prize that year. And if you are interested in a year with some serious competition, look back to 1939. The nominees that year included The Wizard of Oz, Stagecoach, Of Mice and Men, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and Goodbye, Mr. Chips. The winner that year was Gone with the Wind. What a great year to be a connoisseur of cinema.

A few years with a tough decision to make does not let the Academy off the hook though. In 1941 both Citizen Kane and The Maltese Falcon were nominated and lost the award to How Green Was My Valley. In 1946, It's a Wonderful Life lost to The Best Years of Our Lives. Dr. Strangelove lost to My Fair Lady in 1964. The Academy has picked wrong far too many times for me to trust their judgement.

The worst of the best

Don't let that "Best Picture" title fool you, many of the award winners downright sucked. Here are some titles notable for being the worst of the Best Picture list.

Hamlet (1948). Great source material does not always make a great movie. This film was a stinker. Every last line, even the funny bits, were delivered as slowly and dramatically as possible. Imagine, if you will, having William Shatner performing each part with the greatest dramatic intensity he can muster. "Rozencrantz! And! Guildenstern! Are! Dead!"

Tom Jones (1963). A completely empty headed tribute to misogyny. A good for nothing philandering bum of a hero can do no wrong, while the many women he philanders with can do no right. This film is the poster child for how to hate the hero.

Driving Miss Daisy (1989). So the good natured black chauffeur has lots in common with the stick up her ass Jewish white lady he drives around. You don't need to sit through the entire boring film to get this point. This film has no high points, interesting visuals, memorable scenes, or even much to think about.

And my absolute least favorite, worst of the best, most gawdawfull Best Picture ever: Around the World in 80 Days (1956). This film was nothing but a huge circle jerk of ego stroking for the hollywood hipsters of the day. Let us forgive all the racist moments in the film and all the blatant ethnic stereotyping. It was the 50's; they didn't know any better. This film was awful because it was boring as all fuck. This film was awful because the characters were cliché driven and had no actual development to them. This film was awful because it started with some wonderful source material and was re-written to be clever; and by clever I mean bad. And there was a reason that this awful film won. Apparently everybody who was anybody in Hollywood that year had a little cameo role in it. I recognized Frank Sinatra as the piano player in the San Francisco saloon, but that was about it for my recognizing the parade of who's who. A modern audience can certainly tell that lots of important people make an appearance in the movie, constantly throughout the entire film the camera will linger a little too long on some person in the background or someone with a bit part in the scene. That I can name only one of those people a half century later indicates to me that they were merly self-important. The films nominated that year included The Ten Commandments, The King and I, and Giant. This stupid movie won because half the Academy appeared in it.

The Best of the Best

The Best Picture list certainly had some pleasant surprises in it for me. I have to give high marks to some very old movies. All Quiet on the Western Front, the third film to win the award back in 1929-1930, was quite good. As was Mutiny on the Bounty from 1935. Humphry Bogart proves himself to be a stellar actor in Casablanca, 1943. And I will hold On The Waterfront from 1954 up against any modern film for its high quality and excellent storytelling.

The Best Picture quest has given me an appreciation for musicals that I was not expecting. Don't overlook Gigi(1958) for its entertainment value. It's hard not to like The Sound of Music(1965); and I am now a big fan of West Side Story(1961). Even My Fair Lady(1964) had me singing along. For fun flashbacks to how your grandparents (or great grandparents) liked to be entertained, look to The Great Ziegfeld(1936). The Broadway Melody(1928-1929) can also bring a smile, but back then they apparently thought it was okay to have only one song for an entire musical.

High quality war movies appear throughout the best picture list. Platoon(1986), The Deer Hunter(1978), Patton(1970), Lawrence of Arabia(1962), The Bridge on the River Kwai(1957), All Quiet on the Western Front(1929-1930). All good stuff.

Comedy is a little lacking. You Can't Take It With You(1938) is better when performed on stage. There was Annie Hall(1977), but you have to appreciate Woody Allen to enjoy it and not everyone appreciates Woody Allen. Shakespeare in Love(1998) counts as a romantic comedy, but I think It Happened One Night(1934) is the better romantic comedy. The Apartment(1960) is my favorite comedy, but its serious side weighs down the laughs it starts with and makes it hard to identify as comedy.

The political films from the list impressed me. The Life of Emile Zola(1937), All the Kings Men(1949), A Man for All Seasons(1966). If you don't like the way things are going, politically speaking, immerse yourself in these films for a different point of view.

There are only three westerns on the list. Unforgiven(1992) is quite possibly the best western genre film of all time. No Country for Old Men(2007) just barely qualifies as western. Cimarron(1930-1931) is only interesting for the historical perspective.

Other films worth going out of your way for: Grand Hotel(1931-1932), All About Eve(1950), Midnight Cowboy(1969), The Godfather(1972), and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest(1975).

Cinema and history

Browsing through 80 years worth of films gives an enlightening view of history. The evolution of the cinematic art form is fascinating and the changing culture we live in is illustrated better than any anthropologist could hope for.

Films of the 30's and 40's relied quite heavily on dialog and conversation to move the plot forward. Alfred Hitchcock's only best picture winner, Rebecca (1940) is a perfect example. The plot has all the twists and mind games one would expect from a Hitchcock film, but they are almost entirely presented through dialog. As a modern filmgoer who is used to a more visual story telling style, I found it somewhere between a challenge to follow and a bore.

As for the film making arts, following the chronology of films through the decades is like watching a flower bloom. Each new generation of filmakers can be seen borrowing heavily from their predecessors' best moments and adding their own new ideas. Sets and locations grow more complex and far flung. Soundscapes grow richer. Camera angles and motions become more interesting. Editing and pacing become more exciting. Gone With the Wind from 1939 was an epic film, the first all color film to win Best Picture. With spectacular images, huge cast, and a sweeping story line it set a high standard for what an epic film ought to be. Compare that to a modern epic like Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King from 2003 and the old epic feels pale and slow.

Film arts are not the only historical insight the Best Picture list offers. I found myself reveling in the peek at past cultures. There was an obvious emphasis on family life in early films. Cimmarron(1930-1931), You Can't Take it With You(1938), How Green Was My Valley(1941), Mrs. Miniver(1942), The Best Years of our Lives(1946), and Gentleman's Agreement(1947) all featured entire families as the protagonist. In the modern era families have not been important since Terms of Endearment in 1983. The best a modern film can offer are the faux families in Million Dollar Baby(2004) or Driving Miss Daisy(1989); or the broken and struggling families from American Beauty(1999) and Slumdog Millionaire(2008). The individual has grown to be more important than the family over the past century.

The taboos of culture could play a part in that shift. The Best Years of our Lives(1946) told the tale of three servicemen returning home from World War II. One serviceman finds his wife having an affair with another man. The film tap dances carefully around the adultery like it is reluctant to admit what is going on, even though it is an important point in the plot. The couple is always referred to as having "an unhappy marriage." Even in the scene where the cuckolded husband comes home to find wife and lover together in his apartment, there is not a hint of sex anywhere in the dialog or in the visuals. Everyone is fully dressed and no one will directly speak about what is obviously going on. Compare and contrast this with the adultery and blatant sexual content in American Beauty(1999). I am disappointed in the older film for its inability to be up front and forthcoming, but comparing it to the newer film suggests that our culture may have lost something important when we shed our taboos.

The rituals of romance have also evolved over the years. In Marty(1955) Ernest Borgnine goes from dedicated bachelor living with mom to marriage ready husband material over the course of one date. This film emphasizes how very important it is to be coupled up with someone and that there is something not quite right about single men. Less than ten years later we have Tom Jones(1963) gallivanting around England and sleeping with anything that has two legs and a vagina. This film celebrates how truly awesome it is to be an upperclassman amongst poor wenches and a single guy in a world where women are the lesser citizens. And the consequences of all this philandering? None that I could see.

And how about those romantic kids in Titanic(1997)? The classic story of love spanning the gap between cultures and classes. Heartwarming isn't it? For another take on the rich girl, common guy theme, look back to It Happened One Night(1934). Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert do a much better job than their contemporary counterparts in teaching each other, and the audience, about the finer points of their respective backgrounds.

The best picture list clearly defines World War II as the greatest source of cultural change our society has seen during the history of cinema. There are eight Best Pictures that take place in and around the events of WWII. From Mrs. Miniver(1942) with its prophetic optimism about the uncertain outcome of an ongoing war. Up to Schindler's List(1993) revisiting the human crises. The war gave filmmakers a huge stable of stories to tell with fascinating and heroic characters and exotic and worldly backdrops. Patton(1970) and The Bridge on the River Kwai(1957) showed us the best and worse of our military leaders. Casablanca(1943) and The Best Years of our Lives(1946) show us the struggles of ordinary people swept up by world events and coping with the aftermath.

Prior to the war, films that emphasized entertainment and leisure such as The Great Ziegfeld(1936) or You Can't Take it With You(1938) outnumbered films with a social message such as All Quiet on the Western Front(1929-1930) or The Life of Emile Zola(1937). After the war it is as though filmmakers found a new voice to speak with. It is as though frivolous entertainment was suddenly unimportant. Movies like The Lost Weekend(1945) and Gentleman's Agreement(1947) began pointing a spotlight on uncomfortable social truths. Even films about entertainment such as All About Eve(1950) and The Greatest Show on Earth(1952) featured characters with greater depth and more complex challenges than the big screen had seen before.

The growth of a filmgoer

A lot can happen to a person in 15 years. Since I made the goal of watching all these films I have lived at six different addresses, held four different jobs and gained over 30 pounds. It is hard to point to a list of 80 movies and say it changed my life. Even so, I think these movies have affected who I am. Without this quest I would never have bothered to see most of the movies older than I am. That would have left me horribly deprived of musicals. Singing and dancing spectacles are in fact great fun.

But it goes deeper than that. I am more open minded about my entertainment in general. In forcing myself to watch some films that I would have otherwise passed over I can recognize the merits of having an open mind and trying new things. I have been able to internalize the philosophy of "don't knock it until you have tried it." From clothing styles to racquetball, the best picture list has helped me encounter the new.

I would also like to claim a better critical eye. With a wide swath of movies to compare and contrast with it is now possible for me to better recognize quality as opposed to shiny gimmicks. The movies have helped me recognize this in other mediums as well.

The list has given me an illustrated guide to the history of my culture from the past 80 years. Filmmakers have accidentally captured dozens of topics from education to fashion to personal relationships when they thought they were filming something else. Watching phenomena like racism go from blatant to scorned. Watching technology like telephones change our society; from the businessmen in Grand Hotel(1931-1932) using them sparsely, to the gangsters of The Departed(2006) making them a part of their personalities. Life styles, cities and ideas have all risen and fallen on the big screen. This map of the past creates a fabulous glimpse into the possibilities of the future and reminds us that in all things, change is the only constant.

And so it is with me. For having perused the past, I am more ready for the future. For having studied the best I can now recognize the worst. Because films are ultimately about people they give us insight into how people act at their best and their worst and even at how it feels to cross the thin line between the two. The best picture quest has left me wiser and more mature for having completed it. I can only hope my next great quest, whatever that may be, will have such a profound impact on me.

Montana Vocabulary

2009-03-10T09:47:00.001-06:00

Winter

1 Noun: The layer of body fat that accumulates in the winter months. Syn: winter padding.

Usage:: "My pants and my winter don't get along."
"I didn't winter too bad this year."
"Falling didn't hurt, I landed on my winter."

2 Verb: To pass through or live through winter. To keep or manage during winter.

Usage:: "Hey Pete, how did you winter?"
"My mortgage wintered better than I did."

1969 was a very good year

2009-02-23T17:16:00.002-07:00

In 1969, man first walked on the moon.
In 1969 the first packet switched router connected two computers on different ends of the country.
In 1969 Monty Python's Flying Circus first aired in the UK.
In 1969 the Boeing 747 jumbo jet took its first flight.
In 1969 the first Automatic Teller Machine was installed.
In 1969 the first album in the heavy metal genre was released (Led Zepplin I).

Oh yeah, and in 1969 some guy named Jones was born. This blog is no longer the adventures of a thirty-something guy. It is now the adventures of a forty-something guy.

Presidents Day

2009-02-16T09:30:00.001-07:00

Dear President Obama,

Happy Presidents Day!

All that hard work has finally paid off for you, congratulations, your very first Presidents Day holiday all for yourself. I can't wait to see what sort of things you intend to do with your day. Barbecues? Fireworks? Parades? Painted eggs?

This is a big opportunity for you to make all sorts of new traditions. If I may be so bold, I would like to lobby for some new Presidents Day traditions you could get the ball rolling on.

Better presidents day cards would be cool. I am getting tired of getting these cards in the store and having to draw the Lincoln stovepipe hat on the naked dude shooting the arrows. How about some Presidents Day cards that are not so much work? Now I understand that Presidents day cards may be a little self serving, since you are pretty much the only person that will be getting them. I bet you are dodging this issue just to look a little more egalitarian.

So if cards are out, I think the thing that would be the most awesomest for Presidents Day would be chocolate presidents. Everyone would love 'em. Who wouldn't want to bite a chocolate president? Except, well, I wouldn't want anyone to think this was a black thing. Er, sorry, I mean an African American thing. You gotta be egalitarian, right? Must be sort of a burden to be the nations first chocolate president. But that is sort of funny though, isn't it? I bet all those republicans would like to lick a chocolate president right now. You licked them good in November. Er, sorry, that didn't come out right either. I didn't want to suggest that you, or anyone else for that matter, would ever want to lick a republican. Well, maybe if they had a nougat center and a creamy milk chocolate skin. Er, sorry, that didn't sound right either. I don't want to make this a black thing. I have lots of friends who are black. Really.

So maybe chocolate presidents are a bad idea too. Do you think that with your egalitarian goals perhaps Presidents Day ought to get moved to a different month? (you know, not black history month.) You wouldn't want it to look like you are trying to hog too many holidays.

I will get back to the drawing board for some more good Presidents Day ideas for you. There are some holidays that do great things with food. Painting eggs or carving up pumpkins. Lots of holidays have the barbecues going on, so that is getting a little cliche. How about a nice lasagna? I will get to work on your new tradition right away.

Happy Presidents Day.
Montana Jones

Shoes

2009-02-06T09:36:00.002-07:00

Ever have one of those self awareness moments where you suddenly realized you were doing something you did not know you were doing? I recently caught myself stumbling over this pile of crap in my living room. I have to laugh at myself for stumbling over some crap again and again and not doing anything about it. I'm going to file that one under 'things a bachelor can get away with.' The part that really caught me off guard was that this pile of crap was all shoes.

Who the hell lives here? Imelda Marcos?

The reason that all these shoes are in a pile in my living room is because I have worn them all recently. It's not like I have a closet full of high heel, open toe fashion accessories waiting to be worn once and put aside. I freakin' use all these. Is that weird? Is it unmanly? Are there people that can get by with only a couple pairs of shoes? I dunno.

The new running shoes. Not too many miles on them yet. Used most recently for playing racquetball.
The old hiking boots. The sole is worn, the waterproofing is shot, the stitching is breaking apart, the lining is torn and ratty. But much loved and have carried me many a weary mile. I am now trying to figure out where old boots go when they die.
The new Christmas gift shoes. Comfy and easy to slip in and out of. An easy shoe for wintry weather.
Converse all stars. Cool, hip, fashionable, and fairly new. Perhaps these should be in the closet. I probably won't be wearing them again until the weather warms up and dries out.
The old running shoes. These dudes carried me through the Seattle Marathon several years ago. They are now my everyday sneaker.
I pulled these sneakers out of the closet to make some winter skydives. Boots with hooks for the laces are a poor safety choice and I needed something heavier and warmer than a running shoe for landing in the snow.
The new boots. Brand spanking new hikers. I just spent the better part of a week waterproofing them and sealing the seams. They went for the first walk across town the other day. I can only hope they will carry me as far as the old hiking boots did.

I just made a cursory glance at my closet, only five more pairs of shoes in there. Dress shoes, sandals, field cleats, worn out trail runners and some sneakers that never did fit right.

Ladies, for the record, if you have in your closet a pair of high heel, black leather, calf high boots that you almost never wear but they go oh-so-well with that one skirt… That is okay with me. I understand. I was window shopping the other day and saw a pair of cowboy boots and thought to myself "Oooh!" Is that bad?

Thank You

2009-01-29T13:49:00.001-07:00

Dear _her and _he,

This is a thank you note for the super spiffy Christmas gift. I apologize for procrastinating my gratitude like some nine-year-old that can't quite figure out the importance of thanking Aunt Edna for the gawdaful sweater. But I have a good excuse. I have been too busy enjoying my new shoes.

As _R will attest, I am fiercely picky about my footwear. When I opened the box I gave the shoes a long sideways glance of skepticism. But in the spirit of optimism and gifts gladly given I tried them on. It was a delight to discover that your choice in footgear completely and totally rocks! They are comfy, convenient, and fit like I have been wearing them my whole life.

Mere moments ago I slipped them on to traverse the snowy driveway and deliver a bag of trash to its receptacle. Without your gift that would have been a five minute ordeal of finding and lacing up some other kicks. But that's not all… I have also used these shoes to trample paths through the snow for little old ladies trying to navigate their walkers in the cold harsh outdoors. I have used these shoes as a template for a new line of fashion accessories I am designing. I have used these shoes to chock the tires of a runaway school bus, saving the lives of dozens of children. I have used these shoes as a counterweight in an extensive series of scientific experiments that chart the origin of black holes. (Turns out they have the perfect mass for offsetting the antimatter created by the Large Hadron Collider. Who knew?) I have used these shoes to trample the evil intentions of third world dictators while on secret assignment with the CIA. They even look stylish when I am on stage performing sold out shows with my rock band.

So I apologize for being a little late with the thank you note. I certainly don't want you to think the gift is unappreciated. I think the shoes are fantastic and I know I will be wearing them for years to come. I also think the two of you are fantastic for thinking of me this past Christmas. Aunt Edna, on the other hand, well, her sweater will make a great polishing rag for my awesome new shoes.

Yours in gratitude,
Montana Jones

I'm gonna miss Bush jokes

2009-01-22T13:45:00.001-07:00

At one of his morning briefings president Bush was told that two Brazilian soldiers had been killed. To the surprise of his staff, Bush reacted quite shocked at the news. He had never had the same reaction to news of American deaths. After a few moments pause and reflection he turned to his staff and asked "How many are in a brazillion?"

So I went into the bar the other day where I found Bush and Cheney bellied up to the bar sipping their beers. I was so amazed to find them there I had to go up and ask "Hey aren't you guys the leaders of the free world? What are you doing here in my neighborhood bar?"

To which Bush replied "We like going to out of the way places like this to plan big things like our invasion of Iran."

"Whoa" says I, "Your are invading Iran?!? How is that going to happen?"

"Well," says Bush, "We plan to kill five hundred thousand Iranians and one bicycle repair man."

"No way!" says I, "Why would you kill a bicycle repair man?"

Bush then smacks Cheney on the arm and says "See! I told you no one would care about five hundred thousand dead Iranians."

Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

Found in my inbox

2009-01-12T16:16:00.002-07:00

Swag means "stuff". And FYI in this crazy land, 'slash' means cut, not piss. And 'pissed' means mad not drunk. And 'mad' means angry, not crazy. I know it's bizarre

Tastes like onion

2009-01-09T17:51:00.002-07:00

I woke up with a strong onion flavor in my mouth. I had brushed my teeth before bed but the taste was still there, it was strong enough that I had to jump from bed to brush again. Much of the morning was spent munching peanut butter sandwiches and chewing grape bubble gum. The residual onion flavor lingered through a few more tooth brushings and the mid day meal.

I had put my new food processor X-Mas gift to work the other day. I tossed in a couple tomatoes and some jalapeños and onion and green onion and garlic and spice and such. The goal was a Pico de Gaillo type concoction.

Turns out that I did not have enough tomato and the stuff turned into a spicy green sauce. A spicy green onion sauce. You know how your eyes get all watery when you cut raw onion? That burning sensation in your sinus that screams "raw onion!" My sauce tasted just like that. It looked like Jolly Green Giant jism and it was the flavor of Satan's onion patch.

I have been known to eat a raw onion from time to time. I can enjoy strongly flavored foods. This stuff tasted like all the onion tears ever cried got frozen into a solid brick and then clubbed my brain.

This stuff tasted like onion acid was being injected into my sinus.

This stuff tasted like pinpricks of evil.

This stuff tasted like the day I got heat stroke.

This stuff tasted like suffocating under a mountain of onion.

It was not very good and had strong onion overtones.

You would think that by the fifth or sixth sample I would stop trying to cover the flavor with more cumin and basil and just quit eating it.

It tasted like onion spit.

I tried to salvage it by adding a can of tomato sauce and cooking it a bit. I think that helped mellow it a lot, in fact it may have saved it and turned it into a nice salsa. But I was pretty tired of taste testing by this point so I just stuck it in the fridge. My current dilemma is if I should taste it again or let it lurk in my fridge as the mystery condiment discovered years hence? I am in no hurry to try. After the last go around everything tasted like onion for a day; even my toothpaste.

The second best photo of 2008

2009-01-07T16:47:00.003-07:00

After carefully reviewing the 736 photos I took in 2008, I have concluded that the best one is this goat that I have already published here.

The runner up, second best photo of the year is this one:

Inflation sucks

2008-12-17T20:35:00.002-07:00

Me:: Even with all the other expenses going up, at least fuel is dropping.
She:: But we are still be paying those energy charges that were added. You remember the laundry added twenty bucks to our bill for the trucking cost? Well, they aren't taking it off even though gas is back down.
Me:: True. And we can't do anything about it. And it sucks.

Going back to the food bank

2008-11-19T19:50:00.002-07:00

I came back to work another volunteer shift at the food bank. It has been about six months since I have last been here. Most everything is still the same, except for the things that have changed.

The sign that reads "Milk is only available to families with children" has been upgraded from a handwritten note on the back of a newsletter to a word processed and printed sign on a fresh sheet of paper cradled in a sheet protector. It used to get taken down when milk supplies were good. Looks like that hasn't happened in a while.

There is stress in the air that was not here a half year ago. Volunteers are bailing out the moment their shift ends instead of lingering to help with one more thing. Not as many people are smiling.

The place is busy. All last winter I never worked a shift as crazy busy as my first couple hours back.

A temporary work station has been built out of milk crates in the prep area. Apparently it has been busy enough that it's not worth the effort to pack it up.

There are gaps in our record books now from people taking a number to get in queue, but leaving before they make it to the front of the busy waiting room.

There are war stories now. The full time employees talk of a bleak day in October when they gave out over twelve thousand pounds of food in a single day. That's more food than the big real estate agent food drive brought in. Some of the smaller pantries in the county were cleaned out down to the bare shelves that day.

I don't know about you, but when the food bank gets busy like this I start getting scared.

Learning experience

2008-10-26T17:17:00.001-06:00

Me:: I'm looking forward to B_'s first birthday party. How's our little guy doing?
He:: He is smiling, pooping and climbing up things. He got this bump on the head here when he tried to climb the rock out front.
Me:: Awww, did you take a bump to the noggin? Sounds like a learning experience to me.
She:: He is learning to stand up and to fall over.
Me:: Roll with it little buddy. You are going to have many opportunities in this life to discover that our best learning experiences are also a little painful.

The meeting earlier in the day was decidedly tense. We were determined to do our business on our own terms. BP_ and I had been preparing for weeks. Months in fact. We had the issues spelled out as clearly as possible. We had our goals defined. Our talking points were rehearsed. We were confident. We were prepared to meet anger, antagonism and personal attacks. We even had secret signals ready to help each other out if things started to go badly. It is a difficult thing to confront someone else, demand respect, and insist that they make sacrifices to change the status quo. As with most battle plans, ours did not survive the first contact.

Higher Power chastised us first thing for the stern tone we were taking in our written statements. A lot of people in that room were expecting the worst and in shields up mode. We were able to stand our ground quite successfully. They conceded many points we were not expecting. We conceded on points as well. I learned some things.

I learned that preparation is everything. Even though the battle plan was down in flames in the first moments we still had our goals, resources and a solid knowledge of the ground we were trying to cover.

I learned that while long standing issues are best resolved before they are long standing, sometimes they become long standing because of talking softly. For right or wrong, we had to remind some people that we also carried a big stick.

I learned that if a long standing issue is not getting resolved, being stern and wielding the big stick will suddenly get a lot of attention pointed at the issue. Sometimes more attention than expected. If you are sure you are in the right, and you will know if you did your preparation correctly, you can stand your ground confidently.

I learned that when you rock the boat it makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. Rocking the boat can make yourself very uncomfortable as well. I learned that I do not want to rock the boat very often.

For good or ill the stern tone worked. I don't know if it is the same thing as respect, but I do know that I was taken seriously and the outcome of the meeting was favorable to us. It is a day I will remember for a long time. The experience was a little painful. One year olds are not the only ones that ache for a while after a learning experience.

From the Spokane Half Marathon

2008-10-15T18:00:00.002-06:00

The best way to see a new city is to run a marathon in it. (Half marathons are good too.) Spokane, I salute your beautiful city.
I swear, the next race I run I will train for the last miles as much as I train for the first miles. (I think I told myself this after my last race too.)
Do not fear the hills.
It takes about a quarter mile to go from cold and underdressed to hot and overdressed.
Hey race organizers; how about taking a ten cent piece of chalk and drawing a line on the sidewalk where the finish line is. Do the same for the starting line too. And get a gun or honk a horn or make some sort of loud noise to indicate the start of the race.
More volunteers stationed in the last third of the course please. More cheering spectators would be good too. It's lonely near the end.
It sucks when your watch battery dies at the starting line.
Not knowing the time did not really affect my pace.
Not knowing the time gives me less to think about while running.
Who in their right mind thinks that watermelon is a good flavor for a sports drink? Are your really trying to make me barf mid race?
In the latter portion of the race I asked all the volunteers I passed if I was winning. Some of them said yes, some of them said no, I don't think any of them found the question as amusing as I did.
Some people run funny. How is it possible to move forward at a run while holding your knees together and throwing your feet out to the side? Also, dude, don't shuffle your feet. Pick your foot all the way up off the ground and then put the heel down first and roll across the ball of your foot and launch with your toe.
I finished this half marathon in half the time of my last marathon back in 2003. Not bad for being under trained and having a nasty cold.
Sorry girl right behind me at the finish line, but there was no way I was going to let you pass me in the last 100 yards of a race.
Extra special thanks to the girl at the race start that directed us to the empty public toilet just out of sight from the hundred person long line for the port-a-johns.
The next day I had almost no pain at all. That is good clean living right there.
If you are ever passing through Coeur d'Alene, Hudson's is the best damn hamburger joint anywhere.

Froggy

2008-09-19T17:51:00.004-06:00

Qaaarch, Qaaarch, qaarch!

What the hell is that noise? I had the phone tied to one ear and taking at least half of my attention. I couldn't figure out what that bizarre noise was or where it was coming from. The noise stopped before the phone call did.

Hours later, in bed, while drifting in a pleasant snooze I heard it again. Qaaarch, squaaarch, Qaaarch! Ye gods! What is that? The noise promptly stopped again, but I got out of bed and investigated anyway. Patrolling through my living room in the dark with a flashlight.

The only thing out of ordinary was the new pile of crap I brought back from the summer office. Was it a phone in there somewhere? A smoke detector? BP_ was using some CO2 detectors for one of her recent projects, but how would one of those have ended up in a box of paperwork? I had to investigate. On top of the pile was a camp chair borrowed from the office, I dragged it out to it's intended home on the porch and when I opened it something fell out and landed on my bare foot. It moved. I jumped. It jumped. I made the noise this time, "Eeeearch!" and made the tippy toe -- eeew I have something alive on me -- dance back into the house and slammed the screen door closed.

With wits back about me I investigated again with flashlight, and the little gray lump that had fallen from the char was a frog. Cute little guy, about an inch across. Amazing that the little thing could make such a loud and obnoxious noise. I Googled frogs and guessed that it was probably a pacific tree frog, not poisonous, and put myself back to bed. It took a while to fall asleep again, and I dreamed of vicious spiky attack frogs.

The next morning the little guy was still on the porch, climbing the legs of the camp chair, the home I had obviously co-opted and transported many miles from it's source. Now instead of having trees and grasses and wild lands close by, the little bugger was stuck on a second floor balcony. The only wilderness being an oregano planter and the scattered beer bottles on the neighbor's side of the divider.

I did more Googling. The little guy is going to need water and heat and bugs to eat. Either that, or a safe place to hibernate for the winter. I feel bad for taking him from what was probably a nice home back at the office porch and moving him to a city balcony. I gently rearranged the camp chair to a better spot on the porch and put out a dish of water.

After a morning of running errands, I looked in on froggy again. He was out of the chair and sunning himself on the porch. I sat down to watch him for a while and he made a tentative hop. I was admiring his froglike grace and wondering weather he would be foolish enough to jump off the edge when he made another, bigger jump. "Aiiiiie!" I cried out as he went flying off the edge of the balcony. I peered over the railing until I spotted his little gray lump in the lawn below. I knew I had to resolve this frog issue once and for all.

I fetched a Tupperware and lid, added a splash of water and went down to the lawn below. He appeared unharmed from his mighty leap and it took no effort to coax him to hop into the little container. I held the lid over top, askew so air could get in and walked him to the little pond a couple minutes away.

In a shady spot next to a tree I put the container down, removing the lid. I sat next to him for a while and took stock of the nearby water with lots of algae and bugs and the muddy shore with grass, reeds and willows. There were ducks, turtles, spider webs and life all around. I worried a little about birds and cats and other critters that could eat frogs. I actually thought about scooping him up and taking him back home. But this was a good a place for him.

Strange the way the universe can pick us up and put us down again so far from where we are born. Sometimes fate gives us a nice landing spot, sometimes you end up in a cage, and sometimes there are predators and challenges to overcome. Even with my good intentions I don't know if I ended up helping or hurting the little frog that chose to live in my chair.

After we sat together unmoving for a while I got tired of waiting for froggy to take the initiative and hop away. I picked up the Tupperware and shook the little bugger out onto the ground. Sometimes, even if you don't do anything the universe will push your ass around anyway.

Air Guitars

2008-09-17T20:34:00.003-06:00

Grammar Police

2008-09-14T05:04:00.000-06:00

Me:: Are you driving back to Missoula tonight?
She:: Yeah.
Me:: Well, drive safe.
She:: I will. I'll drive safely too.
Me:: And don't let the grammar police catch you.

Overheard in Whitefish

2008-08-06T20:31:00.000-06:00

They:: Hey, do you guys know where there's a bar that takes Canadian money?
He:: Canada.

Montana has been good to me

2008-08-03T22:04:00.002-06:00

Me:: Montana has been good to me.
MM:: It shows.
Me:: I am very happy with the time I have spent here.
MM:: Already today I have had a few moments of "I wish I woulda… Why didn't I?"
Me:: Well, I hope you get your chance.
MM:: Oh, I will. Just gotta do my time and work things out with the missus. I know of quite a few people that left here and regretted it.
Me:: It is a common theme, especially among the young. A lot of young people look around Montana and don't see anything. They don't see the same things they see on teevee. So they think that if they just get out life will be better, if they just go to California or New York or Florida or wherever they will get their big break. Most of them go and it turns into a learning experience for them.
MM:: Important rule of thumb. When you choose to leave paradise, when you choose to leave heaven, you must first negotiate passage for reentry.

Goat

2008-07-24T21:17:00.000-06:00

Woman, fetch my beer

2008-07-23T07:57:00.001-06:00

She:: Want me to get your beer?
Me:: No, please, under no circumstances should you get my beer.
She:: Under no circumstances?
Me:: It's the domestic implications that disturb me. <redneck>Woman, fetch muh beer!</redneck>
She:: Ha. Well, if you ever say it like that I'm throwing your ass off the balcony. But I was going to go get my ice tea and I thought while I was up I could bring your beer.
Me:: Naw, I'll have it with dinner.

Go jump in a lake

2008-07-15T21:19:00.001-06:00

The trail was hot and dry, like trails sometimes are. My feet were feeling abused and trampled by the time I pulled the boots off and replaced them with sandals. I decided I had enough time to go dip my feet in the lake. The water was cool and soothing and when I waded in deep enough for it to start lapping at the hem of my shorts I knew more drastic action was in order.

I waded back to the rocky shore and dropped my hat on the beach. Emptying my pockets I tucked my keys and wallet under the hat and deposited my sunglasses there as well. Then it was a sudden charge back toward the lake and a face first lunge into cold refreshing luxury. I paddled, splashed and swam. It only took a minute or so until I was soothed, even chilled, from the hot trail.

Back at the shore I collected my belongings. When I donned my hat and sunglasses there was a ripple of applause from the people gathered on the boat dock. I laughed and waved at my new fans. Clothes soaked and dripping I made my way up the sidewalk toward the parking lot.

Observed in Hungry Horse on the Fourth of July

2008-07-06T21:05:00.001-06:00

This year the observers were segregated to one side of the street and the participants were on the other.
At least one family set up their lawn chairs a full three quarters of a mile up the highway, well out of range.
I saw two teenagers duck, cover and crawl into the fetal position when they realized they were too close to their explosives.
At least one group found it more entertaining to launch their fireworks horizontally.
In the half hour I was there, I saw two explosives go off in the middle of the highway between the passing cars.
The alert helicopter was spotted in the Martin City area.
One dude with a beer and a mullet was overheard instructing his wife and age seven-ish son: "Are you crazy? That there is a mortar shell, you need to fire it farther back. Put it near those people."

Most snow

2008-07-01T20:30:00.001-06:00

Me:: It's the most snow I have ever opened up in.
Older Generation:: Sure.
Me:: And A_ said it was the most snow he has ever seen at opening.
OG:: Can't be that bad.
Me:: Mom said it was the second most snow she has ever opened up in; with the most being when she was a kid in 1954.
OG:: Well, she was shorter then.

Pre Hike Checklist

2008-06-30T19:09:00.002-06:00

Clothing to wear:

Base layer socks
Sturdy hiking socks
Underpants
Shorts
Synthetic, wicking fabric shirt
Denim or flannel shirt
Boots
Bandana
Hat

Clothing to pack:

Long pants
Cotton tee shirt (or two)
Fleece or warm jacket
Waterproof jacket
Extra socks
Extra underpants on multiple night adventures.
Gloves. (Type dependant on season and work to be done.)
Spare bandana

Gear to pack:

First aid kit
Sports tape
Flashlight
Bug dope
Toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss
Water bottles
Food

Utility Belt:

Bear spray
Camera
Binoculars
Spare battery
Leatherman

Tools:
(depending on the work to be done)

N100 dust mask. (Hantavirus protection)
Keys
Phone
Radio
Screwdrivers
Voltmeter
Notebook & pencil

Eating Crow

2008-05-29T07:40:00.001-06:00

Me:: I went ahead and hired X_
He:: Really?
Me:: Yeah, I didn't want to waste time beating the bushes hoping for someone better. I figure the devil I know is better than the devil I don't.
He:: There is that. Yeah, you could do worse than X_. Sometimes you have to eat crow.
Me:: I understand crow goes well in a cream sauce.
He:: Sauce it up however you can. Add lots of pepper and plenty of wine.

Things I have learned about running a business

2008-05-09T09:39:00.002-06:00

I have friends that want to start a small business. I want to give them advice and help them understand what they are getting into, but they are optimistic and enthusiastic and somehow think my insights don't apply to them. I sigh and roll my eyes at them just as they sigh and roll their eyes at me. We are very good friends.

Thinking about the adventure they are undertaking has given me a lot of insight into the adventure I am going through. It has helped me understand some things I have learned. So whether you take it or not, here is my advice for people starting a new business. The things I have learned by running a business.

Everything takes longer than you think it should.

Almost everything I have tried to do in my business has taken longer, and sometimes a lot longer, than I thought it should. Things like hiring employees, changing the menu, printing business cards, making repairs. Nothing terribly hard, but they just take longer than I think they should.

Sometimes it is because you end up waiting on other people. You Email out a question to someone and they take several days to respond. People have to check their schedules, finish their projects, do something in their lives before they can give your issue any attention.

Sometimes it is because you are busier than you think you are. Most jobs have a regular routine with lots of things to do and fitting that one new and extra thing into the schedule is just plain tough. It may be a simple thing, but you still can't stop everything else just to do it.

Sometimes is because of something unpredictable. Road construction delays the trip to the bank or forgetting that one important document and having to go back for it. Your delays could be from illness, or snowstorms or other more important things cropping up. The universe just messes with you sometimes.

I have seen this phenomena before when I was someone else's employee. It was a minor nuisance then, I thought it was an example of the business not being as well run as it ought to be. Now that I am the employer I see it more and more in almost every aspect of the business. It is not just a nuisance, it is a serious obstacle that needs to be planned for and dealt with.

When you are planning your business and your schedule, budget extra time for everything. I don't care what you are trying to get done, be it great or small, everything will take longer than you think it should.

Pay yourself and value your time.

The pay yourself part is hopefully common sense. It is a key point to starting a business in the first place. I have heard from some entrepreneurs the idea that they can just live from the company bank account as needed. When business is good they will draw more cash and live well, in poor times they will draw less for themselves. I'm sure there are many small business people that live this way successfully, but I think it defeats an important part in business decision making; the value of your time.

My philosophy is to put myself on the payroll as the business manager and draw regular paychecks just like any other employee. This has advantages in budgeting, both business and personal, and it makes accounting and tax preparation a little easier. If you ever want more money when the business is doing well, there are ways to get it. Bonus checks or dividends are easy enough.

The real advantage to being on the payroll is that you will know very precisely the value of your time. There are a million things to do when you run a business. Everything from balancing the checkbook to sweeping the floor. If you are paying yourself $10 per hour you can put value on each of those tasks. You can ask yourself "is it really worth it for the business to pay $10 per hour to have the floor swept?" If there is another employee that makes less that $10 per hour it usually makes more financial sense if the lower wage employee did the sweeping while the higher wage employee handles more valuable jobs.

I have seen many business owners trying to save some payroll money by doing the menial chores themselves. Perhaps it saves money, but it also costs time that could be spent on something more profitable.

Another example of the value of your time is in chasing pennies. Comparison shopping can be a fools errand. Say you need something done, like servicing all the fire extinguishers in the warehouse. Start by checking the yellow pages for someone to do this. The first price quote is usually higher than you were hoping for. It is a small business after all and money is tight and if we can just knock a little off this price, things will be better. So you call another service and another and do an internet search and really research that whole fire extinguisher thing. When you finally settle on a contractor you can pat yourself on the back because you got the best deal you could get and saved thirty bucks off the first guys rate. Except for the fact that you blew all afternoon doing it. At your $10 per hour wage it ended up costing $40 of your time to save $30 on an invoice. There comes a point where you will need to quit chasing a good deal because it ends up costing too much. The only way to know where that point is and make a good business decision is to put a dollar value on your time.

Don't take shortcuts.

I remember back in school getting writing assignments. We were supposed to turn in an outline and then do it again and turn in a rough draft and then do it again and turn in the final copy. Talk about a sucky homework assignment, you have to write the same stupid thing three times. A friend of mine had the perfect system for doing these assignments. He would just write the paper. Then he would go through it and take out every third sentence to make the rough draft, and then he would edit that down to the first sentence of each paragraph and make the outline. Submit the parts at the appropriate deadline and you spend way less time doing the homework.

People that know about quality writing are probably squirming at that description. The reason the teacher was so emphatic about the long and ugly process is because those are the steps that are required to produce good writing. The point to the assignment was never the final document, but to learn the process for creating a high quality written work. My friend never understood why he got poor grades in english class and to this day his Emails are painfully difficult to read.

Business is the same way. Making the deposit to the bank is not the point. Closing the sale is not even the point. When you are in business you are going through a process. Planning, supplying, creating, fixing, polishing, selling, servicing, and finally putting the money in the bank. Each step is crucial to what you do before and after. Then you have to do it all again to keep the revenue up. How well you succeed has everything to do with the process and nothing to do with your prowess at making bank deposits.

Some might say that they are improving efficiency, but be very careful that what you are really doing is efficiency and not a shortcut. Efficiency improvements are a similar change to the process, but with a very different outcome. Some rules of thumb: Efficiency will cost you something; shortcuts won't. Shortcuts hurt the quality; efficiency won't.

You can always tell when a business takes shortcuts in their process. These are the businesses that the quality is just not there, or the service is wanting, or you walk away thinking "I can't believe I wasted time on that piece of crap."

This is your business for crying out loud. You should be proud of how well it runs. Your reputation depends on how well you do your job. There are people, customers, employees, suppliers, that are relying on you to do a good job. When you shortcut everyone can tell. Your employees don't want to work as hard, your suppliers stop caring and your customers stop buying. It hurts your business, your reputation and all the people around you when you shortcut the process.

Plan your work and work your plan.

When you first start your small business, you will need a business plan. The only ways you can get by without one is if you are filthy rich and can finance the whole enterprise out of your own pocket, or if the business is so small that you can finance the whole enterprise out of your own pocket. For everyone else you need either bankers or investors to supply the needed money. These bankers and investors won't give you a single damn dime until they see the (formal and written) plan for how you will earn the money to pay them back. In my opinion, if you can't spend four weeks making a business plan you do not have the patience or attention to detail needed to run a business for a year.

The business plan is just the start though. When you get into the nitty gritty details of running a business, having a plan is huge. Sometimes it is as simple as planning the route you will take for your daily errands. When you need to hit the bank, the hardware store, the Costco and the grocery, there is usually a route that is most efficient. It helps to have a plan for what you need at each stop too. The big picture needs a plan too. When you need to do hiring, advertising, procurement and maintenance there is usually an efficient order to do them in. Having a plan for how you will execute each of these items is also pretty key.

Working without a plan means you do things less efficiently and sometimes do things two or three times. This makes your work more expensive and that is death to a small business.

In high season for my business, I depend on a lot of people being in the right place at the right time. That calls for planning. Dinner goes into the oven at a certain time, so supplies have to get delivered at a certain time. For that to happen supplies have to be acquired at a certain time. To make that happen they have to be ordered at a certain time and knowing what to order involves an inventory at a specific time. All these little micro deadlines need to be planned in advance or everything goes to shit in a big hurry. Dinner becomes a fiasco without a detailed plan. Because I spend so much time planning I spend less time dealing with crisis. And because I follow the plan religiously everyone else's job becomes predictable, routine, and dare I say, easy.

Some of these plans get written in big formal looking documents with cover pages and appendixes. Other plans get written on posty notes. Some plans are verbal agreements between people. I have never seen time spent on planning wasted. When you try to do something without a plan, that is when time gets spent fruitlessly.

You are not really the boss around here.

A successful business is all about people. There is the business owner. Sometimes multiple owners. There is staff, could be large or small. Then there are the suppliers. The goods you sell come from someone else. Even if you sell a service you will still need supplies, so the people that supply you count. And then there are other support people around the edges; the landlord, the accountant, the lawyer, the banker. And let's not forget the government. The taxman, the police man, the city council and the governor all have an interest and a say in your business. Last, but not least, let us also count the customer. Every business involves a lot of people.

The smallest business I can imagine effects the lives of only three people (not counting the taxman). A business owner who is also the sole employee and accountant working out of his own home and keeping his money under a mattress. He will need one supplier and one customer to be in business. While I can imagine a business of this small size and structure I cannot imagine what the business does and I would be surprised if the business owner can even earn a living.

A more typical small business will touch the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of people. My own small business has multiple owners, multiple managers, dozens of employees, dozens of suppliers, a reasonable cadre of support from accountants, lawyers, bankers and so forth, and a good deal of oversight from regulatory agencies. When I make a business decision it can touch the lives of easily a hundred people. This does not even take into account the thousands of customers I serve. There are lots of small businesses that touch more people than mine.

There is a romantic notion that the boss is lord of his business realm. That his needs and decisions are the only ones that matter and he can use his capital and decision making power to lord over employees and all that interact with him. Rubbish. Anyone that runs a business this way, especially a small business, is in for troubled times.

The people of a business bring with them a complicated web of cause and effect. For example, if the boss decides to change the budget by cutting wages, then the help becomes disillusioned. Since the boss is not looking out for them they either quit or productivity goes down or quality goes down. This ripples through the company and everyone from the secretary to the customer has to deal with a change in how things are done. So in making decisions, the boss needs to watch out for the interests of the workers if things are to run smoothly. And also watch out for the suppliers interests and the accountants and the city council and so on. Every one of those hundreds of people has the power to make the business owners life more difficult and the power to hurt the company.

When running my business I very rarely feel like the lord of my domain. Sometimes I don't feel like the boss of anything. It is more like everyone else is the boss of me. When I make a decision it is rarely about what I want; it is usually about what is best for the people around me. Strangely enough, that is as it should be for the business to succeed. Business is about people after all. My life does not get easier until I put effort into making life easier for the people around me. I don't succeed until the people I rely on succeed.

Fire and beer

2008-04-29T08:15:00.002-06:00

Woman:: Hey guys, that fire is about to jump the road.
Guy:: Need help?
Woman:: Yeah. Z_ called the fire department, but we need to make sure it don't jump the road.
Guy:: Hey Jones, how's your fire fighting skills?
Me:: Never done it, but I'll come along.

When I got out of the truck I took the time to look around carefully, noting where people were and where there was smoke and flame and survey the terrain. A safety check. My friends went to consult someone they knew raking at the burning grass near the road. The consensus was that the fire would only cross the road if the wind picked up and at the moment no ones house was in danger. More importantly, did anyone bring beer? There is only the one here and it's warm.

Another pickup truck arrived with an assortment of shovels and rakes in the back. The tools were handed out but no one moved to the fire. "Good thing you brought these" someone quipped, "we didn't have anything to lean on. Did you bring any beer?"

Another pickup truck arrived. The driver leaned out the window and joked "Typical goddamn Montana fire crew. Standing in the road and bullshitting. I'm surprised you aren't drinking beer."

The next half hour went much like that. People arriving, leaning on shovels, chatting up their neighbors, occasionally glancing at the fire and complaining about the lack of beer. When the fire truck arrived and men with yellow shirts and hard hats started surveying the scene it was apparent that they had not brought beer either. The tools were returned to the pickup trucks and the gathering broke up.

She:: How long have you been in Montana?
Me:: About three years.
She:: Does it surprise you how obsessed with beer everyone is?
Me:: No. I'm not surprised. I picked up on the beer culture real quick after moving here.

Ephemera

2008-03-30T20:44:00.001-06:00

If the country is in such a horrible credit crisis, why am I still getting all these annoying credit card offers in the mail?

Vice President

2008-03-13T12:19:00.002-06:00

She:: Wait, I don't get it. Don't you have to be a shareholder to be a director?
Lawyer:: No. You have to be a shareholder to vote for the directors, but a director does not have to be a shareholder.
She:: So we can put Jones on the board of directors?
Lawyer:: Yes. In fact you have to do either that, or elect someone else, or amend the corporate bylaws so that there are only two directors. You will have to do one of those at this meeting.
Me:: Just one question? What does a director do? What are the responsibilities?
He:: Not much. The directors just tell others what to do.
Lawyer:: The board of directors will set the direction for the company. They will approve requisitions and purchases and so forth. Legally they will have the right to speak for the company, like in securing a bank loan or some such thing, a director can sign those documents.
He:: Mostly they just appoint officers and employees to do the actual work.
Me:: So the board of directors basically sits around and thinks big thoughts, then tells everyone else what to do.
He:: You got it.
Lawyer:: The directors will also vote for officers, which your company needs three; a president, a vice president and a secretary/treasurer.
He:: Sounds like a summer club house where the kids get together and say "Hey I'm gonna be president and you be vice president and we aren't gonna let girls join."
Lawyer:: Yeah, it's a lot like that only with more money involved. So how do you want to arrange officers?
She:: Well, I'm happy with how you have handled the secretary/treasurer bit, why don't you just keep that up.
He:: Okay.
Lawyer:: So who gets president and vice president?
Me:: You have seniority, you be president.
She:: Okay.
Me:: Wait. What does the president and vice president do?
Lawyer:: Mainly the president will run the meetings and the vice president will take over in the presidents' absence. The officers also have some powers, you will have the ability to call a meeting of the directors.
Me:: So I can call you guys together if I ever want to show off how many Jell-O shots I can do?
Lawyer:: Yep.
Me:: Sweet! I'm in.
Lawyer:: Congratulations on your appointment Mr. Vice President.
Me:: Thanks. Do I get a special hat or a cookie or something?

Hiring

2008-03-12T08:41:00.001-06:00

He:: So are you one of those that hire all the Russian kids?
Me:: No that's the ski resort. It's less paperwork to hire domestically so I prefer that, but I will hire foreigners if I have to.
He:: Why do they have to do that?
Me:: Because Americans are not taking the jobs. I have been recruiting up a storm for the past couple months and I don't have enough applications right now.

Presidents Day

2008-02-18T09:05:00.001-07:00

Dear George,

Happy Presidents Day! Well here we are at your last ever Presidents Day. Next year you will have to give the holiday to the next guy (or gal). Don't feel too bad about that, giving up your own holiday is not so bad. After you retire every day will be a holiday. Just think of all the time that you are going to spend on the golf course next year. I know that golf is not nearly as exciting as landing fighter jets on aircraft carriers and telling the generals how to fight wars and spending time in the dungeons torturing people, but you can't be president forever. At least now the secret service might let you go hunting with Dick Cheney again.

You have left the next president with some pretty big shoes to fill when it comes to this holiday. I think that most presidents would have been cool with a backyard barbecue, possibly a ski trip. But not you; your Presidents Day celebrations had some serious festivities going on. Like games of hide and seek with weapons of freakin' mass destruction. Woot! No small stakes party games for you. There is no way a democratic panzy president can top that. What are they going to play? Find the tree hugger in the forest? They probably won't even let you use clearcutting.

I know you don't like to make your Presidents Day celebrations all that big of a deal. I'm guessing that is why you give so many people the day off along with you. That way everyone is busy enjoying their own ski trip or barbecue and don't pay so much attention to what you are up to. Good thing too, all those poor people and newspaper reporters raised an awful stink when no one found those WMD's. Sheesh. Just because they didn't find the big prize is no reason to get their panties in a twist.

So what are you planning for this year? For your last Presidents Day holiday are you going to have a big blow out with games of pin the terrorist to the waterboard and playing nuclear chicken with Iran? Or do you have in mind a quieter celebration with a few of your close oil buddies swimming in a big pool of money?

Whichever it is, I'm gonna miss your larger than life style. You have inspired me to live as if there will be no consequences. Enjoy your holiday.

Montana Jones

Things I have learned volunteering at the food bank

2008-02-16T09:40:00.001-07:00

You can usually get a little more if you just ask.
You can also get toothpaste, soap, diapers, deodorant, tampons and other stuff. But you have to ask.
Muffins tend to be more popular than doughnuts.
It feels good to give someone something extra that they did not ask for.
It is easier to give and to receive when you smile, are courteous, friendly and say thank you.
Most of the volunteers are retirees that need something to do, teenagers, or people that have used the food bank and want to give back.
In general, rich people tend to donate money, poor people give time and money, and middle class people donate food.
Some people have no qualms about donating food that they would not eat themselves.
I was surprised at how much meat is given out and how little rice and potatoes.
There is little to no effort put into choosing healthy foods. At the food bank edible is more important than healthy.
It is frightening how many people don't understand that dented canned goods can be dangerous.
It would be political suicide for the health department to audit the food bank. They don't go near the place.
The food bank is very clean anyway. Volunteers are constantly cleaning, raw foods are handled with gloves and there is easy access to hand sanitizer everywhere.
People with new and expensive clothing do use the food bank, but I have never seen the same person twice. People with worn and cheap clothing are the repeat customers.
Creating more rules and regulations with the intent to deter people abusing the system will stop some of the abuse. It will also stop some of the people that need help.
People that think the world owes them something are more likely to need a handout.
Some of the people that think the world owes them something don't need the handout, but they take it anyway.

Google mojo

2008-02-14T10:59:00.001-07:00

Does anyone know how to do a Google search (or any other search engine for that matter) that will return a list of colleges and universities that begin fall classes in September?

I have pulled out every bit of Google mojo I know and I can't find what I am looking for.

I even tried using a SQL statement.

Your search - SELECT "Acedemic Calendar" FROM "United states colleges and Universities" WHERE "Fall Classes Begin" > "September 12, 2008" - did not match any documents.

It's the economy...

2008-02-13T09:07:00.002-07:00

He:: you know the big media outlets. ABC, NBC, FOX, CBS, and so on. You know those guys.
Me:: Yeah.
He:: Well, they have successfully predicted 40 of the last two recessions.

He:: The mortgage crisis is not dying off, it is only going to get worse. You know all those international investors that bought the subprime mortgages, well, they are going to start suing. They were sold unsecured loans as though they were secure loans. They are going to sue the middle men banks to get their money back. These banks are going to get screwed from defaulted home loans on one side and get screwed by lawsuits from international investors on the other. There are some banks that will not exist anymore in a year.

He:: Keep an eye on the real estate markets this year. Around June things will start shaking out and it might be a good time to buy that house you want.
Me:: I have been watching. I was doing a search last night in fact. I am starting to see the cracks in the ice. Six months ago I was seeing the $600,000 houses drop price to $500,000.
He:: Big woopty.
Me:: Yeah, not very useful. But just now in the past couple weeks I have started seeing the $250,000 house drop to $200,000. There are even a handful for less than $200,000 come onto the market. We might just see the starter houses become affordable again this year.
He:: That is what we need. Get those $250,000 houses back down to $175,000 and people might be able to afford to live here again.

He:: I can't believe how short peoples memories are. I still remember what happened right after Vietnam. The economy was in the shitter. LBJ spent all our money in Vietnam and there was nothing left for ourselves. The same thing is happening in Iraq.
Me:: Only more so.
He:: Yeah, more so. George is throwing money away in spades. Do you remember what happened back in the 70s? Back in 1978 and 1979?
Me:: Not much economically. The word stagflation comes to mind.
He:: In 1979 the interest rate was 16%. No one could borrow any money without these incredible fees on it. The government had to do it, they had to charge these huge interest rates to try to make back some of the money that was thrown away in Vietnam.

He:: I'm starting to change my mind about switching banks?
Me:: Oh?
He:: The big question right now is which banks are going to still be here in a year. Ever wonder how Glacier Bank got so big so fast? I bet they were dealing in those shady loans. If so, they are going to take it hard too. So I want to wait and figure out who is going to buy out whom and which banks will be left standing in a year.

Complacent

2008-02-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

I have been three years in Montana. Three years in this apartment. The clutter stands as testament. That pile of consumed magazines has changed from a good intention to recycle to the spot that I toss the next magazine; and in my minds eye it is invisible. Along with the dusty crud on the floor by the fridge and the piles of office work and the piles of printer cartridges. It's like my home has become stale. Even the view out my window feels tired.

Part of it is the winter doldrums. That malaise that comes across me this time of year when it is dark and cold all the time and nothing sounds good. Another part of it is complacency. Three years in the same home is 1095 days and counting. When I moved in I had big plans, buying furniture, self improvement, lofty goals. Eleven hundred days later and I still don't have a couch or a bookshelf.

Complacency is not mustering the enthusiasm to recognize what I learned today. Complacency is not bothering to try a new recipe for dinner. Complacency is keeping all my books in boxes. Complacency is forgetting to notice when the world around me changes. Complacency is when I forget to enjoy my good deeds and just do them out of habit. Complacency is the dead bugs on the windowsill that I will deal with when spring comes or when I get that new vacuum cleaner or when I realize that they have been there for a fucking year and a half. Complacency is going through the same motions as last year.

Life is not bad. Things are going well in fact. I have just become complacent.

Learning the winter

2008-01-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

I can hike up a storm in the warm months, the mountains and I are pretty tight. But I have never learned how to be in the wild during the winter. I broke the ice, so to speak, with new snowshoes last winter. This season I am putting them to more use. I am feeling something new on the trails, like I am out of place. Like I am vulnerable. Not a feeling I get on the hot days of summer. Not a feeling I enjoy.

I know how to cope with the trail in the summer. How much water to carry. What clothing works for both the heat of the day and layers well for cool evenings. How much food for how many miles of trail. What gear to carry just in case. I am at home and comfortable with the wilderness. In the winter I suddenly find myself a stranger again as ice crusts the streams and snow goblins climb the trees.

My biggest problem so far is with clothing. Learning what works and what doesn't. I understand layers and use them, but the wrong layers cause problems. If I trap too much heat I sweat and ultimately get wet and chills. If I don't trap enough heat I find myself in a race to keep moving and keep my body temp up. The middle ground is elusive.

The right gear to carry is different too. I learned the other week that my snowshoes can throw snow up the back of my legs and get my pants wet. Wet is bad and results in chills. Note to self: get some waterproof snow pants.

I am leery of the unforeseen too. When it is warm I am confident I could spend an unplanned night in the wild if an injury or other circumstance forced me to. In the cold I don't have the same confidence. I am reluctant to explore too far from the trailhead and safety.

So many things are different about this time of year. I feel like a novice again. Snow and ice are harder to walk on than dry ground. The trail is harder to identify. It even feels different to be thirsty. Add to that everything I don't know about avalanches and when ice is safe and my own limits and tolerance for hypothermia. I don't like feeling like a novice. Some days staying in like a hermit sounds better than feeling like this.

There are some wonderful things about the snow and cold. The still silence that makes breath and heartbeat ear shatteringly loud. How easy it becomes to see animal tracks. The way snow and frost paint old familiar landscapes into new, wonderful pieces of art. I think I have to keep going. To keep learning. To keep adding gear. What choice do I have really? Last winter I learned that being a hermit sucks.

How to make mustard

2008-01-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

This season I made little pots of homemade mustard as Christmas gifts for all my friends and family. It went over really well like homemade gifts usually do. I was surprised to learn how easy mustard is to make.

The recipe is super simple.

Grind mustard seed into a powder.
Mix with a liquid.

Okay, I admit, any ol' craptacular mustard follows that recipe. The good mustards will involve a little more nuance than that.

Start with the mustard seeds. I found mine at the local health food store. They come in two basic varieties, yellow seeds and brown seeds. The yellow ones have a milder flavor and the brown ones have some spicy kick to them. I found blending the two types of seeds creates some interesting flavors depending on what sort of mustard you are trying to make.

Next there is the grinding part. I tried using a mortar and pestle and found it to be a pain in the butt. An electric spice grinder is much more efficient. The mortar and pestle does have the advantage of making a better coarse grind, that can add some interesting texture into your mustard. You can also buy the stuff pre-ground as mustard flour or mustard powder. It is usually the yellow seed sold this way and the grind is much finer than anything I achieved with my little spice grinder. Helpful hint: Clean your spice grinder by blowing it out with a can of compressed air. The kind of stuff geeks use to clean dust off electronics. This is a bazillioin times easier than soap and water.

Now comes the liquid part, there is a lot of room for creativity here. The most common liquids used in mustard are water and vinegar. If you need a quick sauce for cooking up mustard glazed pork chops, just mix mustard powder with white vinegar in about a 1:1 ratio and you are all set. But if you are looking for a nicer sandwich garnish you should take a little more care. I spent a lot of time experimenting with the different types of vinegar available. White vinegar, white wine vinegar, red wine vinegar, apple cider vinegar, balsamic vinegar. Lot's of choices and each one gives a different flavor.

There are more liquids to choose from too. Use wine to make Dijon mustard, beer makes a hearty sauce, honey makes a popular sweet mustard. I even experimented with fruit juices and came up with a great apple mustard using concentrated apple juice. The possibilities are endless.

There is also some nuance to the application of your liquid. The flavor of the mustard is brought out when the liquid activates the enzymes in the mustard seed. Those enzymes are going to react in some unpredictable ways if your liquid is too acidic. Vinegar is usually about 5% acidic. What this means is that you could mix the same amount of mustard with the same amount of vinegar two different times and get two different flavors depending on how those enzymes and that acid react to each other. To get consistent flavor you should activate your mustard with a PH neutral liquid like water. I mix my mustard powder with water at about two parts powder to one part water and make a thick paste. Let this stand for about 10 minutes. After this add whatever vinegar or liquid you want for flavor until it is the desired consistency. This way your recipe will taste the same each time you make it.

Now for some more fun and creativity. Mustard powder does not have to be the only dry ingredient. Add some spices to that bad daddy. A dash of salt helps the flavor. Some garlic powder can zest it up a little. Pepper, ginger, allspice, nutmeg, basil, rosemary, cinnamon. Woo hoo, your spice rack is the gateway to some interesting and unique mustards.

The king of all mustard spices has got to be turmeric. This is the ingredient that gives the store bought hot dog mustard its bright yellow color and unique flavor. I have shared my mustards with some people that don't like mustard and I have discovered that what they usually don't like is the flavor of the turmeric. Without it the mustard is a brown color instead of yellow and the flavor is remarkably different. The mustard haters I know consistently turned up their noses at the bright yellow mustards with turmeric and raved about the brown mustards without. If there is a mustard hater in your family try turning them on to a brown mustard and see if they like it.

So if you have been playing along at home and have mixed some mustard powder with some liquid and created a sauce, the next step is to taste it. If you have done that already, please don't hate me. Pretty nasty stuff huh? Your fresh made batch of mustard is going to taste very strong and a little nasty. Don't panic. Remember those enzymes you activated? Well now they have to age. Leave your mustard sitting on the counter at room temperature for at least a week to ten days. The strong flavor will mellow and it will mature into a nice and yummy sauce. Have some faith. The longer you let it age the more the flavor will mellow. Taste it every few days to follow its progress. If you are after a mild mustard you may want to let it age for a month or more; for a hot and spicy mustard, not so much. As soon as it mellows to a flavor and spiciness you like, move it to the fridge.

Refrigeration is not necessary for most mustard. Mustard seed is naturally resistant to molds and the acidity in the vinegar helps too. But if it continues to sit at room temperature it will continue to age and mellow. To keep a mustard spicy, put it in the fridge. Many commercial mustards and some more interesting mustard recipes have ingredients like egg whites. You will want to put these in the fridge. My apple mustard kept better under refrigeration. Pay attention to the ingredients you are using, if you added fresh garlic or jalapenos or fresh spices you will probably want to move the mustard to refrigeration sooner rather than later.

One last word about utensils and containers. Avoid metal. Mustard is pretty corrosive and if you put it in a jar with a metal lid or use metal spoons or utensils when you make it, the metal can corrode and harm the flavor of the sauce. Glass, plastic and porcelain are safe bets.

And that's it. That is everything I know about mustard. I had the most fun experimenting with different ingredients. I found that it is easy to experiment with small batches, about two tablespoons of mustard powder and the same for your liquid to see if you like the recipe. If it's good, multiply the portions for your next batch, if it sucks you can flush it down the drain for no big loss.

Enjoy your mustard. I like mine with pretzels. I know that I will never blow $3.95 for a small pot of deli mustard ever again.

Montana Jones' yumtastic hot dog mustard
2 Tbsp Ground yellow mustard seed
1 tsp Ground brown mustard seed
Add 1 1/2 Tbsp water, blend to a thick paste and let sit for 10 minutes.
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp turmeric
2 Tbsp white wine vinegar

For thinner mustard add a couple drops more vinegar, let age for a week or so.

Kokanee™ Beer Mustard
1 Tbsp yellow mustard seed
1 Tbsp brown mustard seed
Briefly grind to a very coarse grind.
Drown the coarse ground mustard seed with an excess of apple cider vinegar. Let sit overnight until the seed has absorbed all the liquid it possibly can then drain any extra liquid. You will be left with a thick goop.

In a new container:
1 1/2 Tbsp fine ground yellow mustard seed
add 1 Tbsp water, blend to a thick paste and let sit for 10 minutes.
Add 1 Tbsp of the apple cider mustard goop.
Dash of salt.
1 Tbsp Kokanee™ beer.

Age for at least a week.

Sweet and Spicy Apple Mustard
2 Tbsp ground brown mustard seed
2 Tbsp ground yellow mustard seed
Dash of cinnamon
1/2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 1/2 Tbsp concentrated apple juice

Thin to the desired consistency with more concentrated apple juice. Age for two or three weeks and then refrigerate.

Hey,

2008-01-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

I can't help but notice that the Christmas holiday is now behind us. So is New Years, and the winter solstice. Lot's of festiveness and cheer and joy to the world and all that crap. Stressful and busy time those holidays. Did you get enough to eat? Gorged yourself on cookies you say? That's wonderful.

Now get your cookie stuffed butt in gear buddy. The Montana Food Bank still needs you. There are still hungry people in your hometown. You Montana Bloggers have come up with only half of last year's donation and the clock is ticking. Do you think the food bank runs on good intentions? Click this link and do your part to help out.

2007 was a good year

2008-01-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

She:: I don't think I am going to do that on New Years anymore. The couple years I have done it have been fun and all, but the people are such grouches. I am so tired of hanging out with angry or uptight people. How can they live like that? How can they be so negative all the time? It's depressing.
Me:: I think they don't realize what they are doing or the effect they are having on others.
She:: Well, your phone message was the most cheerful part of New Years for me. I like calling you, you are always so upbeat and positive.

I have been hearing a lot of anecdotal stories from friends and blogs and news pundits about what a crappy year 2007 was. I believe it too. Every single thing that the mob mentions as a point of pain really truly is a sucky thing.

Well enough. I have had some sucky points in my year too. In 2007 I encountered a couple shit storms that will take a while before the stains get scrubbed out.

I stand by my headline. 2007 was a good year. I had a good year because I wanted to have a good year. I made it a point to smile a lot and find fun in small moments. I went about my work and my life with a sense of joy and cheer. I reveled in the richness of challenge and adversity. It worked. I had a good year because I wanted to have a good year.

Now that I know the trick, I am going to have a good year in 2008 too.

Moms computer

2008-01-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

Mom:: These things just pop up on my screen and I don't know what they are or what to do about them. Computers confuse me.
Me:: Yeah, most of this crap you have been seeing is some of your software asking permission to check for or download upgrades off the net.
Mom:: So what do I do? I don't want things downloading and changing on me. I am confused enough without my programs changing themselves.
Me:: My rule of thumb is that if you system is working and doing what you want it to do, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. When a program pops up and asks to download something, just say no. Refusing to let your programs talk to the mothership will not hurt anything.
Mom:: Good. That's what I will do then.
Me:: But the rule of thumb has exceptions. Mainly operating system upgrades and other security stuff like your anti virus.
Mom:: Well, now I'm confused again. How do I know which of these to say yes to?
Me:: Well, I have your critical upgrades set to happen automatically in the background, so you shouldn't ever see them. You are safe saying no to everything that pops up and wants your attention.
Mom:: I really hate this Vista. I was just getting comfortable with my old computer when Dad replaced it with this one, and this one makes everything so hard. I just don't understand it.
Me:: I know. It is really a bad time to buy a computer right now. Microsoft won't let retailers sell anything except Vista, you can't get the older, better systems anymore. If we had known that the new computer was going to be this big of a turd we would have gotten you a Macintosh.

You meet the nicest people while flying

2008-01-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

She:: How was the flight?
Me:: It was excellent. The lady that sat next to me; we didn't speak a single word the entire flight.
She:: Well, that's good I suppose.
Me:: Yeah, I wasn't interested in the small talk and pretending to care about whatever she had going on with her life and I got the impression that she felt the same. So we made it through a two hour flight without speaking a single word to each other.

An engagement

2008-01-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

Friend:: I don't know, I don't think I will ever get married. How about this? If we are both still single in twenty years, lets just you and I hang out together.
Me:: That's a deal. Let's see, twenty years, we will be about sixty. I'll look you up when I hit sixty and take you up on it.
Other friend:: I think I need to rush home and tell my wife that I just witnessed your engagement.
Me:: Ummmm,
Friend:: Uh, no. I just said hang out. No marriage, we are just going to hang out together.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

Best photo of 2007

2007-12-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

In 2007 I took only 872 photos. In looking through them I managed to find a good one. Here is my best photo of the year.

Oh Baby! My ass is going to be on fire tonight!

2007-12-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

She:: This is really a workout. I can feel it my calves and hamstrings.
Me:: Yeah, you are setting a strong pace.
She:: Oh Baby! My ass is going to be on fire tonight!
Me:: LOL!
She:: I mean, uh, I didn't mean it quite like that.
Me:: Ha!

Leaky head gaskets

2007-12-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

He:: So you are going to _ for the holiday?
Me:: Maybe, I might be changing my plans.
He:: Oh?
Me:: I have leaky head gaskets.
He:: That's not so good. I've never heard of a Subaru having that problem.
Me:: Well, according to my guy at the shop, it's actually a pretty common problem for this car.
He:: Really?
Me:: It's even covered under factory warranty up to 100 thousand miles.
He:: That's good.
Me:: Not really, I'm at 112.
He:: That's not good.
Me:: I'm told that it will probably be a $3,000 repair.
He:: Ouch.
Me:: The dealership quoted me a 1500 estimate. I think I have more homework to do.
He:: Well, that's better.
Me:: Yeah, makes it sound downright decent by comparison.

The Tao of Jones

2007-12-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

She:: I've never asked, what is your faith?
Me:: I'm pretty much a Jonesist.
She:: What is that?
Me:: Well, it's about 50% agnostic, about 25% atheist, perhaps a little more. It's got about 15% Judeo Christian from the culture I've been brought up in. About 5% Buddhist, another 5% of Islam and the rest is a mix of Pagan and Bahai and Wiccan and whatever other religions I have been exposed to through the years.
She:: For a minute there I thought Jonesist meant you thought of yourself as a deity.
Me:: Not so much. While I have created many things in my life I have never created a universe. Most recently I made a batch of mustard.
She:: They say that the kingdom of heaven can exist in a mustard seed.
Me:: Hmmm. Well perhaps I am a deity then. A god to whatever universe exists in that pot of mustard.

Stupid animal

2007-11-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

The deer charged out onto the road at a full sprint and I could tell he was changing his mind before he even reached the double yellow line. We weren't going all that fast, taking a curve at 45 or 50 miles per hour. The brake lights on the big sport utility in front of me flashed and the vehicle narrowly missed colliding with the creature. The animal tried to stop and change direction in the middle of the road but it's own momentum was against it. Somehow it missed the oncoming truck, but was not so lucky with the trailer the truck was hauling. The leading corner of the trailer gouged into the animals' side and threw it down on the road. The deer's head struck first, right on the double yellow line. It had a beautiful rack of antlers that shattered against the asphalt and chips of antler flew in all directions. The collision with the ground was brutal and I'm sure the animal was killed in that instant. The carcass rebounded across the road like a pinball, spinning across the ground and spilling blood, guts and antlers on the road. It just missed colliding with the back end of the sport utility in front of me and skidded into my path. I swerved and slowed as best I could in the narrow road but I did not miss it entirely. I could feel my wheels rumble over the deer legs sticking into my lane.

This has always been my greatest fear while driving the roads of Montana. I am more afraid of animals than I am of drunk drivers, bad weather or icy roads. I am becoming a fan of hunting season because it means fewer deer on our roads. I am curious to take up hunting so I can get the satisfaction of blowing away some of these stupid vermin animals before they step in front of my car. Since moving to Montana I have started thinking of deer as giant fucking rats with long legs, hooves and antlers. This particular deer would have had a better end to its life if a hunter had claimed it instead of the road.

There are no vegetarians at the food bank

2007-11-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

I have been going to the food bank for four or five weeks now. Not because I need food, I am giving them some time. A couple hours a week I do volunteer work there. I do what they call "boxing", taking a shopping list from a person or family in need, prowling around the pantry shelves and putting food into a box for them.

Several things have happened before I ever interact with these people. First and probably most critically they have admitted to themselves or their families that they need help, then they swallowed their pride and went to the food bank to ask for it. There are people that find pride much too bitter of a meal to swallow and they go hungry instead. Those that make it to the food bank get a short interview and then fill out a list of what they need. The list is just a little form where they say how many are in their family and then they circle things on a list like mac & cheese, fruit, veggies, ramen noodles, soup and so on. I take that list and pick things off the shelf for them.

The form they fill out has a spot to indicate dietary restrictions, diabetic needs or vegetarians. I think it is a little odd that vegetarian is even on there. The pantry does have a little corner in the back where we stash some sugar free stuff for the diabetics, but there are no vegetarians at the food bank.

The food bank has no well dressed people. There are no nice cars parked out front. No SUV's in the parking lot. The waiting room is not decorated with tasteful furniture and framed artwork. No one has an iPod. No one gossips about their new plasma teeve. No one has new clothes. There are no activists reminding us to buy locally and eat organic. No one is picky about their coffee. No one ever says "life is too short to drink cheap beer." Pride is in short supply at the food bank. So is confidence. Hope is still there, but for some the food bank is their last.

The idea behind helping families at the food bank is to provide enough food to get through about two or three days; long enough to get to the next paycheck or cut enough slack so they can pay the rent. I follow a list while boxing that tells me how much food to give to various size families. An individual will get one can of soup and one package of ramen and so on. A family of four will get two or three servings of everything and larger quantities. When we have fresh milk, it is usually reserved for families with children.

The stuff on the pantry shelves is a pretty eclectic assortment. The food drives bring in a big variety of stuff for us to give out. Everything from cheap assed cans of generic chili to super expensive gourmet cheeses. It is not unusual to find fresh fruit and veggies there. There are people with apple trees and cherry trees in their yards that will give most of their little harvest to the food bank. Supermarkets will give up bags of salad and produce that is reaching its expiration date. We have instructions to give out the perishable stuff before we give out the canned goods. Sometimes this selection gets a little weird. Big bags of green onions, fresh basil and artichokes.

I take someone's shopping list, follow the rules for how much to give them, prioritize the perishables and make up a box of food. It makes me feel a little sad when I look at this box and realize it has Gouda cheese, artichokes, lima beans, a package of hot dogs, and fruit cocktail. This is supposed to make meals for someone for three days? I am reasonably educated, I have good cooking skills, I have a well equipped kitchen and I have access to recipe searches on the internet. And I would be hard pressed to make a decent meal out of these things. Some of the people getting these boxes don't have cooking skills, or recipes or enough education to gain them. Some of these people only have one pot on a hot plate to cook with. I wonder how many of those artichokes I give out end up in the trash. Or if someone is just desperate enough to eat them raw. How many people eat lima beans right out of the can? Whenever I can I try to fill the box with things that can make a meal. Matching tomato sauce with the spaghetti or slipping someone some taco shells when we have ground beef. Sometimes you can't though. Sometimes all there is to give is lima beans and Gouda cheese.

The food drives help, but they never bring in enough food. The food bank buys most of the food they give out. Manufacturers and wholesalers sell things like mac & cheese or ramen noodles or peanut butter to them in bulk and at a discount. These are staples at the food bank. There is never enough money to buy all the food they need. My pantry shelves are always missing something. Mac & Cheese ran out last week. The week before we had no canned tomatoes. There is always something on someone's list that we can't put in the box.

This brings me to a point, of course. Matt at Left in the West and Craig at MT Politics have initiated the second annual Montana Blogger charity drive for the Montana Food Bank Network. The donation page is here.

Last year Montana Bloggers came up with $1,600 dollars to donate to this group. $1,600 can buy a lot of ramen noodles. The goal this year is to match that, but I think we could do better this year. The Montana blogosphere is a year older, a little wiser, a little bigger. A lot of us got the ball rolling by pitching in a few dollars a year ago; I bet we can do a better job of promoting or shaming more people into making donations this year.

In the past month I watched a young ladies eyes twinkle as I slipped a cake mix into her box. A heavyset man in a sharp clean windbreaker could only look at the floor when he came up for his box. A strong but scruffy man looked me in the eye and said "Thank you, God bless you" as he took his box. We cooed over an adorable baby named Angel while her mother came into the back to pick some formula off the baby food shelf. I presented two heavy boxes to the mother of six children and watched as half the waiting room jumped to their feet to help her carry them out to her car. I filled an order that someone made out for her neighbor. A single father raising four children and not ready to admit that he was having trouble making it to the end of the month. An old lady and her friend came in and got a small box that I learned was to be her 90th birthday dinner.

Everyone at the food bank looks a little different walking out than they did when they walked in. On the way out they carry themselves a little straighter, a little more confident, a little more hope. They step out with dignity because they have a way to feed their children and a way to make it through another day or two in a hard life. Every time I have been to the food bank I hear something I never hear at the fast food drive through. Every single person that has taken my boxes said "thank you" with complete and deep sincerity.

Misty

2007-11-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

You know, I came out there to your place thirty years ago. I was there for a couple days as a boy scout. It made such an impression on me that I have never forgotten it. I remember the waterfalls right there that you could see and the cave in the cliff face. It was so amazing. Well here I am 30 years later and I want to come back. I want to bring my children out there; they are the same age I was. They are not really into the outdoors, but I hope to impress it on them a little. They are more urban than what you offer, they don't know the outdoors, but I need to show it to them. Besides, I need to come back. It's been 30 years and I want to see it again. It made such an impression on me.

I reminisced with him for a few minutes about the scenery and local landmarks and agreed about introducing the next generation to the great outdoors. I thanked him for his business and clicked the phone off. I put the phone on hold so I could take a moment to finish the paperwork and then left the phone off so I could sit there for a few moments longer. I thought about the waterfalls and the view to the west and I thought about what it is that makes people long for a place thirty years after having seen it for only a day. I'm not saying I cried, but maybe I did get a little misty. In front of me the counter on my inbox ticked up over 280 and the phone blinked at me to remind me of the world yelling for me. People with questions and complaints and needs that could only be met if I give them my attention now, now, now. The phone stayed off for a few more minutes so I could daydream about hiking with a family into the wilderness to see someplace different and beautiful. Perhaps whoever replaces me thirty years from now will get a call and hear a story from them. It's these little moments I live for in this job. It reminds me that the work I do is not just answering the phone and dealing with daily crap. The work I do creates memories that last thirty years and influence children that have not been born yet. I love this job. I'm not saying that I cried, but maybe I did get a little misty.

Finding yourself

2007-11-03T09:51:00.000-06:00

She:: I just want to get away from all this. All these things I have here in my home. I want to go somewhere else to find myself. I think this place and all these things have sort of gotten in the way of the real me. I want to find out what kind of person I really am.
Me:: That's cool. Nothing wrong with that. But I already know what you will find.
She:: Really?
Me:: Well, not exactly. But I have a good idea. And the interesting thing is that you already know too. You just don't know that you know.
She:: So what am I going to find when I go to find myself?
Me:: All the things you bring with you.
She:: Huh?
Me:: Okay, this is what happened to me when I moved to Montana. I figured that going to the far side of the horizon would be a good way to re-create the true me. I could get away from some bad influences and make some good habits and things like that. And that worked, sort of. But when you go somewhere you take a lot of yourself with you. All your likes and dislikes, skills and wisdom and dreams and aspirations and so on. They stick with you. You can leave some things behind, but in the end you are going to find much of the same person in the new place as you were in the old place. And these things in you that survive the move, well, that is who you really are. You will recognize these things after you move because they have been a part of you all along.

Nice Pumpkins

2007-10-30T19:57:00.000-06:00

Me:: Nice pumpkins.
She:: Thanks. Want to hold them?

How to replace the wax ring on a toilet

2007-10-19T09:14:00.000-06:00

Problem: Your toilet is leaking down at the base on the floor.

Solution: Replace the wax ring gasket.

Tools you will definitely need:

Adjustable crescent wrench
Replacement wax ring (get it for about three bucks at the hardware store)

Optional tools that might help you out:

Flathead screwdriver
Vice grip pliers
Rags
Bucket
Mop
Flashlight
Rubber gloves
Bathroom cleaning agents
Bleach
Trash bags
More rags and sponges
More rubber gloves
Google
Credit Card
Beer

The first thing you may want to do is gather some information on the internet. A web search for 'fix a leaky toilet' will turn up over 40,000 results. From here you can read many fine websites describing all the different ways a toilet can leak. With diligence you can work out that the specific leak you are looking for is the wax ring. A Google search for "fix a leaky toilet wax ring" narrows your search to 3,660 results. Start reading.

Most of these how to fix stuff websites are absolute crap. Your best instructions will come from websites catering to women. The masculine fixit websites will just say "replace the wax ring" and expect your experience with testosterone and tools to intuitively guide you through the process. The women's web sites will give you the step by step instructions. If it offends your masculinity to use a women's guide to learn how to fix things then you have several options.

Send the lady of the house out with the credit card and instructions not to return for several hours. Use the privacy to read whatever website you need to.
Ask the women to help out by Googling the problem for you. Pretend to tolerate the results she finds.
Suck it up like a man, admit that you don't know shit about repairing a toilet and get your instructions from the pink website.

Your next step is to go out to the hardware store and buy the wax ring and any other tools you need. I really recommend a ten pack or so of latex disposable gloves. Some websites will tell you to disassemble the toilet first and take the old wax ring with you to make sure you get the right size. Don't bother doing this. The wax ring pretty much only comes in one size and the old one is nasty gross right now. Just don't.

Back at home, have your tools and some towels and rags at the ready.

Turn off the water flow to the toilet. It's a valve down in the back on the wall.

Flush the toilet to get rid of most of the water.

When you discover that holding the flush handle down only empties the tank in the back but not the bowl, turn the water back on to refill the tank and then turn it off again before giving it a proper flush.

You are right to worry about the little bit of water left in both the tank and bowl. If, like me, you cant figure out what to do about it, remind yourself that it is just tap water in a porcelain container and it is pretty clean. Besides, you have rubber gloves and rags here. Fetch the mop just in case.

Disconnect the water supply to the tank. This will take that crescent wrench. This is also a good time to come to terms with the fact that you will be crawling around on the floor in front of the toilet in the pukers position. Flashbacks to your youthful drinking days could be expected. If you haven't already this would be a good time to back up a few steps and clean your toilet. Especially those hard to reach places you are about to get intimate with.

When you get the water supply disconnected the tank will leak a bunch of water onto the floor. You could go get a bucket to catch it, but you will be too late.

Take the fancy, decorative caps off the bolts holding the toilet to the floor. These ought to pop right off, or sometimes you can wiggle a flathead screwdriver under an edge to pry them off. After five minutes of jacking around with these things just get some lock jaw pliers, clamp them on the sides and rip the thingys off. This will leave scratches and deformations in the plastic, but screw it, they are just stupid plastic things to hide some bolts and no one looks at them anyway.

Unscrew and remove the nuts and washers on both sides. Crescent wrench again. This is a good time to realize that no matter how well you clean there will still be places on your toilet that are nasty and gross. Like underneath the decorative bolt covers. Go get those latex gloves. Finish removing the nuts and washers and put them aside, you will need them later.

Now for the heavy lifting. Grasp the toilet by the lip of the bowl or any other convenient hand hold near the bowl or base. Do not lift by the tank and be careful about grips that may stress and crack the porcelain. Lift the whole toilet off the bolts. Careful, that fucker is heavy. Move it away from where it was sitting. You are going to want to lean it on its side. Don't bash it into the bathroom drywall, shower door glass, the tub or anything else, that will give you more repair work later. Just tip it over in the middle of the bathroom floor. Remember that water that was still inside? Yeah, me too. Run and get another towel that you can put in front of the bathroom door so the puddle of water now on the floor does not run out into the carpet.

Take a rag and stuff it into the hole in the floor so that sewer gases do not enter your home while you are working.

Now you are going to want to clean up the old wax ring. They call it a wax ring because it is just that, a ring of wax. When installed the wax smushes to form a seal between the toilet and the sewer pipe. Right now you have mighty blobs of smushed wax piled on the floor where the toilet was. There is also wax on the base of the toilet. There is also wax smeared all over the bathroom floor where you dragged that toilet. This aint no fancy perfumed candle wax either, this is nasty toilet wax that has been blocking your shit for who knows how many years.

When your gloves and rags get too sticky with wax, just throw them in the trash bag and get more gloves. (You did get the ten pack of gloves right?)

The floor where the toilet was sitting is probably pretty nasty right now too. Especially since that is right where the leak was. Just clean up that filth. Oh god, that is nasty. Do Not Puke! The toilet is currently out of commission. If you have to make a sudden dash out for fresh air, be mindful that there is now a toilet blocking the door and puddles of water on the floor. Sudden movement may result is slipping and injury, move carefully and deliberately when evacuating the bathroom.

After getting some fresh air and fresh gloves this is a good time to recognize that you will never again have such a fine opportunity to clean the floor and wall behind the toilet. This is also pretty nasty, just think about football and get it done. Nasty rags and sponges should go straight to the trash bag.

After cleaning nasty sticky wax until you are immune to the gag reflex (don't forget to clean the base of the toilet too) pull the new wax ring out of the box.

Press the wax gasket evenly over the horn of the toilet outlet with the plastic flange pointing away.

Make sure the bolts are lined up and ready.

Now lift the toilet back into place, you will need to carry the heavy motherfucker without smushing the new wax ring against the floor, line it up with the bolts and set it into place.

When you slip in a puddle of water and drop the toilet too soon, inspect the wax ring for damage. It is probably fine. Replace it on the horn of the toilet outlet because it is sticking to the floor more than it is sticking to the toilet.

When you can't get the bolts to line up on the first try and need to set the toilet down, inspect the wax ring for damage. It is probably fine. Replace it on the horn of the toilet outlet because it is sticking to the floor more than it is sticking to the toilet.

On the next attempt, just put the ring in place on the floor over the drain pipe and hope for the best. Besides, it is sticking to the floor more than it is to the toilet. This is also a good time to remember that you have a rag stuffed down the drainpipe. That should be removed before you install the toilet.

When you finally get that heavy bastard toilet in place over the bolts, resist the urge to lift it again to see what damage was done to the wax ring. It's probably fine. Besides, if it is damaged you are just back to where you started with a leaky toilet. Just put everything back together and see if it leaks or not.

Sit on the toilet. Use your body weight to squish the wax ring into a tight seal. Wiggle back and forth and rock the toilet around a little so that it seats itself and spreads the wax.

Put the washers and nuts back on the bolts. Get another rag too because the bolts will probably have some wax squished all over them. Tighten the bolts carefully and evenly to avoid cracking the porcelain.

Re-connect the water supply to the tank with the crescent wrench.

Have more towels at the ready before you turn the water back on.

If all has gone well, turning the water on will refill the tank and bowl. Inspect for leaks. Check the water line connection, it might have been fastened incorrectly. Check where the tank connects to the bowl, it might have been stressed or damaged as you were moving stuff around. Check the base at the floor, this is the seal we were trying to fix in the first place.

If you have leaks, you are just fucked. I can't help you. Turn off the water, flush the toilet and call the plumber.

If there are no leaks congratulate yourself. Clean the wax off your tools, Clean the rest of the wax off the floor. Mop the floor. Throw all those towels and rags into the laundry with extra bleach. Splash some bleach onto your tools to sanitize them. Rubber gloves into the trash. Wash your hands. Take out the trash. Wash your hands again. Dry your tools. Wash your hands again. Go fetch a beer. Think better of it because you feel really gross after crawling around on the bathroom floor in toilet water and nasty wax. Shower. Twice. Now drink beer.

Out of paranoia inspect the toilet for leaks every hour for the next two days.

The modern girlfriend conundrum

2007-10-16T16:01:00.000-06:00

She:: Are you here with the student?
Me:: Yeah.
She:: Is it a girl?
Me:: Yeah.
She:: It's okay, were just nosy.
He:: Remember the time we were asking T_ about a girl. He was all "She's not my girlfriend!"
She:: He got defensive.
He:: Back in the day if you asked a guy if a girl was his girlfriend he was proud of that. He would be bragging "Oh yeah, one of many." Nowadays guys deny it. "She's not my girlfriend".

Representing the west

2007-10-06T08:13:00.000-06:00

Dad:: It's that whole attitude of thinking people need to be told what to do.
Me:: Now that's an east coast idea if I ever heard one. Wouldn't fly in Montana. The western myth is too strong here. People move here for the independence and freedom. You don't find many people in western states that tolerate being told what to do. You know, that is probably what is wrong with the country right now. When is the last time we had a president from a western state?
Dad:: Bush is from Texas.
Me:: That may be his address, but he does not embody the western myth. Both of the Bushes got their money and their status from the east coast.
Dad:: Reagan was from California.
Me:: Does California count as western?
Dad:: I'm not sure it does. At least it doesn't fit very well with the western myth that we have been talking about.
Me:: Carter was from the south. Where did Ford come from?
Dad:: Midwest. Illinois or Michigan. One of those.
Me:: And what about Nixon?
Dad:: California.
Me:: Makes sense. Have we ever had a president from a western state?
Dad:: Well, LBJ was another Texican.
Me:: Kennedy was east coast.
Dad:: I think Truman and Roosevelt were midwest. You may have to go all the way back to Teddy Roosevelt to find a president that embodied the western myth.
Me:: Yeah, he lived up to it. I think that is the root of all the troubles this country is having. Belief in personal independence and strength and freedom are missing from our government. I think the world would be a better place if a Montanan were to become president.
Dad:: Schweitzer might decide to run someday.
Me:: Hmmm. Well, a western president would still be an improvement.

Road trip summary

2007-09-29T18:47:00.000-06:00

Hours spent in the vehicle: 63

Average speed: 61.5 MPH

Total miles: 5349

Nights spent in hotel rooms: 13

Longest day: 640 miles. West Montana to East Montana.

Hours spent in a ninth grade classroom: ¾.

Old friends I got to meet for lunch: 1

Most state lines crossed in one day: 6. (Virginia, Maryland, West Virginia, Pensylvania, West Virginia, Ohio.)

Best truck stop breakfast: Cafe on exit 307 of interstate 94 through North Dakota.

Most humbling moment: Nephew kicking my ass seven times in a row at Star Wars Battlefront on the Xbox.

Coolest thing I saw: The Wright brothers airplane.

Most interesting social encounter: Flirting with the girl at the bar in Ohio.

Best beer: Moose Drool, waiting right here for me in good ol' Montana just as soon as I got back in the state.

Flattest most boring landscape: Illinois.

Best mountains (east of the Mississippi): West Virginia.

Best mountains (west of the Mississippi): Montana!

Bumpiest roads: North Dakota.

Best home cooked meal: The M_'s farm in Ohio. Fresh milk from the cow, homemade butter, a pot roast that melts in your mouth and a slice of homegrown tomato so thick and meaty I had to cut it with a knife.

Worst city traffic: Washington D.C. (Honorable mention: Minneapolis.)

Best city traffic: Fargo.

Cutest waitresses: North Dakota.

Dad's best one liner: "If the toilet paper was any thinner it would only have one side."

National Air and Space Museum

2007-09-24T05:06:00.000-06:00

Me:: Does everyone have their cell phone? I'm pretty sure we are gonna get split up.
MM:: Got mine. I guess the plan is to split into groups. Niece is with S_, grandpa is with me and nephew is with MJ.
Me:: Sweet, the buddy system. Ready to hit it buddy?
Nephew:: Yup.
Me:: All right, let's see. Over here is. Oooooh! Lookit that! That's a Viking lander! That is one of the first probes that they landed on mars.
Nephew:: Yeah, that's the camera and that's the scooper and that is the radio antenna.
Me:: Ooooh! Lookit that! They have Spaceship One here. That is the first privately owned spaceship. And it is right next to, ooooh lookit, it's the Spirit of St. Louis.
Nephew:: Hey, look at that.
Me:: Ooooh! That one is the first plane to go Mach 2. That's cool!
Me:: Oh wow, lookit that! That is a P-51.
Nephew:: That is a pretty fast plane.
Me:: Yeah! That is a pretty fast plane, it has one heck of an engine in it. And ooooh, lookit that! It's a Japanese zero.
Me:: Oh, check it out!. It's the Wright brothers plane. Cool! Do you know what this is?
Nephew:: Yeah, it's one of those old planes.
Me:: Not just any old plane, this is the first airplane ever. Oooh, lookit that.
Nephew:: Hey, it's a moon lander.
Me:: What? Where? Ooooh! Lookit that! That is so cool!
MM:: So how is your day going.
Me:: This is so cool! It's a total kid in a candy store day for me. I hope nephew is keeping up with me.
Nephew:: I am. Can we go see that galaxy thing next?
Me:: Oh yeah.

Petting zoo

2007-09-22T05:51:00.000-06:00

The tent was striped red and white and the dirty banner read "Free Admission". We wandered over to see what was going on. There were llamas, goats, ponies, a large tiger, striped orange and black, a monkey, some lemurs and a trio of lion cubs. Outside the tent was a camel and another tent was hung with a sign "See the exotic black panther, $1.00". We browsed the cages and pens. The cats were beautiful but restless. The monkey looked as bored as a ninth grader in math class. There were signs directing us to get a photo taken with a lion cub for $3.00. Pony rides for $1.00. You could buy animal feed for $2.00. A sad looking string of dolls and Tasmanian Devils and Incredible Hulks jostled each other in the breeze, waiting for the enthusiasm to be sold. After inspecting each of the cages Dad and I looked at each other with a shrug and left.

Dad:: What are the ethics of that?
Me:: I'm not sure what is going on, but it felt sketchy to me.
Dad:: The fellow said they will be here for some festival later in the month.
Me:: That makes sense. I didn't see enough income there to cover the cost of feeding and transporting those animals.
Dad:: They probably make more money at fairs and so on. I asked the guy about moving them in the trucks and he said that they stop every few hours to check on the animals and make sure there is plenty of food and water. But those trucks are pretty small and the cages are pretty small. They don't get much chance to get out and move. Some of those animals are more accustomed to wide open spaces.
Me:: There is a part of me that wants to give them the benefit of the doubt. The sign said they come from an exotic animal preserve in Florida and perhaps that is true. This could be a side branch to that business. But if all these animals do is go from county fair to county fair, well, they are not living much of a life.
Dad:: That parking lot is a pretty hard surface to live on too.
Me:: Yeah, I thought about that. The straw they have down won't be much comfort.
Dad:: Not much comfort at all.
Me:: Yup, the whole thing felt pretty shady.

Montana has a charm

2007-09-20T11:44:00.000-06:00

She:: You know, I have always been fascinated with Montana. I have always loved saying the word Montana, even before I knew anything about it. And back in school when we had to do reports on the states I always picked Montana to do my report on. But I never went out there until after my sister moved there.
He:: The only thing about Montana, unlike here, is well, here everything you could want culturally is within an hour away. Doesn't work that way out there.
Me:: You know, I agree with you. That would be my only complaint with Montana. Culture and variety are harder to come by.
Dad:: I don't know about that. Everything I need is just down the road in Missoula. Less than an hour away.
Me:: Sure, but can you go see a broadway show on any given weekend?
Dad:: Well, no. You have me there.
Me:: But Montana does have a charm.
She:: Oh so true. Montana most definatly has a charm. I always want to keep going back there.

Road trip with dad. Day 4.

2007-09-19T19:27:00.000-06:00

Sitting in the car all day is making me uncomfortably horny. And traveling with dad I have had no privacy to masturbate. I am spending my days suffering from uncomfortable hardons. I have got to take my mind off this somehow. Gaze at the scenery and the undulating, curvy hills. No. Look at those grain silos standing erect along the horizon. No. Check out that oil derrick pumping and thrusting rhythmically. Arrrrgh. No. This is going to be a long trip.

Caterpillar

2007-09-15T18:38:00.000-06:00

I instinctively stepped toward the side of the road when the truck rounded the corner but she did not. I looked at her and she was calmly standing in the road staring down the oncoming vehicle. I watched as the driver just as calmly drifted his truck aside and missed us all by a good margin. She was pretty serious about protecting small and helpless things. She didn't even flinch.

I had been watching the caterpillar for a while now. About an inch long, fuzzy, orange in the middle and black on both ends with white spiky hairs sticking out. It was squirming it's way onto the asphalt. I was distracted as it crawled into the first lane of traffic, but when I looked for it again after a couple of cars had passed it had luckily survived all the way to the double yellow line. I pointed it out to her and how lucky it had been getting halfway across. She walked out into the road and admired its white spikes and fuzzy stripes. "I've been known to help helpless little things out." She said. She stationed herself in the middle of the far lane and stood vigil over the little bug.

The first vehicle made me flinch, but not her. The caterpillar continued its slow crawl. I stood with her more resolutely as the second vehicle dodged us. By the time the third vehicle swerved around us the little bugger had pretty much cleared the road.

"There you go little guy, now go do great things." She said. I was just glad to get out of traffic.

Down strokes

2007-09-06T20:04:00.000-06:00

He:: I finally got to hear P_ sing. She is so angelic. She is quite good.
Me:: Angelic is the right word for it. Isn't she amazing?
He:: And I had a chance to play with C_ and Z_ too. Z_ is pretty good. He can do Johnny Cash really well.
Me:: I have never heard Z_ play.
He:: Well, he is pretty good. And I noticed something interesting too. I have seen it in all the guitar players from your generation. You and C_ and Z_ and even S_, you all have a style of playing only down strokes.
Me:: It's that punk influence.
He:: You know, I think you are right, I really do think that is it. But it's really impressive to me that every one of you does it. It's a generational thing. All the guitar players your age do it.

It's a guy thing

2007-08-29T21:59:00.000-06:00

She:: My husband has these tee shirts, in fact every lady I know complains that their husbands have these tee shirts. They are just worn out to where you can see through them. They are just worn to nothing. But everyone's husbands refuse to let them get thrown away. In fact, when you try to they get all "Where is that shirt of mine." It's crazy that they won't get rid of them.
Me:: Naw, that's normal. It's a guy thing.
She:: But why? He wouldn't let me toss this nasty pillow of his either.
Me:: See, we guys bond with the clothes and things we are close to. It starts when you buy us a new shirt, that shirt is a complete unknown. Maybe it scratches or shows off the gut too well or lets us down is some way, so we are gonna be skeptical of it. We might not wear it if there is a tried and true alternative. That is until we bond with it. Once it proves that it can be a comfortable and flattering shirt we are gonna start testing the limits. Wear it to the office, and the beach, and to the game and here and there. If the shirt holds up it becomes important. We have made some memories with it and done cool things with it. It becomes really treasured and valued. You don't just give up on things that have watched out for you so well. So even if it becomes worn out or threadbare, that is still the really cool shirt that you wore to the big game or whatever. You can't just toss it. You have bonded. Guys don't want to toss their favorite stuff. It's like telling them to ignore an old war buddy. And they will also resist the brand new stuff. Just be patient. When you buy him a new shirt, don't force him to wear it all the time, give him time to bond with it. If it's a good shirt he will connect with it soon enough and then in a few years it will be the shirt he refuses to get rid of.
She:: I told my husband that spiel you had about not getting rid of old shirts and he was all "that is so right, that is just how it is."
Me:: Yup. It's a guy thing.

Killing the school

2007-08-23T07:43:00.000-06:00

Teacher:: I'm a little worried about what's going to happen to our school. They have been building up all that housing nearby.
She:: It's just going to inundate you with kids, isn't it?
Teacher:: No. They are turning that old farmland into all these three million dollar houses. No one with kids can afford to live there. Families have to move farther away and this school is just going to die.

Paving paradise

2007-08-17T20:33:00.000-06:00

He:: I watched it happen in California when I was growing up. My parents were farmers and the area I grew up in was all agrarian and pastoral. As I got older more and more people moved in to the area and there was more and more development. Today I don't recognize it at all. It's all strip malls and suburbs.
She:: They paved paradise.
He:: That's right. And I see the same thing happening here in Montana too. Bozeman has changed a lot. And Lewistown is growing.
She:: And Whitefish.
He:: But the strange thing to me is I asked my parent's what they thought of it. They lived there through it all. They just sort of shrugged and said "its progress". They thought it was normal.
Me:: You know, I think I agree with your parents. Personally I would prefer to live in a community that is economically prosperous and growing and thriving. I would certainly prefer that over somewhere that is stagnate and dying without opportunities. Unfortunately one of the prices you pay is paving paradise.

What is this thing?

2007-08-16T19:49:00.000-06:00

This little guy climbed a tree when he saw me coming and then sat up there and barked at me. I have never seen one before. Any idea what it is?

The Buck stops here

2007-08-14T20:24:00.001-06:00

Have you ever eaten a huckleberry?

2007-08-11T20:15:00.000-06:00

A yummy little morsel related to the blueberry. Native to the mountains of the northwest United States, the huckleberry plant has defied all efforts at domestication and cannot be cultivated. It only exists in the wild mountains and forests. It is a favorite treat of Grizzly Bears and hikers.

I have always had family in Montana, so I have known of and have been eating huckleberries for longer than I can remember. But when I leave the area it becomes immediately apparent that the rest of the world knows little of this delicacy.

I can't remember my first huckleberry but I can point to several events in my life that has tightened my bond with them. Being coaxed up the trail as a child. "Lets look for huckleberries around the next bend." And then after a few huckleberries right off the bush I would be coaxed around another bend. In this manner I learned to climb mountains.

As a young teen I learned that when an attractive lady asks you to go pick huckleberries with her, you say "YES". This is also when I learned not to violate the integrity of another persons huckleberry bucket. Just because you are huckleberry picking with them does not mean that you are going to split the bounty equally. She who picks the most berries wins. And no, she is not going to drop this handful of berries into your bucket for convenience. She will clutch them in her hands through a quarter mile of thickets and brush before giving them up to the likes of you. To this day I believe that it's not love until you can share the huckleberries.

As a young man I had to decide just how much to risk for these little berries. A friend of mine had just blissfully and ignorantly walked a mere 15 feet from a grizzly bear in her quest for a better huckleberry bush. With the bear between her and us it took much jumping, shouting and pantomime to convince her to climb up and away from the bear she never saw. And then when the group was safely rejoined and we were moving away to safety we still stopped to grab a few huckleberries.

Among berries, the huckleberry is sublime. It could be described as similar to a blueberry, but that would be like describing a Lamborghini as similar to a Buick. It would be like comparing a high school art show to the Louvre. Like describing a Stradivarius as some old fiddle. The huckleberry is the prince of berries. If picked too soon it can be tart, but milder than a raspberry. If picked too late it can be sweet, but with a subtlety that no strawberry has ever known. At the perfect peak it puts out a hearty flavorfulness that blackberries dream about. And when you have picked a bucketful of these beauties, the medley sings in your mouth and makes you believe in world peace.

The current going rate is between $30 and $35 per gallon. That is why it is so hard to find a piece of pure huckleberry pie. Huckleberry pies cost a damn fortune. Most of the pies are huckleberry peach, or huckleberry raspberry, or huckleberry rhubarb. The only way to make a huckleberry pie affordable is to cut the berries with some other fruit.

There are several small businesses making a decent living by manufacturing huckleberry jam and huckleberry chocolate and huckleberry coffee and huckleberry jelly beans and so on. The Tillamook dairy over in Washington, which makes a pretty decent huckleberry ice cream, puts out a huckleberry yogurt. I saw it in the store the other day and of course I had to have it. At breakfast I dove for the fridge with eager spoon in hand. Just for the record, you can forget about the Tillamook huckleberry yogurt. They make the stuff with damn blueberries. They ain't foolin' anyone. I can taste the difference.

Huckleberries

2007-08-09T22:04:00.000-06:00

Before:

After:

An asset to the organization

2007-08-08T19:54:00.000-06:00

Office Girl:: Jones, you have a phone call.
Me:: Thanks, do you know who it is?
OG:: Nope.
Me:: Hello, this is Jones… Uh, huh… Yes… Well that's good news… Really? That's wonderful… Thank you very much. I'm glad you had a good time… Thank you, I appreciate that… You too, thanks again.
OG:: What was that?
Me:: I am an asset to the organization.
OG:: Really?
Me:: Yup. According to Mr. R_. He stayed with us a few weeks ago and I guess I made the reservation a while back. Anyway, he called to say that he had a great time, thought the staff was top notch, appreciated that I answered his questions and steered him in the right direction. He thinks I am an asset to the organization.
OG:: I guess that settles it.
Me:: I'm gonna go put a gold star on the fridge.

Sex sells

2007-08-06T21:04:00.000-06:00

Me:: I think my blog has been kinda lame for the past year or so. It needs some new spice.
She:: Not much to write about? You need a good girlfriend to spice things up, then you would have plenty of drama to blog about.
Me:: The good ones are hard to come by. And I don't like drama.
She:: You're blogging about broken ovens? I agree, your blog needs spice. Hon, I love ya... but you need more spice.
Me:: So what do you suggest?
She:: Sex sells.
Me:: Okay, so I need to have more sex. Story of my life.
She:: lmao, Story of everyone's lives... Just saying we all (secretly) love hearing about it.

Skinny dip

2007-08-05T20:25:00.000-06:00

I usually feel comfortable dropping my pants in my own home. Comfortable enough to create the mantra "Pants are overrated." It puzzles me that the same act of pants dropping can feel uncomfortable and out of place elsewhere. I once experimented with a theory that I would feel just fine being naked in other settings too. This theory did not hold up well.

On the shore of a mountain lake at 5:30 in the morning with the twilight starting to pink the sky and only trees and mountains as an audience, disrobing takes on a new sensation. It falls somewhere between bedroom comfortable and doctors office awkward. The motions are quick and deliberate, no reason to be timid, yet there is the nagging feeling of worry. What if I get caught? I try not to feel self-conscious as I walk down into the water.

Cool, but not cold I am hesitant about pushing more of my skin into the wet. Eventually my feet and legs adjust to the cooler temperature and I wade out deeper until there is nothing left but to pick my feet up and submerge entirely. I only spend a short time in the water. Dunking myself and paddling a little. Then with the first birdsong lullabying from the woods I drip my naked self up out of the water and over to the towel.

Drying and dressing are anti climatic. I feel like there should be more excitement when you get naked outdoors in a public place. I secretly wish that there were someone else to share the experience with, preferably a girl, to create a romantic setting. Being alone makes it boring. Getting naked and jumping in a lake was dull. Uneventful. Unthrilling. A mediocre event in my day.

In the end, being naked outdoors was no scandal. The water was refreshing. It felt ordinary. Perhaps my naked theory might still work out.

Evacuate

2007-08-04T07:20:00.000-06:00

The call came right after I had packed my lunch and was about to head out the door. An employee with a medical problem. One of my worst fears.

Not an accident or an injury, just a toothache with swelling. He can't eat or sleep so that makes it a serious problem in my book. Serious enough to be one of my worst fears, evacuating an employee.

I spent an hour on the phone trying to lay the groundwork. A dozen or more calls and I find a dentist that can see him in five days. I am amazed at the number of dentists that are vacationing right now or refuse to work Fridays; even for emergencies. More communicating. The employee agrees to sit tight for five days. The manager disagrees. She wants him out and cared for right now, today. I'm not in a very good position to second guess this one, so I make some more calls and lay some more groundwork. The walk in clinic can see him today and they could prescribe antibiotics and painkillers until we can get to the dentist. More calls, more communicating. Get on the trail in a half hour and I will shuttle him from the trailhead to the clinic.

More calls. Make sure the rest of the staff is on their tasks and make sure their needs are met. The clock is my nemesis now. I have errands to run, make sure the last minute supplies are picked up and moving. Make sure the gas tank is topped off, there might be a lot of running around to do today. The staff has their jobs covered, all they need is some information and all is well. I hustle to the trail.

He is waiting when I get there. Damn, he made good time getting out. It is a fast pickup but a long drive back to town. "Do you need to stop for anything? Something to eat or a soda or anything? Or should we go straight through to the doctor?"

"Let's just go straight through." No problem.

The clinic is all about the waiting room. It doesn't look busy but the wait is over an hour. We wait. Medical evacuation sounds exciting. It's not. You spend a lot of time waiting. I spent a lot of time worrying. Worrying about the break in the routine and the extra work I will need to do to get back on track. Worrying about the stress that being short manned causes the rest of the team. Worrying because that is my job, to worry about these people. These kids.

When I hired them I agreed to watch out for their wellbeing while they work for me. And now one of them was hurt. There was no way to prevent this. Nothing I could have done or trained them to do would have prevented an infected toothache. Being helpless does not make the worry go away.

Of all the things I have to do in this job, this is the hardest. I have never before been so worried about making a wrong decision. Is this the best medical help I can get? Did I find the right dentist? The most affordable? My employee has no insurance and this adventure will be a serious setback to his summer paycheck. Is this the best I can do? It hurts me in my gut to think about these things.

I followed through with the waiting and the shuttling and the phone calls keeping up with the rest of the staff. By the time I got my employee a bed for the night and pointed the car toward home I was tired. Emotionally exhausted. Tomorrow I will show up for work as cheerfully as I can muster. I don't want to give any of the staff the impression that this is hard. I don't want them to know that I fear this. I want them to know that I will do anything to watch out for them and I don't want them to know that I go home drained because of it.

Family History

2007-08-02T07:33:00.000-06:00

Brother:: That's where I met your mom you know, on the mountain.
Kid:: I know.
Brother:: And your grandma and grandpa met there too.
Uncle:: Yup, your granddad was wranglin' horses while your grandma was working on the mountain.
Aunt:: Have you met anyone Jones?
Me:: Not that I have been able to keep.
Brother:: There are advantages to that.
Uncle:: Yeah, you are probably better off than you know.

A lame proposal

2007-07-28T07:21:00.000-06:00

She:: I usually cry a lot at weddings, but this one was lame. I had my hanky ready and everything and I just couldn't conjure a tear.
Me:: Bummer. Lame weddings suck.
She:: Totally. There was just no romance. It was like they were doing a business contract or something. And she told the story of how he proposed and even that was lame.
Me:: Do I want to know?
She:: Yeah, so you know how not to be lame.
Me:: You're right. Lame sucks. Teach me how not to be lame.
She:: Okay, so to not be lame, don't propose like he did. It started with his Christmas gift, which was this fleece jacket but it was three sizes too big.
Me:: That's already not cool.
She:: No, girls don't want to be reminded that you don't know their size and if you are going to guess, don't guess huge. So anyway, they returned it but he didn't exchange it. He just brought it back.
Me:: So he took back his Christmas gift? That is lame.
She:: Totally lame. So then for her birthday, in June, in Florida, he got her another fleece jacket. Only this time it was only about two sizes too big.
Me:: He got her a fleece in June in Florida?
She:: And the wrong size again. And so when she tried it on and was all bummin' over the lame gift he was all "put your hand in the pocket." That's where he stashed the ring and that's how he proposed.
Me:: He got her a fleece in Florida in June? And he somehow thought this was a spiffy place to hide an engagement ring?
She:: He didn't even take her out, or go someplace romantic or anything. He made a lame-ass proposal on his living room couch of all the places.
Me:: Yeah, that is lame. He should have been ballzy enough to propose in public.
She:: Or at least someplace more romantic. Like the beach or something. So if you don't want to make a lame proposal, don't do any of those things.
Me:: Got it. Good to know.

Dehydration

2007-07-26T21:10:00.000-06:00

He:: I can't believe I went through four quarts of water on that hike.
Me:: Yeah, it was hot today. I went through twice my normal amount.
He:: And then I went through a pitcher of lemonade afterward.
Me:: Good for you. It scares me to see people up here not carrying water at all.
He:: Well back when I was younger I didn't carry much water. Back then dehydration was part of the experience. It was just what happened when you went camping.
Me:: Ahhh, yes. The good old days. Or is that young and stupid?
He:: Once you learn that drinking water helps, you don't go back. It keeps you cooler, your muscles don't cramp, you recover faster, and you have more energy.

Horse tales

2007-07-25T07:22:00.000-06:00

He:

I don't know how those wranglers do it. I couldn't do it. M_ was telling me that she keeps seeing all those people at the end of their ride just barely hanging on and leaning way over in the saddle. Just tipped over like this. They must have those saddles cinched down really tight.

She:

Ha. And it makes you so sore to. I bet those people are just uncomfortable at the end of the day.

He:

And then there are the ones that fall off. I guess M_ had to help someone the other day that fell and hit their head.

Me:

I had an incident a few years back where a lady fell. Hit her head, got a concussion and alert had to fly her out.

She:

Oh god, what happened?

Me:

Well the official story is that someone up ahead dropped a water bottle and that made her horse misstep and buck her off. But you know what really happened is that she was tired. They were at the end of a three, four hour ride and she was tired and not paying attention and maybe there was a bottle and a misstep, but the lady just wasn't paying enough attention to stay on the horse.

He:

Or that one last summer where the kids got heat stroke and couldn't stay on.

Me:

I heard about that. Isn't that the incident where the dad or whoever told his kids not to drink any water because they were going to be on the horses for so long and he didn't want them to have to get off and pee. They ended up with heat stroke.

She:

Heat stroke. Oh god. Because they couldn't drink water?

He:

Yeah, I was there when they were leaving. I like to hold my horse as the group goes by. It's usually no big thing, but sometimes something can spook them, so I like to be there just in case. And I stood there and watched them get everyone saddled and ready and it was just crazy.

They would get someone up on the horse and then move on to the next one and meanwhile the first horse wanders off and starts eating grass or whatever and so eventually you have all these horses just scattered around with riders that don't know anything. And so they finally got everyone up and ready and the wrangler is all "So do you remember who you followed? Does everyone know where you belong in the line?" and they were all "yeah, we think so." Because the horses get used to following a certain animal and you can get them confused when you do it different.

So the wrangler gets saddled up on his lead horse and everyone works their way into line and as they are about to get going this one kid calls out "I need some water." The wrangler yells back that you all have canteens on your saddle there and the kid says again "I need water now." And then he topples over. Falls right off, fainted.

She:

Oh god.

He:

Yeah, they had been standing out in the sun for like twenty or thirty minutes, out in the heat getting saddled up and this is after spending all day without drinking any water. Gave him heat stroke.

So the wrangler gets off his horse to go back and deal with it and then his horse starts wandering off and of course the whole line of horses starts following him. So I go and hold that lead horse before it becomes even more of a circus. They got that kid taken care of. It was another half hour before they could get started down the trail. I don't know how those wranglers do it. I couldn't do it.

Toilet Paper

2007-07-22T21:59:00.000-06:00

She:: Hey, I have an FYI for you.
Her:: Oh? Okay.
She:: When my grandmother had problems with her septic system and the guy came out to fix it, he told her that the worst stuff you could possibly put down the toilet and into the septic system is Charmin Ultra.
Her:: Oh really?
She:: Yeah. A small system just can't handle that beefy stuff.
Her:: And that is what I have in there right now, isn't it?
She:: Sure is.
Her:: So what is the best?
She:: Kirkland.
Her:: The Costco brand?
She:: Yup. That is what the guy said.
Me:: Since moving to Montana I have learned more about septic systems than I have ever wanted to know.

Don't work too hard

2007-07-19T21:14:00.000-06:00

She:: Try not to work so hard.
Me:: This is summer. You know this is when I work hard.
She:: Yeah, but you should take a day off now and again. Try not to overdo it.
Me:: I do that in the winter. Now is my time for bustin' ass.
She:: I know.
Me:: You know, it looks hard, and sometimes it is. But I really do have the greatest job ever. I love my job. This is something I can get engrossed in and be passionate about.
She:: That's true, but I think the people that care about you worry about you pushing too hard or getting burned out.
Me:: If the season were any longer than it is that would definitely be a concern. I may even change my tune in another month or so when I start getting tired, but for now I am having a great summer. I'm as excited and happy to be doing this as I have ever been.
She:: Cool. I think you are even more positive than you were last year.

Yo bear!

2007-07-17T20:40:00.001-06:00

A reputation as a miracle worker

2007-07-14T19:32:00.000-06:00

A first time parachute student was making his first jump. He fell away from the airplane and when it came time to open his parachute he couldn't get it to work right. He pulled on this and yanked on that and could not get his parachute to open. As he looked about in despair he spotted another man flying up toward him from the ground.

"Hey!" He shouted. "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No!" The other man replied. "Do you know anything about gas ovens?"

There was a knock on the door. "Jones." She said. "Jones, we are having some trouble with our oven. We hit the thermostat with a cake pan and now it's bent and we want you to take a look before we move it or damage it any more."

"Okay, I'll be down in a few minutes."

In the kitchen I snooped into the oven. Just as described the thermostat temperature sensor was hanging precariously. I put on an oven mitt and nudged it a little, it popped off into my hand. "Yup." I announced. "Your oven is broken."

I was given a quick tour of the burned cakes that the problem had produced and eavesdropped a staff planning session on how they could possibly bake the roasts, the breads, the cake, the cookies and the vegetables with only one oven. I offered up the suggestion that if someone just monitored the oven temperature every ten minutes they could still get use out of the damaged oven and several people volunteered to be the human thermostat. I turned my attention to the operating manual.

The parts list page proved most interesting and when I thought to heroically call in a replacement part on the spot I was thwarted because the company was closed on Sundays. So I called my business partner instead and asked about spare parts on hand. "I need the one with the coil of wire and a thingamabob on the end." I said. "Oooh. I have that here." She replied. Jackpot.

My business partner called me back three times to let me know that she was consulting resident expert and that there would be more parts and that the whole package would be at the corral in the morning so the riders could carry it in and I should spend an extra night to make sure I had enough time to make the repair. At least some of her ideas are good ones.

Somehow the team managed to bake bread with someone standing duty as a human thermostat. The next morning I commandeered the oven as early as I could. To expose the thermostat I had to strip the top, some rails on the side and a front panel. Then it was hurry up and wait. The horses arrived two hours later and sure enough they had the package as promised.

The repair took all afternoon. I spent a lot of time reading and re-reading the manual. At least twice I worried that I broke the replacement part. Somehow it all came together. I disassembled and reassembled when I found the gas leak. The calibration was sketchy at best. I had it put together again just in time for the cook to put the potatoes in. Dinner was saved.

I informed the staff that they could stand down from human thermostat duty. I was given many accolades for my newfound gas oven repair skills. The staff now thinks I have powers of repair unsurpassed in the mountains. Reputations can be hard to live up to.

Sick

2007-07-13T06:47:00.000-06:00

He:: You sound stuffy Jones, do you have allergies?
Me:: Not really, I just have this sore throat thing.
She:: You sound terrible, are you sick?
Me:: No, just a frog in my throat.
She:: That's no frog, that's a buffalo.
Him:: Are you alright Jones? You don't sound so good.
Me:: I just had a sore throat, I'm getting over it.
Her:: That cough sounds terrible. Are you sure you are okay?
Me:: Yeah, I had a throat thing that has gone down to my chest. I'm okay.
Guy:: Are you sure you should be here? You sound bad.
Me:: Yeah, I'm fine. Gimmie that tissue.
Girl:: Are you sick Jones?
Me:: Okay, I'm sick. Alright? I have a cold. Are you happy? It's not all that bad, it hasn't slowed me down. Can't I be in denial about anything around here?
They:: Here, have some tea with lemon. Take this vitamin C. Are you taking Echinacea? Summer colds suck. You should get some sleep. Would you like a bowl of soup? Don't breath on me. Do you think it's this heat? Drink some orange juice. Have you taken your vitamin C?

Horse ride

2007-07-10T19:22:00.000-06:00

She:: How was the horse ride?
Me:: Short.
She:: That's good.
Me:: Not short as in faster, short as in only a few minutes.
She:: Oh?
Me:: Yeah, W_'s horse had thrown a shoe on the way up and then started limping on the way down, so he had to get off and walk. I couldn't sit on a horse and watch a cowboy walk so I offered him my horse.
She:: That was nice of you.
Me:: It got us down a lot quicker. Besides, it's the natural order of things; cowboys should ride and hikers should walk. Doing it the other way around feels wrong.

How to have a good hike

2007-07-07T21:14:00.000-06:00

Drink before you get thirsty.

Eat before you get hungry.

Tape it before it bleeds.

Happy Hiking.

Dismissing

2007-07-06T20:12:00.000-06:00

Hey B_, do you have a minute? Well, regarding our conversation from last night, I cannot accommodate your request. M_ and I talked it over and we had made a different plan and we are not willing to change our plan for you. Yes, I understand there is a way to do what you are asking, but it also says in the employee handbook, which you signed off on, that no employee would get such treatment. I do not believe that when you were hired or at any other time I offered or implied any special treatment for you. Yes, we did do that in 2003, and again in 2005. But this year we are doing it differently. And there is also precedent from 2004 for doing this my way.

You know, B_, the kicker for me, the thing that made up my mind is that you put out your request as an ultimatum. That doesn't sit well with me. I do this knowing about your track record of good work, but I'm not going to let you tell me how to run my business.

Yes, of course you can apply next year. I am accepting of all applications. You know, I learned a lot of things from S_. The rule that he put out and that I will continue to follow is that all applicants are eligible for hire on a competitive basis. I can't answer that. I will do next years hiring next year.

I'm very sorry you had to drive out here to this result. What would you like to do next? Okay. Is there anything I can do to help you on your way? Can I buy you breakfast? B_, take care. I hope you find a successful summer. Good luck.

Later.

He took it pretty well, in his usual stoic way. I could tell he was upset. He made an argument for how we have done this before and that it is really no big deal, but I held my ground. Made me feel like a cold, heartless, ruthless bastard.

I'm worried that he is not going to see past the one little issue. I know that his was a small request and easy enough to accommodate but that isn't the point. This little thing is the straw that broke the camels back. I think he is going to be angry for a while. I just hope that he can find good in this. It would help him so much to see that change can be good. I have never understood how he can be so resistant to learning and growing.

I really hope that he eventually sees past this one issue and that this boot to the behind helps him move on to something bigger and better. Still, it makes me feel like a cold, heartless, miserly, wicked, uncaring, ruthless bastard.

The 5th of July

2007-07-05T21:39:00.000-06:00

in Hungry Horse Montana.

Birthday greeting

2007-07-04T08:46:00.000-06:00

She:: Thanks for the message but my birthday was yesterday.
Me:: Your birthday is on the 30th.
She:: Yeah. That was yesterday.
Me:: But today is... Dammit, dammit, dammit.
She:: You are so funny. Last year you called a day early.
Me:: So on average I am doing pretty good.
She:: Yeah, you have a good average. And thanks for the message. I appreciate it.
Me:: No problem. Did you have a good birthday?
She:: Yeah, I had a little party earlier while F_ and F_ were still here. It was cool. The boy I have a crush on was here and now Y_ is here and we are consuming leftover party food and drink.
Me:: Awwww, very cool. I'm sorry I forgot your birthday again.
She:: Pop quiz, what is my middle name?
Me:: Ummmm. I don't know. You never told me your middle name.
She:: Yes I have. I've told you lots of times.
Me:: No you haven't. I'm convinced you have never told me.
She:: Awww, you suck.
Me:: It's a trick question. You don't have a middle name.
She:: I have a middle name and I have told you.
Me:: Well, what is it?
She:: It's X_.
Me:: See, you never told me. I would have remembered X_.
She:: You're loosing it buddy.
Me:: Yeah, probably.

Camera? Check.

2007-07-03T21:09:00.000-06:00

Some mornings I need a checklist to get out the door.

Backpack? check.
Camera? check.
Bear spray? check.
Briefcase? check.
Sandals? check.

I gather each item into my arms for the short trip down to my vehicle. I juggle my bundles and burdens into my left arm so I have one hand free for navigating through the doors and locks. There are more gyrations as I grab a forgotten wristwatch from the closet and clench it in my teeth.

Out the front door I am able to single-handidly lock up behind me. At the top step of the stairway I feel my load shift. I hear something thump to the ground. I recognize it instantly as it bounces down the first steps. My camera.

It had leapt from its holster and was now making an unprotected escape down the stairs. I was helpless, my bundle of stuff weighing me down, preventing me from rushing to the rescue. I can only watch it bounce and I wince with distress as it tumbles away.

Thump, "Oooh", thump, "ooh", thump, "ooh", thump, "ooh." I moan through my teeth at each bounce.

Feeling lucky that I only hear thumps and not the sound of breaking glass, I retrieved the camera at the bottom and make my way to the car where my burdens get dumped into the trunk. I inspect for damage.

Not so bad really. It works. What more do you need?

So far in its life this camera has been dropped on cement sidewalks, dropped on rocks, dropped in streams, dropped in snow and has now bounced down a flight of stairs. It is still hanging in pretty well. The viewscreen has a crack through it. It is covered with bashes, nicks and scratches. Yet it can still take a pretty good picture.

Loose the lens cap on the trail… Check.

Hot

2007-06-30T05:41:00.000-06:00

Me:: Do you want to know what the temperature got up to today? I just heard while I was out and about.
She:: Uhhh, sure.
Me:: Do you really want to know?
She:: Well, yeah. I want to know.
Me:: Ninty four.
She:: Wow, and it's still June.
Me:: What gets me is that in the winter when I am cold I can just put on more clothes. But I mostly just hang out in shorts and a tee shirt. But then in the summer when it's hot, where do I go from there? I don't have much dressing down I can do.

Truckin'

2007-06-26T07:35:00.000-06:00

It was an odd sort of thrill to watch the truck in the rearview. A big truck. An honest to god Smokey and the Bandit style eighteen wheeler and it was following me down a little dirt road. I poked my head out the window and looked back to make sure it would clear the power lines. It did. No sweat.

I met the new driver at the gasit mart up the road and immediately took a liking to him. "I've been driving for thirty years." He said. "I don't know what I would do if I couldn't travel like this." He said. "Tight corners are no problem, I like a challenge." He said. And so I drove him around the last leg of the route and showed him the railroad crossing that was such a bitch last year and showed him the tight corners and the power lines and he said "Okay, lets do it."

I led him with my little Subaru and admired the giant machine in my rearview. The rig owned that little dirt road. It dominated every inch of space while taking the corners. The top of the antenna didn't even come close to the lowest power line. The trees looked like they were stepping back to let it pass. It was a thing of beauty seeing it saunter up to the driveway and settle down with a hiss.

While we were unloading a neighbors pickup truck pulled up the road, took a look at the tight clearance to the side and reversed back the way he had come. "Of course you can't make it around," the driver mocked. "I'm bigger than you."

Holy crap do my feet hurt

2007-06-23T19:29:00.000-06:00

Makes me wonder if my boots are really all that good.

Makes me wonder if it is the mileage or the elevation gain.

Makes me wonder if I am getting too old for this long dusty trail shit.

Makes me wonder what all of this summers hikes will do to me.

Reminds me that I get to do a heckuvalota hiking in the summer.

Makes me grateful for my blessings and eager for the next time my feet hurt.

The howdy epiphany

2007-06-18T20:54:00.000-06:00

The epiphany happened at the party. A sunny backyard flowing with laughs and banter, people drinking beer, the smoke from the grill biting the air. There were folks around that I knew and could talk to. The scene was a striking contrast to life in the first year after arriving here. It was comfortable and I felt I belonged.

In my first year as a Montanan I was alone and adrift among the mountains. A new person in a new place and not yet part of a community. Now, this spring, I have been a different person. I have been out playing and enjoying myself, I know places to go and things to do. I have been meeting people, I know names and we have common things to talk about. I know people I can call when I feel like. I know my neighbors well enough to stop and chat with them. I am fitting in.

It has been two and a half years, and the process is not over, but I am beginning to settle in. It feels good.

You know you are Montanan when you can comfortably howdy your neighbors.