Montana Jones

Broccoli Beer Cheese Soup

Start with a big soup pot.

1/4 cup butter.
1/4 cup flour.
A little bit of diced onion.

Melt the butter, stir in the onion, mix in the flour.

Add 1 can of beer.

Add a bunch of chicken stock. 3 cups oughtta do it.

A good dose of white pepper and black pepper and a little bit of cayenne pepper. A dash of garlic powder and a smidgen of celery seed.

Boil.

Simmer for 10 minutes.

1 pound of sharp cheddar cheese, shredded.
A dozen or so slices of American cheese. (Next time I am going for a pound and a half of the sharp cheddar.)

Slowly stir the cheese into the concoction until melted.

3 head of broccoli - chopped into bite sized florets.
2 white potatoes - diced into bite sized pieces.

Steam these before hand. (I hope you read ahead instead of following along.)

Stir 'em in.

Simmer for a few minutes until everything is good and hot.

Yummy!

Next time I am going to add some bacon bits.

Labels: Beer, broccoli, cheese, cooking, potato, soup, yummy

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:32 PM 3 comments

Woman, fetch my beer

She:

Want me to get your beer?

Me:

No, please, under no circumstances should you get my beer.

She:

Under no circumstances?

Me:

It's the domestic implications that disturb me. <redneck>Woman, fetch muh beer!</redneck>

She:

Ha. Well, if you ever say it like that I'm throwing your ass off the balcony. But I was going to go get my ice tea and I thought while I was up I could bring your beer.

Me:

Naw, I'll have it with dinner.

Labels: Beer, conversation, domestic, gender roles, misogyny

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:57 AM 0 comments

Fire and beer

Woman:

Hey guys, that fire is about to jump the road.

Guy:

Need help?

Woman:

Yeah. Z_ called the fire department, but we need to make sure it don't jump the road.

Guy:

Hey Jones, how's your fire fighting skills?

Me:

Never done it, but I'll come along.

When I got out of the truck I took the time to look around carefully, noting where people were and where there was smoke and flame and survey the terrain. A safety check. My friends went to consult someone they knew raking at the burning grass near the road. The consensus was that the fire would only cross the road if the wind picked up and at the moment no ones house was in danger. More importantly, did anyone bring beer? There is only the one here and it's warm.

Another pickup truck arrived with an assortment of shovels and rakes in the back. The tools were handed out but no one moved to the fire. "Good thing you brought these" someone quipped, "we didn't have anything to lean on. Did you bring any beer?"

Another pickup truck arrived. The driver leaned out the window and joked "Typical goddamn Montana fire crew. Standing in the road and bullshitting. I'm surprised you aren't drinking beer."

The next half hour went much like that. People arriving, leaning on shovels, chatting up their neighbors, occasionally glancing at the fire and complaining about the lack of beer. When the fire truck arrived and men with yellow shirts and hard hats started surveying the scene it was apparent that they had not brought beer either. The tools were returned to the pickup trucks and the gathering broke up.

She:

How long have you been in Montana?

Me:

About three years.

She:

Does it surprise you how obsessed with beer everyone is?

Me:

No. I'm not surprised. I picked up on the beer culture real quick after moving here.

Labels: Beer, conversation, culture, fire, neighbors

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:15 AM 1 comments

How to make mustard

This season I made little pots of homemade mustard as Christmas gifts for all my friends and family. It went over really well like homemade gifts usually do. I was surprised to learn how easy mustard is to make.

The recipe is super simple.

1. Grind mustard seed into a powder.
2. Mix with a liquid.

Okay, I admit, any ol' craptacular mustard follows that recipe. The good mustards will involve a little more nuance than that.

Start with the mustard seeds. I found mine at the local health food store. They come in two basic varieties, yellow seeds and brown seeds. The yellow ones have a milder flavor and the brown ones have some spicy kick to them. I found blending the two types of seeds creates some interesting flavors depending on what sort of mustard you are trying to make.

Next there is the grinding part. I tried using a mortar and pestle and found it to be a pain in the butt. An electric spice grinder is much more efficient. The mortar and pestle does have the advantage of making a better coarse grind, that can add some interesting texture into your mustard. You can also buy the stuff pre-ground as mustard flour or mustard powder. It is usually the yellow seed sold this way and the grind is much finer than anything I achieved with my little spice grinder. Helpful hint: Clean your spice grinder by blowing it out with a can of compressed air. The kind of stuff geeks use to clean dust off electronics. This is a bazillioin times easier than soap and water.

Now comes the liquid part, there is a lot of room for creativity here. The most common liquids used in mustard are water and vinegar. If you need a quick sauce for cooking up mustard glazed pork chops, just mix mustard powder with white vinegar in about a 1:1 ratio and you are all set. But if you are looking for a nicer sandwich garnish you should take a little more care. I spent a lot of time experimenting with the different types of vinegar available. White vinegar, white wine vinegar, red wine vinegar, apple cider vinegar, balsamic vinegar. Lot's of choices and each one gives a different flavor.

There are more liquids to choose from too. Use wine to make Dijon mustard, beer makes a hearty sauce, honey makes a popular sweet mustard. I even experimented with fruit juices and came up with a great apple mustard using concentrated apple juice. The possibilities are endless.

There is also some nuance to the application of your liquid. The flavor of the mustard is brought out when the liquid activates the enzymes in the mustard seed. Those enzymes are going to react in some unpredictable ways if your liquid is too acidic. Vinegar is usually about 5% acidic. What this means is that you could mix the same amount of mustard with the same amount of vinegar two different times and get two different flavors depending on how those enzymes and that acid react to each other. To get consistent flavor you should activate your mustard with a PH neutral liquid like water. I mix my mustard powder with water at about two parts powder to one part water and make a thick paste. Let this stand for about 10 minutes. After this add whatever vinegar or liquid you want for flavor until it is the desired consistency. This way your recipe will taste the same each time you make it.

Now for some more fun and creativity. Mustard powder does not have to be the only dry ingredient. Add some spices to that bad daddy. A dash of salt helps the flavor. Some garlic powder can zest it up a little. Pepper, ginger, allspice, nutmeg, basil, rosemary, cinnamon. Woo hoo, your spice rack is the gateway to some interesting and unique mustards.

The king of all mustard spices has got to be turmeric. This is the ingredient that gives the store bought hot dog mustard its bright yellow color and unique flavor. I have shared my mustards with some people that don't like mustard and I have discovered that what they usually don't like is the flavor of the turmeric. Without it the mustard is a brown color instead of yellow and the flavor is remarkably different. The mustard haters I know consistently turned up their noses at the bright yellow mustards with turmeric and raved about the brown mustards without. If there is a mustard hater in your family try turning them on to a brown mustard and see if they like it.

So if you have been playing along at home and have mixed some mustard powder with some liquid and created a sauce, the next step is to taste it. If you have done that already, please don't hate me. Pretty nasty stuff huh? Your fresh made batch of mustard is going to taste very strong and a little nasty. Don't panic. Remember those enzymes you activated? Well now they have to age. Leave your mustard sitting on the counter at room temperature for at least a week to ten days. The strong flavor will mellow and it will mature into a nice and yummy sauce. Have some faith. The longer you let it age the more the flavor will mellow. Taste it every few days to follow its progress. If you are after a mild mustard you may want to let it age for a month or more; for a hot and spicy mustard, not so much. As soon as it mellows to a flavor and spiciness you like, move it to the fridge.

Refrigeration is not necessary for most mustard. Mustard seed is naturally resistant to molds and the acidity in the vinegar helps too. But if it continues to sit at room temperature it will continue to age and mellow. To keep a mustard spicy, put it in the fridge. Many commercial mustards and some more interesting mustard recipes have ingredients like egg whites. You will want to put these in the fridge. My apple mustard kept better under refrigeration. Pay attention to the ingredients you are using, if you added fresh garlic or jalapenos or fresh spices you will probably want to move the mustard to refrigeration sooner rather than later.

One last word about utensils and containers. Avoid metal. Mustard is pretty corrosive and if you put it in a jar with a metal lid or use metal spoons or utensils when you make it, the metal can corrode and harm the flavor of the sauce. Glass, plastic and porcelain are safe bets.

And that's it. That is everything I know about mustard. I had the most fun experimenting with different ingredients. I found that it is easy to experiment with small batches, about two tablespoons of mustard powder and the same for your liquid to see if you like the recipe. If it's good, multiply the portions for your next batch, if it sucks you can flush it down the drain for no big loss.

Enjoy your mustard. I like mine with pretzels. I know that I will never blow $3.95 for a small pot of deli mustard ever again.

Montana Jones' yumtastic hot dog mustard
2 Tbsp Ground yellow mustard seed
1 tsp Ground brown mustard seed
Add 1 1/2 Tbsp water, blend to a thick paste and let sit for 10 minutes.
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp turmeric
2 Tbsp white wine vinegar

For thinner mustard add a couple drops more vinegar, let age for a week or so.

Kokanee™ Beer Mustard
1 Tbsp yellow mustard seed
1 Tbsp brown mustard seed
Briefly grind to a very coarse grind.
Drown the coarse ground mustard seed with an excess of apple cider vinegar. Let sit overnight until the seed has absorbed all the liquid it possibly can then drain any extra liquid. You will be left with a thick goop.

In a new container:
1 1/2 Tbsp fine ground yellow mustard seed
add 1 Tbsp water, blend to a thick paste and let sit for 10 minutes.
Add 1 Tbsp of the apple cider mustard goop.
Dash of salt.
1 Tbsp Kokanee™ beer.

Age for at least a week.

Sweet and Spicy Apple Mustard
2 Tbsp ground brown mustard seed
2 Tbsp ground yellow mustard seed
Dash of cinnamon
1/2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 1/2 Tbsp concentrated apple juice

Thin to the desired consistency with more concentrated apple juice. Age for two or three weeks and then refrigerate.

Labels: Beer, cooking, gift, how to, mustard, spice, vinegar

Posted by: Montana Jones / 3:55 PM 17 comments

Spilt beer

A story told thrice.

Me:

Oh shit, that was not good.

Guy:

Uh, oh. Looks like the bottom fell out.

Me:

Oh jeez, I'm sorry.

Clerk:

Don't worry about it, we will clean it up.

Lady:

I sure know how to pick out the checkout lines don't I? Will you be closing this lane?

Worker:

Yeah, just for a little bit until we can clean this up.

Me:

I'm sorry about that.

Clerk:

It's not your fault. It's usually wine bottles that fall. People put them on the end of the conveyer and it moves and there they go.

Supervisor:

Looks like you had a spill here.

Clerk:

It's Kokanee.

Supervisor:

No wonder I was drawn to it.

Clerk:

One of my favorite beers.

Worker:

Here you go. Here is another case for you.

Me:

Thanks for taking the trouble.

Worker:

It's no trouble.

Me:

I think I should buy you a beer for it.

My mind was obviously elsewhere as I lifted the case of beer from the cart to the conveyer. If I had been paying attention I may have noticed the shift in weight and the unusual jangle of glass on glass. It was the sudsy pop of the bottle hitting the floor that pulled me from my woolgathering. The case was on the conveyer where I had intended it to be, but there were loose beer bottles scattered in my shopping cart and at my feet a puddle of beer crowned ungraciously with broken glass. My shoulders slumped, my spirit dropped and I muttered "Oh shit, not good" to myself.

"Looks like the bottom fell out." The fellow ahead of me in line offered. The clerks and workers were quick to respond. Far flung glass was quickly corralled, a 'Caution, wet floor' placard was produced.

"I sure know how to pick the checkout lines, don't I?" Chimed in the lady in queue behind me. I gave her my best 'sorry about that' shrug and look of penance. She smiled and eyed the next lane over. "Will you be closing this lane?" She asked.

"Yes, for just a little bit until we can clean this."

The lady pushed her cart toward the next checkout lane. My heart sank a little more. One more person inconvenienced by my carelessness.

"Sorry about that." I offered to the clerk as my goods made it to the front of the queue.

"Don't worry about it." She replied. She appeared pretty indifferent to the whole thing. "It's usually the wine bottles that fall." She confided in me. "People put them on the end there and the belt moves and they just go over." It was nice to know that she was experienced with people breaking things in her checkout lane, but I still felt low over it. Making others do extra work. At home I would have laughed off the spilt beer, gently curse myself and fetch a mop. Here in public I didn't even know where the broom closet was. I had to let the workers do the damage control for me. Left me feeling helpless.

A supervisor making the rounds passed by and observed the mess and ensuing cleanup work. "Looks like you had a spill here." She said to the clerk.

"It's Kokanee." The clerk replied with a smile.

"No wonder I was drawn to it." The supervisor smiled back.

"That's one of my favorite beers." The clerk bantered to me. I did not feel much like chatting. I would have passed on the beer entirely just to make the awkward scene I had created go away. But someone was already running to get a replacement case and the workers were smiling and joking like it happens every day and I just paid the bill and stood there uncomfortably.

"Here you go, I got another case for you." Said a man as he gently lowered the box into my shopping cart.

"Thanks for taking the trouble." I said.

"No trouble." The man replied with a smile.

"Still, I think I should buy you a beer for it."

The man laughed as he went to help with the mopping.

If I hadn't been checking out the boobs on the cashier I might have noticed the bottom of the case of beer give way as I hoisted it out of my shopping cart. I did that to myself I suppose. I always choose my checkout lane by how cute the clerk is. The end result was an explosion of beer. "Oh shit. Not good." I mutter. Could have been worse. Only one of them hit the floor.

I paused to assess the damage and the guy in front of me in line observed "Looks like the bottom fell out." Gee, you think so? I'm thinking that the bottle climbed out of the box and jumped.

A couple workers converged on the mess and started to triage the broken glass. Sad, but that beer was a goner. Gave its life unconsumed. "Jeez, I'm sorry." I said. There is only one good way to off a beer and that was not it.

"Don't worry about it. We got it." said the clerk. Interrupting my reverie for the fallen soldier.

The lady behind me in line watched the scene a little amused. "I sure know how to pick the right line don't I?" she said. It is the fate of us all. Try as we might to pick an expedient path through life sooner or later we get stuck behind some guy breaking things. I think it was mostly bad luck. Her method for picking a line couldn't be any worse than mine. She didn't stick around, she tried the next lane over.

"I'm sorry about that" I apologized to the clerk.

"Don't worry about it." She replied. She obviously was not phased by it. It was not her beer and apparently it was not her job to go crawling around on the floor doing cleanup either. As she watched over the others doing the dirty work she confided in me. "It's usually the wine bottles that fall. People put them on the end there and the belt moves and over they go." She made the conveyer jerk to illustrate her point and we smiled together over her power to make people feel foolish and put cleaner drones to work.

Watching others clean a mess is apparently a popular pastime in the checkout aisle as a supervisor wandered past commenting "Looks like you had a spill here."

"It's Kokanee" the clerk replied with a hint of glee. As though it were a score in a contest to see who could create the widest variety of messes.

"No wonder I was drawn to it." Fawned the supervisor. We all smiled and nodded knowingly. For some of us the scent of fresh beer can be an aphrodisiac, a pheromone drawing us from miles away.

"It's one of my favorite beers." The clerk said. I had to agree. An affordable import. I never knew of it until I moved here. It is a beer that has managed to find the perfect balance between cheap and tasty.

I paid my tab and lounged against the counter a little. My habit of choosing cashiers by cuteness was paying off. While waiting on another worker to fetch a replacement case I got to admire the clerk some more and revel in the thought that this particular cutie shares my taste in beer. Careful there Jones. It is thinking like this that distracted you into spilling beer in the first place.

A guy finally arrived hefting a box. "Here you go." He said, setting it into my cart. "Here is another case for you."

"Thanks for taking the trouble." I said.

"No trouble." He replied. He was smiling like someone who just weaseled out of mop duty.

"Well, I think I should buy you a beer for it."

He laughed. Hopefully this crew was smart enough to put three or four extra bottles on the breakage inventory so they could each enjoy a cold one thanks to my mishap.

Labels: Beer, conversation, story

Posted by: Montana Jones / 4:49 PM 2 comments