Montana Jones

Montana n: A state of the northwest United States bordering on Canada. Admitted as the 41st state in 1889. The fourth largest state in the union, it includes vast prairies and numerous majestic mountain ranges.
Syn: Treasure State, Big Sky Country, Last Best Place.

Jones n: slang. An addiction or very deep craving.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005


Tagged by wulfgar

Apparently the game is to 'fess up to stuff not normally spoken of.

< Insert groans of how I don't normally do blog memes and this is so beneath me but here goes anyway because I secretly like it that someone thought to tag me.>

I confess... I pee in the shower. I believe that everyone else does too.

I confess... I have at times eaten condiment sandwiches. You know, where you take two slices of bread and whatever ketchup, mustard, sweet and sour sauce or other miscellaneous weirdness from the condiment rack of the fridge and well, okay, yeah, sometimes they turn out nasty.

I confess... speaking of food confessions, I really like hot dogs. You know, those meat tubes made from the nasty leftover meat parts. Love 'em. They are bad for me with lots of fat and cholesterol and I fear the social stigma of a grown man getting busted with a half a package of fatty kids food made from leftover meat parts in the fridge so I only allow myself to have them on special occasions.

I confess... I know the right thing to do is to recycle my aluminum, it saves the planet. But I am too lazy and I throw my pop cans in the trash. (And if you ever tell my hippy friends I will deny it!)

I confess... If I should ever run for public office (heh) I will include in my campaign talking points "Hell yeah I've smoked pot. I've done other drugs too. Want to make something of it?" Saves the trouble of answering the critics after they dig up dirt on your past and it's a lot better than some other crimes like accepting bribes or perjury.

I confess... One of the reasons I started skydiving was to impress girls and get them to sleep with me. In my eleven year skydiving career it has never worked. In fact I have never met any jumper anywhere who could impress a chick with skydiving prowess.

Okay, that's enough. This soul searching is hard work. I want to pass this on to Annie and my friend Corianin. Tag, your it!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

It's alright and it's okay

The actors have a script
  the orchestra follows their score.
The captain follows his charts and maps
  the crew they follow orders.
It's expected to go smoothly when things are done this way.
It's alright, everything's bright and the plans turn out okay.

On a chance we sail uncharted
  the characters improvise their play.
We set our minds on what we hope to find
  and hear that in the music we play.
Sailing fog and darkness, shine a light where we hope to be
  then go forth with confidence, it's alright and it's okay.

It's okay and it's alright to shine that light inside.
The actors have found no audience around
  the band has stopped playing.
I shall bite back on the sadness, fight the urge to sail away.
Take a step back, let the feelings relax
  it's alright and it's okay.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Thankful without cliché

  • I am thankful for family, work, health and home.
  • I am thankful for the days I don't wear pants.
  • I am thankful for fleece socks
  • I am thankful for screaming guitars
  • I am thankful for pirated mp3's
  • I am thankful for long hot steamy showers
  • I am thankful for leftover Halloween candy
  • I am thankful for pizza and cheeseburgers
  • I am thankful for chocolate chip cookies and double fudge brownies
  • I am thankful for porn
  • I am thankful for girls with large breasts
  • I am thankful for girls who can talk dirty
  • I am thankful for cheep beer
  • I am thankful the tequila did not make me throw up this time

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The results are in

Wulfgar has completed the inaugural Best of Montana polling. The winner is… All of us. 'Cause now we have lots of Montana linky goodness.

I had many thoughts on the results, but then again I bet everyone else does too so I won't bore you. My biggest eyebrow raiser: only 28 ballots submitted. I thought there would be more interested online Montanans than that. Should I be dissapointed with the voter turnout or is that just Montana for me?

Monday, November 21, 2005

Ex girlfriend

I went to spend a weekend with my ex. We are just friends now.

I know the intimacy is over between us but I packed my condoms anyway.

It felt good to spend time with her. We talked, we laughed, we went running together, we watched a movie (chick flick), she taught me how to make sushi, we went to a show and listened to a guitarist. It was easy spending time with her because I already know her well. I had fun.

I had to work very hard to remember that it was no longer okay to grab her for random hugs or caresses, no kisses, no hand holding. We are just friends now.

She made me a bed on an old lumpy futon mattress. I wanted to suggest sharing her bed and staying warm by snuggling but I didn't. The bed got cold and uncomfy during the night and I wanted to go share hers, but I didn't.

In the morning she crawled into bed with me to confirm my complaints of lumpy mattress. She let me snuggle her for about two minutes until she decided she needed breakfast. It was a delicious two minutes.

I spent all our time together in lust but I never once mentioned it. I never once implied anything. I never once put on pressure. I avoided sexual innuendo. The condoms never got used. We are just friends now.

I wonder if she thought the same thoughts or felt the same way?

Thursday, November 17, 2005


By now I am sure you have heard all about the Sony anti-consumer dust up.

Lets just put on the record that I am against Sony on this one. I believe that DRM is bad, suing your own customers is bad, trying to profit off the control of culture is bad. I have believed this for many years. I have been part of the boycott for many years. The last time I bought a music CD from a retailer was just after Metallica presented a list of 30,000 of their own fans to Napster with intent to do them legal harm. I thought that was pretty arrogant. Metallica could not even remember there was once a time when they did not have 30,000 fans and they thought very little of passing lawsuits on to the very people that made them into rockstars. On that occasion I went to my local music store, picked out a Metallica CD, purposefully put it back on the shelf and bought another artists disk. It was a gift for someone else. That was the last CD purchase I have ever made at a retail store.

I have purchased music since then. Each time at a live show where the band had some CD's for sale. That is why I have The Clumsy Lovers and The Drive By Truckers in my collection. The disks are much less expensive, usually only $10 bucks, and because they only cost about $3.00 each for the band to manufacture I know that the artist is getting much more money per disk than if I bought from a store. It's a musical win win. As an added bonus I get a chance to flirt with the lead singers girlfriend while buying the CD.

Being the music junkie I am Montana has pretty much cramped my style. There are a few bands around but for the most part they play classic rock or country cover songs. Gimmie a break. I need some new music in my diet. The radio stations here all play the same tired classic rock crap. I wouldn't have any new music at all if not for the internet. Anyone interested in my tirade about why I pirate music?

This is where we get back to Sony. Thanks to all the publicity of Sony's fuck up I have stumbled across some new music. I found the list of artists that Sony thinks the world should not hear. I did some illegal downloading. Van Zant, the country band that sort of started this snowball rolling is not all that good. About as cliché ridden a country artist as I could imagine. But buried down on that list I found a gem. My Morning Jacket. The best guitar rock band I have found since The Drive By Truckers. It revitalizes me. It gives me hope for music in this world. I have downloaded a whole bunch or their songs and I just can't stop listening. My fondest wish right now is that they will tour through Montana so that I can give them some of my money. Sadly I don't think they will. Montana is a cultural backwater after all. Sorry about that MMJ, I want to give you some money for this fine music I am listening to. I want to buy a ticket to a show, or buy a CD from the lead singers girlfriend. Unfortunately you got caught up in this DRM shitstorm so you won't be getting any of my money through corporate channels. I'm not about to give up my boycott, don't matter how good you are. If you ever want to make an extra ten bucks please tour through Montana. I'll fork up a little cash.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Ink on dead trees

The chamber of commerce holds these semi-annual business symposiums, teach you all about the I-9's, W-4's, W-2's, State and Federal Taxes, all that alphabet soup.
Yeah, you told me about that. I found the chamber website not long ago but they didn't mention their classes.
Well they advertise it in the paper.
I don't get a paper. It still amazes me how much Montana uses old school ink smeared on dead trees to get stuff done. It's no wonder the rest of the country thinks Montana is a backwater.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Boys and Girls

Last week was just a crap week is all.
Why? What happened?
Well there was some work bullshit early in the week, but on Thursday a bunch of crap happened. The boy I was interested in blew me off, and then you called and blew me off. I felt pretty low.
I'm sorry. That's why I'm calling actually, to apologize for that. Turns out I shouldn't have done it because the girl I was seeing blew me off.
Awww, what's up with that?
She gave me the 'let's just be friends' speech.
That's too bad.
Yeah, it was a little unexpected, but whatever. I was in a poor mood last night but I got a good nights sleep and I am much better today.
(laugh) You got over it in you sleep?
Yeah, well, not really. It's not like we were very deep into it or anything. She was just this girl I liked and wanted to spend more time getting to know. It's not like we were head over heels or had a huge amount of time invested in each other. It would be different if I had completely fallen for her or we had spent a bunch more time together or something. It still sucks to get rejected though.
Tell me about it.
So what happened with your boy?
Well, we had made plans to go out last week and that day I had sent him an Email to confirm the times and stuff and I was even in his office that afternoon and everything. He just never followed through and blew me off. He took the cowards way out and didn't acknowledge me and made other plans.
That's pretty rude.
Yeah! He did Email me later and made a bunch of excuses about how he forgot and he got distracted by the plans his friends made and stuff. But he never suggested getting together again or offer to make it up to me or anything.
That sucks. I suggest stop taking an interest in this guy.
Yeah, already done. I mean, I was trying to send the right signals without being pushy. I went out of my way. I gave him a chance. I mean really, what do I need to do? What's wrong with me? Why didn't he want to go out with me?
Well obviously you didn't use a hand scripted invitation written on fine parchment wrapped in a gold trimmed red ribbon and delivered by a troupe of dancing girls.
(Laugh) Boys just suck.
(Laugh) Yeah! I hear you.
I don't understand boys.
That's okay, I don't understand girls.
They just don't get it.
The opposite gender is clueless.
(Laugh) Clueless!
With maybe one exception. Okay, two exceptions. Alright, Three exceptions but that's it. No more exceptions.
It's good to hear you laugh.
You have always made me laugh.
That was the new girls' biggest complaint, that I didn't make her laugh.
Good grief, she doesn't know you very well.
And what's more, it was her biggest complaint but she never made me laugh. It's a two way street right? What's up with that?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Just friends

"I just want to take a step back is all. I don't want to rush anything."

There was more to it of course. There always is. In the end it is yet another variation on the 'lets just be friends' speech. She did not close the door entirely, but she did still make me feel like damaged goods.

God knows I could use more friends. Especially here. I've been in Montana going on 11 months and she is the only non-work, non-family phone number on my list. Friends are good, yes, but I am not so interested in a girl-who-is-a-friend. I have those all over the country. I have a longtime friend R_ in St. Paul that I can always count on for moral support. There is A_ in California that can always make me laugh. Wonderful S_ back at previous address with whom I have never been at a loss for conversation. Even my ex here in Montana wants to be a girl-who-is-a-friend. How many girls-who-are-friends do I have to collect before I find a girlfriend? Is wanting a blow job once in a while such a bad thing?

What I need from a friend here in Montana is someone who appreciates foods that make you fart. Someone who can help move a couch. Someone who can aim me in the right direction before I spew up that shot of tequila. Someone who can discuss the finer points of heavy girls with big boobs vs. skinny girls with a nice ass. Girls-who-are-friends, while wonderful people, are not so good at these things.

If all I am going to get out of this is a girl-who-is-a-friend then so be it. God knows I need a few friends around here. But dammit, getting a hard on every time you hug your friend is uncomfortable.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Spreading the meme

Wulfgar is looking for a best of Montana web.

I believe he has taken up an ambitious project. Please hop over there and give the answers he needs. Here are my votes, feel free to emulate me.

  1. Best Montana Political Website (Websites relating or dealing with primarily political content).
  2. Politics makes me angry. I have no favorites here. I won't even try to vote for Nader this time around.

  3. Best Lifestyle Website.
  4. There are many contenders for this one. I think I need to cast my vote for: Thoughts from the Middle of Nowhere

    1. Most Exemplifies a Montana Lifestyle.
    2. I am still coming to terms with what a "Montana Lifestyle" is but my vote shall go to: Karbon Kounty Moos

    3. Best Culture Website.
    4. Montana Radio Cafe

    5. Best Pop-Culture Website.
    6. With no hesitation... BAH WEEP GRAHNA WEEP NINNY BON

  5. Most Web Gravitas (Best Read) Website.
  6. mtpolitics

    1. Best Website For Montana News (not an online newspaper, or presentation thereof).
    2. No opinion/No vote

    3. Best Website For Montana Photos.
    4. GNP webcams.

    5. Best Website For Montana Tales and Stories.
    6. No opinion/No vote

    7. Most Informative Website About Montana And Montana Concerns.
    8. I don't know if this is the best category for Sarpy Sam, but he has made me informed about ranching and cattle issues, he is a good read, and he deserves a spot on a best of Montana list. Thoughts from the Middle of Nowhere.

  7. Most Humorous Montana Website.
  8. A Secular Franciscan Life

  9. Best Montana Media Website (specifically dedicated to providing news and information).
  10. I am going with the City Lights portion of the Billings Gazette

    1. Best Online Newspaper.
    2. Great Falls Tribune
      (Mainly because the Billings Gazette, the Whitefish Pilot, The Interlake, and The Hungry Horse News all use the same horrible web template.)

    3. Best Online Media Sponsored Website.
    4. Montana Forum

    5. Best Online Magazine.
    6. New West Network

  11. Best State Run Website.
  12. Not exactly state run, it is federal, but... Glacier National Park

    1. Most Useful State Website.
    2. No opinion/No vote

  13. Most Helpful Montana Website.
  14. Montana gas prices

  15. Most Historical Montana Website.
  16. Montana Nuggets.

  17. Best Montana Community Website. (Community Websites are those that allow multiple posters or content providers.)
  18. Cragslist

  19. Most Missed Montana Website Not Being Updated Or On Hiatus.
  20. The Monkey Cage

  21. Best Personal Montana Website (Relating to and about the individuals personal life).
  22. (Vote for me... Vote for me...) I however will not vote for myself, I am voting for the Revolving Duck.

  23. Montana Survivor; Website you'd most like to be voted off the mountains (try to be nice, here).
  24. Dirt Between Light Bulbs

  25. And Finally, The Montana Website You Would Choose To Read Everyday.
  26. (If Craig would only post everyday.)

Bonus polling, just for fun:

I: Best Montana College Football Team.

II: Best Montana Highschool Football Team.

III: Favorite NFL Football Team.

IV: Best Montana College Basketball Team.

V: Best Montana Highschool Basketball Team.

VI: Favorite NBA Basketball Team.

VII: Best Montana Sports Hero Of All Time.

VIII: Best Montana Politician of All Time.

I know nothing of sports, I will abstain from the bonus polling. I will however add an honorable mention list of categories that Wulfgar overlooked.

Blog hottie I would most like to go dancing with:
Me & You & Everyone We Know

Most amusing source of time wasting web surfing:
Half Nekkid Thursday

Best Montana Poet:

Most exemplifies a Montana Lifestyle - Urban category. (Similar to the lifestyle choice above)
Hollywood & Montana

Monday, November 07, 2005


Are you still planning on coming over later in the month?
Well, I wanted to talk to you about that.
What's up?
I told you about the new girl I am seeing, right?
Well, we are hitting it off pretty well, like it will probably turn into something. And I have this awkward feeling about going off to spend a weekend with my ex girlfriend while she and I are still getting to know each other.
That's typical.
I just don't want to create any confusion or awkward situations. You understand? We haven't established trust yet and I want to show that I am trustworthy.
Yeah, I understand. It's just typically when friendships die off, when my guy friends start seeing someone new.
I don't want to stop being friends. We should still stay in touch. It's just, well, you know, how would you feel if some guy you started dating decided to go off and spend a weekend with his ex, spending the night.
I get it. I don't want to lose a friend is all.
You haven't lost a friend. You are only loosing a weekend. I have stayed friends with past girlfriends before, there is usually some separation time though.
Maybe I can come see you for an afternoon sometime. Just no spending the night. Perhaps that is where the compromise is. Does it make me a bad person to cancel our plans?
No, you're not a bad person. I'm going to have to take some time to digest this. You know. I'll probably write you an Email or something.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Dear Quicktime

Could you please fix your software. Thank you.

I like your quicktime format for video on the web. It is good quality and the player is easy to use. That is much more than I can say about Microsoft media or (shudder) Real player. I refuse to allow Real on my computer in any form or fashion. They brought this on themselves when they became pushy advertisers instead of streaming technologists. I hear they are rebounding away from pushy, but I wouldn't know that from experience. I don't ever again want to deal with their (buffering… buffering…) lack of respect for my computer. Microsoft scares the bejeezus out of me for security reasons. I have a fear of video in .wmv format because it could contain code that does stuff other than show pretty moving pictures. I am pretty sure .wmv files have the power to start running other programs. It often tries to launch browser windows without my consent and I have not figured out how to stop that. It's my computer and I have the right to say 'pretty moving pictures good, new browser windows bad.' I am really big on that see, I want my computers to do what I tell them to and not so much what the great corporate man out in the cloud says. So when I command my computer to download and play a video I think that involves showing me pretty moving pictures and nothing else. No opening up web links. No running other programs. No querying the mothership. Just moving pictures.

So this brings us to you dear Quicktime. You are the only high quality and reasonably well behaved video player I know of. But you are not always well behaved. It's like this. I don't have all the little bits and pieces of your player installed. I have purposely avoided installing a little thingy called 'Quick Time Streaming Authoring'. I have avoided it because I don't need it. I fear it will make my player do things other than show me nice moving pictures. Not having it has certainly never thwarted me from watching pretty moving pictures anyway. But from time to time I am browsing around and a little box will pop up telling me how much I Neeeeeed this thingy. At which point I click cancel and the pretty moving pictures play on just fine without it.

Except when your software misbehaves. Sometimes I am browsing around and I have a couple browser windows open and a whole bunch of fun things on a slew of tabs. I'm a power surfer like that and I prefer to surf other pages while the large files of video come down the pipe. And so I have a whole bunch of fine things opened up on my screen and everything grinds to a halt. Browser locks up, nothing works. The problem is that the damn "you really really Neeeeed to install our useless thingy" box has just spawned, it is patiently waiting for me to click cancel, it has held up all the other browser pages and things I was doing, and it is buried where I can't reach it deep under all those windows and tabs. I can't click anything to make it come to the top. I can't alt-tab to it. It is not in the taskbar, the file manager, anywhere. All I can do is destroy all my open browser windows, my invested effort in web surfing, ctrl-alt-del and kill the firefox process. That kills off your nag and pisses me off because I just lost my place on the net and everything I was doing with a browser because your software thought it Neeeeded something that I know I don't want it to have.

So fix your software please.

Now the sublimely annoying thing about your nag window that crashes me is a nice checkbox there that says "Don't remind me again today" which is nice except I don't want it to remind me again tomorrow either. The day after that is equally bad. Don't even think about an appointment for next Tuesday. If a 'not today' checkbox is possible I can't figure out why a 'not ever' checkbox is so hard. Unless you quicktime people are maliciously trying to make my computer do things I don't want it doing and you are constantly throwing this box at me in a test of wills to see if I will ever break down and put your evildoing software on my hard drive. Hey, keep right on trying buddy. I have deleted more expensive software than yours. I am not bothered by the idea of never watching a pretty moving picture on the web again. Heck, I have a funny shaped black box over there in the corner called teevee. All it ever did was show me moving pictures. Awhile ago it annoyed me enough that I stopped watching it and now I can't remember why I ever bothered spending so much time with it in the first place.

I am blessed tired of software that thinks it is more than it is. I like simple separate tools. I like an mp3 player that plays mp3's and nothing else. I like a image viewer that views images and does nothing else. Email clients should not be bundled with calendars. Checkbook balancing programs should never browse the web. That is how I roll in this internet world. Small simple tools. I don't use a lot of popular programs because they annoy me more than they serve me. (Flash players, text messengers, Windows Media players). I still like watching the pretty moving pictures on the web, but it is getting harder and harder to do that with small, simple, non-annoying tools. So please, may I have a Quicktime player that does not come bundled with I-tunes. Does not Neeeeed to open up new browser windows. Does not pop up and ask me to download stuff I don't need. Does not lock up my web browser when it thinks I am not giving it enough attention. You are my last hope for this.

Montana Jones

Friday, November 04, 2005

Umm friends

Thank you for a lovely evening.
Your welcome. And thank you for being my girlfriend. Or are we still just um friends?
Did you say um friends? What's that?
That's the phase when you go out and you meet people and you make introductions saying things like: "I'd like you to meet my, umm, friend…."
That's cute. We are probably still um friends. But I like the sound of the other.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Friendly Montana

I think Montana is good for my skydiving career.
How so?
Well, the people here are much more friendly and inviting. Back at previous address there was a really nice dropzone with big fast airplanes and nice facilities but I always felt left out when I went there. Even after jumping there for years no one knew my name, no one would invite me on jumps or encourage me or take an interest in what I was doing. It was very cliquey, hard to meet people. Here people were calling me by name after my first visit and inviting me on jumps.
That's one of the things that I like about living here. People are generally friendlier and more inviting than other places I have lived. It's been true of lots of the things I have done here.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Moral compass

When you learn something deeply personal about someone. Learn that it will affect the time you spend together and the way you interact. Do you stop spending time because the relationship just became more challenging?

For me that depends on character. There are certainly people in this world that are not worth spending energy on. The selfish, the shallow, the stupid, the greedy, the (emotionally) needy.

What if the person is new to your life and the challenge includes getting to know them along with building a history with them. Do you take up the challenge?

There are lots of people in this world. Not quite so many in Montana but still lots of people. I am confident I would find others if I were to discard this one.

My moral compass tells me that the right thing to do is to take up the challenge. To suddenly turn and run when someone opens up is cowardly and insensitive. However I also believe in looking out for number one. I don't like the idea of entangling myself with someone else's problems. Especially when the 'what's in it for me' factor has not been fully weighed. Leaving would make me an asshole. I've been an asshole before; it's actually quite comfortable, especially when looking out for number one.

In the end I am going to follow the moral compass. It's the only decent tool I have for charting a course. I'll figure out what's in it for me as I go along. Most people have something good to offer. I'll be cautious though. This is not a relationship to throw myself at recklessly. Like they say about skydiving and motorcycles: dress for the crash not the cruise.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

On Halloween

On Halloween I had a huge box of candy leftover from my summer work, the big candy bars not the little bite sized ones. The only trick-or-treaters at my door were three older boys. I let them come back for seconds.

On Halloween I made my first car payment.

On Halloween I learned that when grownups trick-or-treat at the county health office you get condoms in the goody bag.

On Halloween I scored 'negative' on an HIV test.

On Halloween I saw four strap on sex toys, one guy in drag hitching up his pantyhose, twelve girls that would never dress like that at any other day of the year, one jazz techno band, one classic rock band, and angels and princesses were the most popular costume.

On Halloween I stayed out too late but I didn't drink too much.

There was more on Halloween but a gentleman doesn't tell.