Montana Jones

Montana n: A state of the northwest United States bordering on Canada. Admitted as the 41st state in 1889. The fourth largest state in the union, it includes vast prairies and numerous majestic mountain ranges.
Syn: Treasure State, Big Sky Country, Last Best Place.

Jones n: slang. An addiction or very deep craving.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

New Shoes

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Saturday, January 27, 2007

Their loss

BP:
I'm not going to use that Missoula company anymore.
Me:
The one that screwed up last year?
BP:
Yeah. They never shipped the right orders at all last year. And they didn't cash one of our checks.
Me:
Really?
BP:
Having seen the place I can believe it. They have no clue what is going or coming, incredibly disorganized. I have a check out to them for $350 that hasn't cleared the bank.
Me:
Their loss.
BP:
Oh totally. And now I know I can't rely on them for supply. I might make one stop there in the spring and pick up a bunch of products off the shelf but I will never try to get a delivery from them again. I can get products somewhere else.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Comet

Me:
Did you get any good views of the comet out your window here?
Dad:
No, we kept forgetting to look. Mom caught a glimpse of it one time.
Me:
I had the same problem. I would forget to go look. And the times I remembered to look I couldn't see it anyway. I don't believe what they said about it being bright enough to see in the daytime.
Dad:
You had to look at the right time of day.
Me:
So that was my problem. I never understood where to look either.
Dad:
High noon I think. It was just west of the sun.
Me:
To late now. Most spectacular comet of our lifetimes and I missed it.
Dad:
Most spectacular so far.
Me:
Every hundred years counts as a lifetime to me.
Dad:
Well, yeah.
Me:
I did make a point to go out right at sunset on day. I wandered around the neighborhood trying to find a good view of the horizon. At the spot I found this lady came out of her house to ask what I was doing. I told her I was just sightseeing. I don't think she bought it but how do you explain that you are wandering around her yard looking for a comet?

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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Something about old dogs and new tricks

OD:
I'm not sure about that bank merger. We'll have to see how they handle their accounts.
Me:
The teller lady today told me that account numbers and things will stay the same, only the name will change. We just use up our existing checks and when we get new ones they will have a new name on them.
OD:
They sent me a new credit card too, but I don't think I can activate it. They are going to make me go to an ATM.
Me:
Last time I got a new card I just called an 800 number to activate it.
OD:
Well the instructions say I have to go to an ATM. Here, right here it says that. They have this 800 number for questions but it doesn't say you can activate with that.
Me:
Well, go to an ATM.
OD:
I have issues with ATM's. I don't use them; they cost too much. I shouldn't have to pay to use my own money. I don't even know my pin number. Don't have one. Something that does not exist can't be stolen.
Me:
Just try the 800 number. I bet it will work.
OD:
And if they try to tell me I have to use an ATM I will just go to another bank. I'm the one loaning them money. If they don't do things the way I like, I will go find another bank and loan my money to them instead. Ain't no one can force me to use an ATM if I don't want to.

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Birthdays don't stop

Mom:
And dad has a birthday coming up in a couple weeks too.
Me:
Oh yeah, that's right.
Mom:
It's his 68th.
Dad:
There won't be a party.
Me:
No worries. I'll do the partying for you.
Mom:
Right on.
Me:
Wait a minute. Did you say 68?
Dad:
Yeah. Want to make something of it?
Me:
What are you doing in your sixties? Weren't you guys just in your fifties the other year?
Mom:
Yeah. 18 years ago.
Me:
Sheesh. I can't keep up.

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Monday, January 22, 2007

Tell it like it is Sarpy

Ever since the Missoulian posted their uninformed editorials about how higher wages are the magic bullet solution to employment problems, immigration, free trade and whatever else ails you, I have been hot under the collar about this issue.

Sarpy Sam calls it like it is with an excellent write-up and analysis of some current legislation being worked on. Bottom line, it's anti business and bad for Montana.

Kudos also to the Montana Main Street Blog.
More Ways to Sue Employers
Legislative Attacks on Business

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Print style sheet detail

Nerd Alert. This post is for geeks only.

When assigning a print style to your web pages (You do tweek your style sheets for printing, right?) be advised of an undocumented issue.

The "page-break-before" and "page-break-after" style elements will not work when applied to the <br /> or <hr /> tags. I have tested this in FF2 and IE7; mileage may vary on other platforms.

The workaround/cludge I ended up using looks like this:

<div style="page-break-after:always;"><hr /></div>

Yes, I know. Inelegant and ugly but I blame the browser makers.

I hope this helps to prevent someone else going through the hours of hair pulling I had to deal with.

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Monday, January 15, 2007

Friends

Me:
I think that's a difference between you and me. I don't need to stay constantly in touch with my friends. If there is nothing going on, there is no reason to call. I only talk with my friends back at previous address once in a while. I have had friends that I have gone years without talking to and then been able to pick up our friendship where we left off.
She:
That's strange to me. If I go more that a week without hearing from B_ I start worrying that he's dead.

...

Me:
You know what's interesting to me, if I can go on a tangent here, is how long it has taken us to find things in common. I mean we have had some common interests all along, but it has only been recently that we have been finding ways to do things together comfortably.
She:
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's like early on we were on our best behavior and afraid to offend each other.

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Sunday, January 14, 2007

My current pet peeves about serving the public

If you don't know what you want, I don't know how to help you. I do enjoy talking to people on the phone, I am a fountain of information and I enjoy sharing it. But I get peeved if you want me to make your decisions for you.

I operate multiple hotels. Saying "I'm staying at your place" or "I want to stay at your place" leaves me pretty clueless about how to help you.

Be specific. Asking for a reservation "sometime in August" is bad. Asking for a reservation "on the first available Thursday in August" is better. Asking for a reservation "on August 8" is best. Every time I try to do something for you with vague instructions you call me up and make changes because I didn't get it right. This is your fault for not telling me what you wanted.

Likewise I cannot plan your vacation itinerary for you. Hire a travel agent or personal assistant. I'm just some guy on the phone and the only thing stopping me from misguiding you for my own entertainment is that I might want to make more money off you next year. And just so you know, the more difficult and time consuming you are the less your money is worth.

No, I cannot give you any good advice on getting from place to place. I am somewhat knowledgeable about how to reach me from various starting points but I am pretty useless when it comes to navigating around Montana in general. If you tell me you want to go from Yellowstone to Glacier through Miles City I am going to nod, smile and tell you that is a great route.

That said, no I don't think Calgary, Boise, or Salt Lake are the best airports to fly into. All the major cities in Montana have airports. We also have television, internet and paved roads.

I don't care about your vacation plans, how long you are staying, why you are coming, who you are visiting or what route you are taking. I'm glad you are excited to visit Montana and these are fine anecdotes to chat about casually but they are useless and annoying interruptions when it comes to getting our business done.

If you want to discuss an existing reservation, one of the first words out of you mouth ought to be the reservation number. That is the best way to tell me who you are. The second best way is to tell me your name. I get peeved when you call and ramble on about whatever problem needs solved. What happens next is I ask for your reservation number and then I make you repeat yourself because the ramble made no sense without the details. Thanks for wasting our time.

Your arrival date, while important, is pretty much useless for looking up your reservation. Don't bother telling me, writing it on your check, in your Emails or other correspondence. Your reservation number or your name is much more useful.

I understand that your friend has invited you to stay as part of her reservation. But it is her reservation and not yours. I cannot make changes to it without her permission. It's her contact info, her credit card and her responsibility. You are just some random person on the phone to me. I need to hear it from the reservation holder if you want to add eight more people.

That said, I am still happy to take your money. But if you change your mind the refund is going to the reservation holder. That is just the way it works.

If you don't like that, you may make your own reservation and become the responsible person. No I will not make your reservation for your friends room. When you make your own reservation you get your own room. That is just the way it works. If you want to share a room with your friend perhaps you should communicate with them and work out which of you will be responsible for talking to me.

When one person in the party drops out, calling me and telling me to cancel a reservation is a bad idea. I am likely to do as asked and cancel the reservation. This means everything gets chucked in the trash and everyone in the group is out in the cold. It would be better if you ask to change a reservation. This really is just a semantic thing but like all businesses mine uses some specific language to mean specific things. Cancel a reservation means 'remove and destroy the entire reservation' which is a little different from 'change the party size'. I have a big red button on my screen that has the word CANCEL in all caps. When I hear the word I start to aim for the button and once it is pressed it can't be un-pressed.

If you want to move your reservation to a different date, please don't call and make a new reservation and then as an afterthought mention you don't need the previous reservation any more. That is twice as much work for both of us. Changing an existing reservation is much easier.

No one owes you anything. I am more helpful to cheerful and fun people than I am with demanding or angry people. And in both cases "no vacancy" means there is no vacancy.

And what is up will all lower case Emails? Even your name! Is the shift key that hard to master? Is all lower case the new black and uber stylish or something? Like using dots instead of dashes in a phone number? But to lower case your name? I'm sorry, but Jones is a much more dignified name than jones. If you are too lazy to use the shift key on your own name it makes you look bad.

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

House Plant

Mom:
I had to take a closer look at that plant. I thought it might be something you are not supposed to have.
Me:
Oh.
Mom:
So what kind of plant is it?
Me:
It's something I'm not supposed to have.
Mom:
Oh really? I thought those were supposed to have five leaves.
Dad:
It does. This top one has five. Those lower ones only have three.
Mom:
Why do you have it?
Me:
It's green, it's winter. Everyone needs a plant.
Mom:
So what are you going to do with it?
Me:
When it gets big enough I am going to chop it down and smoke it. What should I do with it?
Mom:
Oh, I don't know. Put it in your brownies.
Me:
I like the way you think.
Mom:
Where did you get it?
Me:
From little seeds. I stuck 'em in dirt and up popped a plant.
Mom:
Where did you get the seeds?
Dad:
You shouldn't leave it in the window like that. It could make some people uptight.
Me:
Yeah, when it gets big enough to see from outside I will do something with it. Most people are not too uptight about what sort of houseplants you keep.
Dad:
Well, the war on drugs makes criminals out of harmless things. So be careful.
Me:
I hear you.
Dad:
This war on drugs is just wasting money on putting people in jail when they should be getting medical treatment. And the medical treatment could get paid for if they just tax and regulate marijuana rather than criminalize it.
Me:
Preaching to the choir here dad. Treating alcoholism like a disease has been way more effective than prohibition. Except that tax revenue and regulation are not the best reasons to legalize. Good reasons, but not the best reason for it.
Dad:
Oh?
Me:
Liberty and freedom. If this were a free country a harmless house plant wouldn't be a crime.

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

The best Christmas gift I got this year

The best Christmas gift I got this year could have been the timely backup that was used to rebuild a crashed computer and recover everything important to my business. (In the new year I resolve to be obsessive and compulsive about backing up my data.)

The best Christmas gift I got this year could have been The Commitments DVD that someone nice remembered me mentioning.

The best Christmas gift I got this year could have been the nice selection of new computer games.

The best Christmas gift I got this year could have been the quilt from mom.

The best Christmas gift I got this year could have been the CD that turned up by surprise. A recording made by my staff last summer. They sang into some portable tape deck and it is scratchy and noisy and it takes me back to listening to those kids singing in the kitchen. An instant prized possession.

The best Christmas gift I got this year could have been the bag of weed that was indulged to excess.

The best Christmas gift I got this year could have been the visit by my buddy from back at previous address.

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Catching up

F_:
So I saw H_ not so long ago.
Me:
And how is H_?
F_:
He's gotten big dude. He has big ol' jowls now.
Me:
Yeah, well, yeah, well...
F_:
Anyway I think me and him are gonna go fishing together this summer. Now that I have that popup camper and all.
Me:
Cool, tell him I say hi.
F_:
And have you heard about D_?
Me:
No.
F_:
Well apparently he got married and the girl has his kid.
Me:
Hmmm. One of those things surprises me and the other does not.
F_:
He thinks it's his kid anyway. I guess it was born before the wedding.
Me:
And D_ still married her?
F_:
I guess the girl has a chance to go off to Boston. Some big career opportunity thing. But D_ doesn't want to go. So she may just take the kid and leave him.
Me:
So let me get this straight. D_'s baby mommy, that he married...
F_:
Supposedly.
Me:
...has a chance to move up in the world and improve on life, and D_ doesn't want to join her, not even for the kid that he got hitched over.
F_:
Yeah. That's about it.
Me:
Dude, whatever history I have with D_, I wrote him off long ago. He is not good people. He is not worth spending time with.
F_:
Oh, totally. I still hear from him about once every year or two. Usually when he is drunk and broke and needing something.
Me:
And his kid is going to grow up just like him. We know this because he grew up just like his father.
F_:
Not if she ditches his ass and goes to Boston.
Me:
You know, the interesting thing here is not D_ or the kid, but the mother. What sort of person would consent to marry him? Or admit to spawning his offspring? That is one human being I would be curious to meet.

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