Montana Jones

Representing the west

Dad:

It's that whole attitude of thinking people need to be told what to do.

Me:

Now that's an east coast idea if I ever heard one. Wouldn't fly in Montana. The western myth is too strong here. People move here for the independence and freedom. You don't find many people in western states that tolerate being told what to do. You know, that is probably what is wrong with the country right now. When is the last time we had a president from a western state?

Dad:

Bush is from Texas.

Me:

That may be his address, but he does not embody the western myth. Both of the Bushes got their money and their status from the east coast.

Dad:

Reagan was from California.

Me:

Does California count as western?

Dad:

I'm not sure it does. At least it doesn't fit very well with the western myth that we have been talking about.

Me:

Carter was from the south. Where did Ford come from?

Dad:

Midwest. Illinois or Michigan. One of those.

Me:

And what about Nixon?

Dad:

California.

Me:

Makes sense. Have we ever had a president from a western state?

Dad:

Well, LBJ was another Texican.

Me:

Kennedy was east coast.

Dad:

I think Truman and Roosevelt were midwest. You may have to go all the way back to Teddy Roosevelt to find a president that embodied the western myth.

Me:

Yeah, he lived up to it. I think that is the root of all the troubles this country is having. Belief in personal independence and strength and freedom are missing from our government. I think the world would be a better place if a Montanan were to become president.

Dad:

Schweitzer might decide to run someday.

Me:

Hmmm. Well, a western president would still be an improvement.

Labels: conversation, dad, history, politics, president, western myth

Road trip summary

Hours spent in the vehicle: 63

Average speed: 61.5 MPH

Total miles: 5349

Nights spent in hotel rooms: 13

Longest day: 640 miles. West Montana to East Montana.

Hours spent in a ninth grade classroom: ¾.

Old friends I got to meet for lunch: 1

Most state lines crossed in one day: 6. (Virginia, Maryland, West Virginia, Pensylvania, West Virginia, Ohio.)

Best truck stop breakfast: Cafe on exit 307 of interstate 94 through North Dakota.

Most humbling moment: Nephew kicking my ass seven times in a row at Star Wars Battlefront on the Xbox.

Coolest thing I saw: The Wright brothers airplane.

Most interesting social encounter: Flirting with the girl at the bar in Ohio.

Best beer: Moose Drool, waiting right here for me in good ol' Montana just as soon as I got back in the state.

Flattest most boring landscape: Illinois.

Best mountains (east of the Mississippi): West Virginia.

Best mountains (west of the Mississippi): Montana!

Bumpiest roads: North Dakota.

Best home cooked meal: The M_'s farm in Ohio. Fresh milk from the cow, homemade butter, a pot roast that melts in your mouth and a slice of homegrown tomato so thick and meaty I had to cut it with a knife.

Worst city traffic: Washington D.C. (Honorable mention: Minneapolis.)

Best city traffic: Fargo.

Cutest waitresses: North Dakota.

Dad's best one liner: "If the toilet paper was any thinner it would only have one side."

Labels: best of, dad, hotel, miles, miscellaneous, nephew, road trip, states, summary, vacation, vehicle, Washington D.C.

Petting zoo

The tent was striped red and white and the dirty banner read "Free Admission". We wandered over to see what was going on. There were llamas, goats, ponies, a large tiger, striped orange and black, a monkey, some lemurs and a trio of lion cubs. Outside the tent was a camel and another tent was hung with a sign "See the exotic black panther, $1.00". We browsed the cages and pens. The cats were beautiful but restless. The monkey looked as bored as a ninth grader in math class. There were signs directing us to get a photo taken with a lion cub for $3.00. Pony rides for $1.00. You could buy animal feed for $2.00. A sad looking string of dolls and Tasmanian Devils and Incredible Hulks jostled each other in the breeze, waiting for the enthusiasm to be sold. After inspecting each of the cages Dad and I looked at each other with a shrug and left.

Dad:

What are the ethics of that?

Me:

I'm not sure what is going on, but it felt sketchy to me.

Dad:

The fellow said they will be here for some festival later in the month.

Me:

That makes sense. I didn't see enough income there to cover the cost of feeding and transporting those animals.

Dad:

They probably make more money at fairs and so on. I asked the guy about moving them in the trucks and he said that they stop every few hours to check on the animals and make sure there is plenty of food and water. But those trucks are pretty small and the cages are pretty small. They don't get much chance to get out and move. Some of those animals are more accustomed to wide open spaces.

Me:

There is a part of me that wants to give them the benefit of the doubt. The sign said they come from an exotic animal preserve in Florida and perhaps that is true. This could be a side branch to that business. But if all these animals do is go from county fair to county fair, well, they are not living much of a life.

Dad:

That parking lot is a pretty hard surface to live on too.

Me:

Yeah, I thought about that. The straw they have down won't be much comfort.

Dad:

Not much comfort at all.

Me:

Yup, the whole thing felt pretty shady.

Labels: animal, cage, conversation, dad, ethics, petting zoo

Montana has a charm

She:

You know, I have always been fascinated with Montana. I have always loved saying the word Montana, even before I knew anything about it. And back in school when we had to do reports on the states I always picked Montana to do my report on. But I never went out there until after my sister moved there.

He:

The only thing about Montana, unlike here, is well, here everything you could want culturally is within an hour away. Doesn't work that way out there.

Me:

You know, I agree with you. That would be my only complaint with Montana. Culture and variety are harder to come by.

Dad:

I don't know about that. Everything I need is just down the road in Missoula. Less than an hour away.

Me:

Sure, but can you go see a broadway show on any given weekend?

Dad:

Well, no. You have me there.

Me:

But Montana does have a charm.

She:

Oh so true. Montana most definatly has a charm. I always want to keep going back there.

Labels: charm, conversation, culture, dad, Montana

Road trip with dad. Day 4.

Sitting in the car all day is making me uncomfortably horny. And traveling with dad I have had no privacy to masturbate. I am spending my days suffering from uncomfortable hardons. I have got to take my mind off this somehow. Gaze at the scenery and the undulating, curvy hills. No. Look at those grain silos standing erect along the horizon. No. Check out that oil derrick pumping and thrusting rhythmically. Arrrrgh. No. This is going to be a long trip.

Labels: dad, horny, road trip, sex

Decision

Me:

Hey dad, I've made my decision.

Dad:

Good. What did you decide?

Me:

I'm not going to do it, I am backing out of the deal. I haven't found financing I am comfortable with.

Dad:

Well, good. I'm sure you will feel better now that you have a decision.

Me:

Yeah, I think so too.

Dad:

No matter which decision you made you would have felt better for it.

Me:

Yeah, probably true. I pushed some numbers around for a while and really didn't like what I saw. Then I flipped a coin. I had to flip it six times.

Labels: coin toss, conversation, dad, decision, financing, real estate

Contingencies

Me:

Part of me thinks that it is just the realtors blowing smoke to keep pressure on me, but it is enough of a sellers market that I can't take the chance. Perhaps I did get lucky being first in line with a bid for this place.

Dad:

And if it is the renters with the other offer, well, that's their problem.

Me:

Yeah, I don't feel sorry for them. They took the chance on renting a place that is up for sale and they had the opportunity to make an offer long before I did.

Dad:

Just make sure they don't leave it in a crappy condition.

Me:

Oh yeah, that's in the contingencies.

Labels: contingencies, conversation, dad, offer, real estate, renters

Buying and selling

Me:

Well, the radon test results are now a moot point. My financing has been shot down.

Dad:

Uh-oh.

Me:

Yeah, I'm pretty bitter about that. I have some options, but I am angry right now so I'm not gonna make any decisions until I've cooled off.

Dad:

So what did R have to say about it?

Me:

Not much. She did give me the name for a different mortgage guy but she was thought the problems I have with the bank I will have everywhere.

Dad:

What about a down payment? You can probably change the numbers in your favor with a larger down payment.

Me:

The few thousand dollars I have to throw at it won't make enough of a difference. To get the bankers to pay attention I will need about 10 to 20 percent of the asking price.

Dad:

You should try to find out what the minimum down payment you need is. The bank of mom might be able to help.

Me:

Hmmm Okay, I will look into that.

Dad:

Does the bank have any other options?

Me:

Yeah, but not good ones. They have a higher interest rate that I can't afford. Funny how my income is too high for the affordable housing people, to low for the board of housing people, and the first thing the bank can suggest is a bigger cut for themselves and a higher payment I can't afford.

Dad:

Welcome to being in the middle.

Me:

I would never have gotten into this process if it wasn't for the bank giving me a good faith estimate that I could afford this thing. Two of them even. Now it feels like a bait and switch. The banks good faith estimates are loosing credibility with me. Did I mention I am pretty angry about this?

Labels: angry, bait and switch, bank, buy, conversation, dad, financing, money, real estate

Do not leave candle burning unattended

A little lake of wax had congealed a selection of pens, old receipts and posty notes together. I muttered "Oh Shit" to myself, but the time to do anything about it was long past. My eyes traced the path of drippings from the mass of desktop clutter, up the side of the power strip, dangling stalactites from the desk hutch, puddles molded around the modems feet and a greasy crust covering it's surface. Green LED lights still blinking their connective cheer. Embedded into the plastic top of the modem was a warning label, "Do not leave candle burning unattended", the words slightly obscured by a burn mark scorching a line through the wax, pointing toward a melted hole. The charred rift in the cover of the electronics revealed the spidery little microchips inside, apparently undisturbed.

All the worst case scenarios then flooded my mind. The modem could have caught fire while I was sleeping, taking with it the desk hutch, books, monitor, clutter of papers and eventually the entire apartment. The fact that it didn't happen that way was some consolation. But it could have been much worse. The smoke detector has had the battery removed for some time now. It has a habit of sounding the alarm every time I use the kitchen. Every one of the two dozen fire extinguishers I own was at the office, miles away. Note to self; store some of those extinguishers around here in the off season.

As I chiseled away at the waxy blobs on my desk I flashed back to a conversation with dad not so long ago. "Your mom is getting more like grandma was," he said. "More forgetful." I pictured grandma in my mind, the white haired bundle of energy always flitting from thing to thing, from one idea to the next. Never settling for long, rarely concluding a task. It was a family trait, I could see it in mom and I could see some of it in myself too.

"Uh, huh." I said, not sure if I liked where dad was going with this.

"The other day she went out for her walk after putting the kettle on high. If I hadn't come downstairs when I did it could have been much worse."

I pictured a kettle of water on a hot stove. I'm sure the water would boil away sooner or later but I didn't think it would catch fire any too quickly. Mom would have been back in a half hour, caught it, cursed herself and moved on. I didn't want to push the issue with dad, he was convinced of the imminent doom.

"She still has it together enough, but we use our cell phones a lot. We check in any time we go some place, like when I leave the shop or something. I have to remind her of things she forgets at the store. I am still okay with her driving, I am okay with her going into Missoula, but she is getting older."

"You know that she watches out for you too, right?"

"Yeah, I do. I'm just saying."

It would be pointless to try to explain how we are all a little like grandma. Dad had his "I'm right and the world ain't" ax to grind. Pointing out his own foibles would just make him think I was missing the point and not worrying about mom enough.

Yeah dad, I do worry about mom. And I worry about you too. But you guys are doing just fine leaning on each other. Mostly I am worried about me. Especially since I nearly burnt my place down from my own absentmindedness.

Labels: absentminded, accident, candle, dad, fire, mom, prose, wax

Comet

Me:

Did you get any good views of the comet out your window here?

Dad:

No, we kept forgetting to look. Mom caught a glimpse of it one time.

Me:

I had the same problem. I would forget to go look. And the times I remembered to look I couldn't see it anyway. I don't believe what they said about it being bright enough to see in the daytime.

Dad:

You had to look at the right time of day.

Me:

So that was my problem. I never understood where to look either.

Dad:

High noon I think. It was just west of the sun.

Me:

To late now. Most spectacular comet of our lifetimes and I missed it.

Dad:

Most spectacular so far.

Me:

Every hundred years counts as a lifetime to me.

Dad:

Well, yeah.

Me:

I did make a point to go out right at sunset on day. I wandered around the neighborhood trying to find a good view of the horizon. At the spot I found this lady came out of her house to ask what I was doing. I told her I was just sightseeing. I don't think she bought it but how do you explain that you are wandering around her yard looking for a comet?

Labels: astronomy, comet, conversation, dad

Birthdays don't stop

Mom:

And dad has a birthday coming up in a couple weeks too.

Me:

Oh yeah, that's right.

Mom:

It's his 68th.

Dad:

There won't be a party.

Me:

No worries. I'll do the partying for you.

Mom:

Right on.

Me:

Wait a minute. Did you say 68?

Dad:

Yeah. Want to make something of it?

Me:

What are you doing in your sixties? Weren't you guys just in your fifties the other year?

Mom:

Yeah. 18 years ago.

Me:

Sheesh. I can't keep up.

Labels: age, birthday, conversation, dad, mom

House Plant

Mom:

I had to take a closer look at that plant. I thought it might be something you are not supposed to have.

Me:

Oh.

Mom:

So what kind of plant is it?

Me:

It's something I'm not supposed to have.

Mom:

Oh really? I thought those were supposed to have five leaves.

Dad:

It does. This top one has five. Those lower ones only have three.

Mom:

Why do you have it?

Me:

It's green, it's winter. Everyone needs a plant.

Mom:

So what are you going to do with it?

Me:

When it gets big enough I am going to chop it down and smoke it. What should I do with it?

Mom:

Oh, I don't know. Put it in your brownies.

Me:

I like the way you think.

Mom:

Where did you get it?

Me:

From little seeds. I stuck 'em in dirt and up popped a plant.

Mom:

Where did you get the seeds?

Dad:

You shouldn't leave it in the window like that. It could make some people uptight.

Me:

Yeah, when it gets big enough to see from outside I will do something with it. Most people are not too uptight about what sort of houseplants you keep.

Dad:

Well, the war on drugs makes criminals out of harmless things. So be careful.

Me:

I hear you.

Dad:

This war on drugs is just wasting money on putting people in jail when they should be getting medical treatment. And the medical treatment could get paid for if they just tax and regulate marijuana rather than criminalize it.

Me:

Preaching to the choir here dad. Treating alcoholism like a disease has been way more effective than prohibition. Except that tax revenue and regulation are not the best reasons to legalize. Good reasons, but not the best reason for it.

Dad:

Oh?

Me:

Liberty and freedom. If this were a free country a harmless house plant wouldn't be a crime.

Labels: conversation, criminal, dad, drugs, house plant, mom, opinion, prohibition, war on drugs