Montana Jones

Montana n: A state of the northwest United States bordering on Canada. Admitted as the 41st state in 1889. The fourth largest state in the union, it includes vast prairies and numerous majestic mountain ranges.
Syn: Treasure State, Big Sky Country, Last Best Place.

Jones n: slang. An addiction or very deep craving.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Thank You

Dear _her and _he,

This is a thank you note for the super spiffy Christmas gift. I apologize for procrastinating my gratitude like some nine-year-old that can't quite figure out the importance of thanking Aunt Edna for the gawdaful sweater. But I have a good excuse. I have been too busy enjoying my new shoes.

As _R will attest, I am fiercely picky about my footwear. When I opened the box I gave the shoes a long sideways glance of skepticism. But in the spirit of optimism and gifts gladly given I tried them on. It was a delight to discover that your choice in footgear completely and totally rocks! They are comfy, convenient, and fit like I have been wearing them my whole life.

Mere moments ago I slipped them on to traverse the snowy driveway and deliver a bag of trash to its receptacle. Without your gift that would have been a five minute ordeal of finding and lacing up some other kicks. But that's not all… I have also used these shoes to trample paths through the snow for little old ladies trying to navigate their walkers in the cold harsh outdoors. I have used these shoes as a template for a new line of fashion accessories I am designing. I have used these shoes to chock the tires of a runaway school bus, saving the lives of dozens of children. I have used these shoes as a counterweight in an extensive series of scientific experiments that chart the origin of black holes. (Turns out they have the perfect mass for offsetting the antimatter created by the Large Hadron Collider. Who knew?) I have used these shoes to trample the evil intentions of third world dictators while on secret assignment with the CIA. They even look stylish when I am on stage performing sold out shows with my rock band.

So I apologize for being a little late with the thank you note. I certainly don't want you to think the gift is unappreciated. I think the shoes are fantastic and I know I will be wearing them for years to come. I also think the two of you are fantastic for thinking of me this past Christmas. Aunt Edna, on the other hand, well, her sweater will make a great polishing rag for my awesome new shoes.

Yours in gratitude,
Montana Jones

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm gonna miss Bush jokes

At one of his morning briefings president Bush was told that two Brazilian soldiers had been killed. To the surprise of his staff, Bush reacted quite shocked at the news. He had never had the same reaction to news of American deaths. After a few moments pause and reflection he turned to his staff and asked "How many are in a brazillion?"

So I went into the bar the other day where I found Bush and Cheney bellied up to the bar sipping their beers. I was so amazed to find them there I had to go up and ask "Hey aren't you guys the leaders of the free world? What are you doing here in my neighborhood bar?"

To which Bush replied "We like going to out of the way places like this to plan big things like our invasion of Iran."

"Whoa" says I, "Your are invading Iran?!? How is that going to happen?"

"Well," says Bush, "We plan to kill five hundred thousand Iranians and one bicycle repair man."

"No way!" says I, "Why would you kill a bicycle repair man?"

Bush then smacks Cheney on the arm and says "See! I told you no one would care about five hundred thousand dead Iranians."

Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Found in my inbox

Swag means "stuff". And FYI in this crazy land, 'slash' means cut, not piss. And 'pissed' means mad not drunk. And 'mad' means angry, not crazy. I know it's bizarre

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Friday, January 09, 2009

Tastes like onion

I woke up with a strong onion flavor in my mouth. I had brushed my teeth before bed but the taste was still there, it was strong enough that I had to jump from bed to brush again. Much of the morning was spent munching peanut butter sandwiches and chewing grape bubble gum. The residual onion flavor lingered through a few more tooth brushings and the mid day meal.

I had put my new food processor X-Mas gift to work the other day. I tossed in a couple tomatoes and some jalapeños and onion and green onion and garlic and spice and such. The goal was a Pico de Gaillo type concoction.

Turns out that I did not have enough tomato and the stuff turned into a spicy green sauce. A spicy green onion sauce. You know how your eyes get all watery when you cut raw onion? That burning sensation in your sinus that screams "raw onion!" My sauce tasted just like that. It looked like Jolly Green Giant jism and it was the flavor of Satan's onion patch.

I have been known to eat a raw onion from time to time. I can enjoy strongly flavored foods. This stuff tasted like all the onion tears ever cried got frozen into a solid brick and then clubbed my brain.

This stuff tasted like onion acid was being injected into my sinus.

This stuff tasted like pinpricks of evil.

This stuff tasted like the day I got heat stroke.

This stuff tasted like suffocating under a mountain of onion.

It was not very good and had strong onion overtones.

You would think that by the fifth or sixth sample I would stop trying to cover the flavor with more cumin and basil and just quit eating it.

It tasted like onion spit.

I tried to salvage it by adding a can of tomato sauce and cooking it a bit. I think that helped mellow it a lot, in fact it may have saved it and turned it into a nice salsa. But I was pretty tired of taste testing by this point so I just stuck it in the fridge. My current dilemma is if I should taste it again or let it lurk in my fridge as the mystery condiment discovered years hence? I am in no hurry to try. After the last go around everything tasted like onion for a day; even my toothpaste.

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Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The second best photo of 2008

After carefully reviewing the 736 photos I took in 2008, I have concluded that the best one is this goat that I have already published here.

The runner up, second best photo of the year is this one:

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