Montana Jones

Presidents Day

Dear President Obama,

Happy Presidents Day!

All that hard work has finally paid off for you, congratulations, your very first Presidents Day holiday all for yourself. I can't wait to see what sort of things you intend to do with your day. Barbecues? Fireworks? Parades? Painted eggs?

This is a big opportunity for you to make all sorts of new traditions. If I may be so bold, I would like to lobby for some new Presidents Day traditions you could get the ball rolling on.

Better presidents day cards would be cool. I am getting tired of getting these cards in the store and having to draw the Lincoln stovepipe hat on the naked dude shooting the arrows. How about some Presidents Day cards that are not so much work? Now I understand that Presidents day cards may be a little self serving, since you are pretty much the only person that will be getting them. I bet you are dodging this issue just to look a little more egalitarian.

So if cards are out, I think the thing that would be the most awesomest for Presidents Day would be chocolate presidents. Everyone would love 'em. Who wouldn't want to bite a chocolate president? Except, well, I wouldn't want anyone to think this was a black thing. Er, sorry, I mean an African American thing. You gotta be egalitarian, right? Must be sort of a burden to be the nations first chocolate president. But that is sort of funny though, isn't it? I bet all those republicans would like to lick a chocolate president right now. You licked them good in November. Er, sorry, that didn't come out right either. I didn't want to suggest that you, or anyone else for that matter, would ever want to lick a republican. Well, maybe if they had a nougat center and a creamy milk chocolate skin. Er, sorry, that didn't sound right either. I don't want to make this a black thing. I have lots of friends who are black. Really.

So maybe chocolate presidents are a bad idea too. Do you think that with your egalitarian goals perhaps Presidents Day ought to get moved to a different month? (you know, not black history month.) You wouldn't want it to look like you are trying to hog too many holidays.

I will get back to the drawing board for some more good Presidents Day ideas for you. There are some holidays that do great things with food. Painting eggs or carving up pumpkins. Lots of holidays have the barbecues going on, so that is getting a little cliche. How about a nice lasagna? I will get to work on your new tradition right away.

Happy Presidents Day.
Montana Jones

Labels: cards, chocolate, egalitarian, holiday, Obama, president, presidents day, tradition

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:30 AM 2 comments

Presidents Day

Dear George,

Happy Presidents Day! Well here we are at your last ever Presidents Day. Next year you will have to give the holiday to the next guy (or gal). Don't feel too bad about that, giving up your own holiday is not so bad. After you retire every day will be a holiday. Just think of all the time that you are going to spend on the golf course next year. I know that golf is not nearly as exciting as landing fighter jets on aircraft carriers and telling the generals how to fight wars and spending time in the dungeons torturing people, but you can't be president forever. At least now the secret service might let you go hunting with Dick Cheney again.

You have left the next president with some pretty big shoes to fill when it comes to this holiday. I think that most presidents would have been cool with a backyard barbecue, possibly a ski trip. But not you; your Presidents Day celebrations had some serious festivities going on. Like games of hide and seek with weapons of freakin' mass destruction. Woot! No small stakes party games for you. There is no way a democratic panzy president can top that. What are they going to play? Find the tree hugger in the forest? They probably won't even let you use clearcutting.

I know you don't like to make your Presidents Day celebrations all that big of a deal. I'm guessing that is why you give so many people the day off along with you. That way everyone is busy enjoying their own ski trip or barbecue and don't pay so much attention to what you are up to. Good thing too, all those poor people and newspaper reporters raised an awful stink when no one found those WMD's. Sheesh. Just because they didn't find the big prize is no reason to get their panties in a twist.

So what are you planning for this year? For your last Presidents Day holiday are you going to have a big blow out with games of pin the terrorist to the waterboard and playing nuclear chicken with Iran? Or do you have in mind a quieter celebration with a few of your close oil buddies swimming in a big pool of money?

Whichever it is, I'm gonna miss your larger than life style. You have inspired me to live as if there will be no consequences. Enjoy your holiday.

Montana Jones

Labels: holiday, party, president, presidents day, retire

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:05 AM 0 comments

Happy Presidents Day

Dear President Bush,

Happy Presidents Day!

Yes, it is that time of year again. That joyous occasion for sending Presidents Day cards, eating chocolate presidents heads, and pretending for one day out of the year that we actually like our relatives and our president. Did you get my card? I sent it the other week to make sure it would get to you in time. It's the red one with white lace that says "I [heart] president" on it. For some reason all the cards at the store were red and frilly with hearts and stuff so I had to write "president" with my black magic marker. That black smudge down in the corner is where I censored out the little naked kid trying to shoot your heart with an arrow. I didn't want you to think I was sending a terrorist threat or anything. It really wasn't the best choice of cards for you but my selection was limited. I'm sure this is just an oversight by the Hallmark Company and next year we will get better, more patriotic Presidents Day cards.

I know a lot of people that completely forget about this holiday until they discover they have a three day weekend. Then they usually blow it by getting drunk on Sunday night and don't bother to send you so much as a thank you note for all your hard work. In fact I remember having a conversation last year with someone I thought was super intelligent, she had a Ph.D. and everything. Not only did she not celebrate Presidents Day or send you a thank you note, but she didn't even vote. Can you believe it? Some smartypants trying to tell me that voting was a waste of time because there is no way to know what a candidate will do or who they will represent once in office. My friend said that politics was so rife with dishonesty and hypocrisy and that every candidate would go back on their promises, lie and screw up somehow. She said there was no point to voting because no matter whom you vote for you still get a screw up that wont represent you in Washington.

To be honest, I didn't vote for you either. But at least I did my patriotic duty. Besides, I think she might be right; Ralph Nader would probably have screwed up just as bad as you have, just in different ways is all. If only Ross Perot would run again. But hey, Presidents Day is a good day to put all that behind us.

So best of luck to you in convincing people to believe you when you give speeches and stuff. Since it is your big holiday and all I hope you get to take a break from all the politics and screwing up that you do. You can count on me to keep reminding people to send Presidents Day cards and to do their patriotic duty of voting. I hate to think of what would happen if we put the wrong screw up in office.

Happy Presidents Day and don't forget...

I [heart] president.

Montana Jones

Labels: cards, holiday, patriotic, politics, president, presidents day

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:21 AM 0 comments