Montana n: A state of the northwest United States bordering on Canada. Admitted as the 41st state in 1889. The fourth largest state in the union, it includes vast prairies and numerous majestic mountain ranges.
Syn: Treasure State, Big Sky Country, Last Best Place.
Jones n: slang. An addiction or very deep craving.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
In my life I have had two hair styles that have ever worked for me. Hair so long all I had to do was tie it down into a ponytail or hair so short I couldn't even comb it. I have learned a few things living at these extremes. I have learned that chicks dig guys with long hair. I have learned that chicks dig guys with good personality but no hair; you just have to work harder at it. I have learned how to french braid my own hair. I have learned the best way to hide a bald spot is to not have hair.
Since attaining my thirties my bald spot has been asserting itself. Consequently I have been wearing my hair at the shorter of the extremes. (The Gallagher look is just so wrong.) To facilitate this I purchased high quality hair trimming clippers several years ago and they have long since paid me back with the monies not spent on barbers or stylists. I have a pleasant ritual whereby every six weeks or so I strip down, stand in front of the bathroom mirror and buzz the clippers all over my head. Shower, sweep the bathroom floor and I am a new man with a neatly trimmed noggin. Ordinarily this is done with the #1 clipper length attachment. I will occasionally use the #2 attachment in the winter time for slightly longer hair, but that means more frequent haircuts. Not for me, I am all about convenience and less effort. #1 leaves enough hair that I don't look like some bald freak but still plenty short so it takes about a month to get all spikey and weird looking.
I recently found myself naked in front of the mirror pulling out the clippers for the grooming ritual. But this time the clippers were not making their usual high pitched buzzing scream. More like a lethargic grumbling. A quick test against the side of my head revealed a lack of hair cutting action. I fetched my screwdrivers. I quickly had the bastard disassembled and cleaned out years worth of hair trimmings gumming up its guts while enjoying the manly satisfaction of working on mechanical gizmos in the buff. Upon reassembly the clippers returned to their enthusiastic, powerful buzzing glory. I was quick to apply them to the side of my head to test the cutting action. There was much satisfaction in watching a big ol' clump of hair hit the bathroom floor. Yeah baby, naked Mr Fixit saves the day.
My satisfaction was short lived when I noticed my trusty #1 length attachment sitting on the bathroom counter. Shit! I just shaved a big swath into the side of my head. I checked it out with the hand mirror. Yep, definitely makes me look like a goofball. I was quick to enter damage control mode. I attached #1 and proceeded to hack hair off my head. I tried to convince myself that the difference between #1 and no attachment at all wouldn't be noticeable. Hand mirror disagreed. Still looked like a goofball.
I pondered the obnoxious swath in my head for a few moments and thought through my options. I could wear a hat for the next month. Not such a good choice. I have a hot date for the Star Wars premiere this weekend and wearing a hat to bed will probably result in a lack of nookie. My next option did not work out so well either. I simply lacked the dexterity to hold the hand mirror in one hand, the clippers in the other, look over my shoulder and shave a silhouette of an American eagle into the back of my head. A Nike swoosh might have been possible but I am just not down with corporate logos. They would have to pay me big bucks for that sort of advertising. Last option, shave my head.
Well, I have discovered I have an interesting scar on the back of my head. I'm gonna have to remember to ask mom about that one. I will probably have to wear a hat anyway because I am pretty pale and a sunburn would suck. Added bonus, the bald spot is completely hidden.
There is more Jones in the archives: February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 December 2009 January 2010 May 2014