Montana Jones

Grooming gone wrong

In my life I have had two hair styles that have ever worked for me. Hair so long all I had to do was tie it down into a ponytail or hair so short I couldn't even comb it. I have learned a few things living at these extremes. I have learned that chicks dig guys with long hair. I have learned that chicks dig guys with good personality but no hair; you just have to work harder at it. I have learned how to french braid my own hair. I have learned the best way to hide a bald spot is to not have hair.

Since attaining my thirties my bald spot has been asserting itself. Consequently I have been wearing my hair at the shorter of the extremes. (The Gallagher look is just so wrong.) To facilitate this I purchased high quality hair trimming clippers several years ago and they have long since paid me back with the monies not spent on barbers or stylists. I have a pleasant ritual whereby every six weeks or so I strip down, stand in front of the bathroom mirror and buzz the clippers all over my head. Shower, sweep the bathroom floor and I am a new man with a neatly trimmed noggin. Ordinarily this is done with the #1 clipper length attachment. I will occasionally use the #2 attachment in the winter time for slightly longer hair, but that means more frequent haircuts. Not for me, I am all about convenience and less effort. #1 leaves enough hair that I don't look like some bald freak but still plenty short so it takes about a month to get all spikey and weird looking.

I recently found myself naked in front of the mirror pulling out the clippers for the grooming ritual. But this time the clippers were not making their usual high pitched buzzing scream. More like a lethargic grumbling. A quick test against the side of my head revealed a lack of hair cutting action. I fetched my screwdrivers. I quickly had the bastard disassembled and cleaned out years worth of hair trimmings gumming up its guts while enjoying the manly satisfaction of working on mechanical gizmos in the buff. Upon reassembly the clippers returned to their enthusiastic, powerful buzzing glory. I was quick to apply them to the side of my head to test the cutting action. There was much satisfaction in watching a big ol' clump of hair hit the bathroom floor. Yeah baby, naked Mr Fixit saves the day.

My satisfaction was short lived when I noticed my trusty #1 length attachment sitting on the bathroom counter. Shit! I just shaved a big swath into the side of my head. I checked it out with the hand mirror. Yep, definitely makes me look like a goofball. I was quick to enter damage control mode. I attached #1 and proceeded to hack hair off my head. I tried to convince myself that the difference between #1 and no attachment at all wouldn't be noticeable. Hand mirror disagreed. Still looked like a goofball.

I pondered the obnoxious swath in my head for a few moments and thought through my options. I could wear a hat for the next month. Not such a good choice. I have a hot date for the Star Wars premiere this weekend and wearing a hat to bed will probably result in a lack of nookie. My next option did not work out so well either. I simply lacked the dexterity to hold the hand mirror in one hand, the clippers in the other, look over my shoulder and shave a silhouette of an American eagle into the back of my head. A Nike swoosh might have been possible but I am just not down with corporate logos. They would have to pay me big bucks for that sort of advertising. Last option, shave my head.

Well, I have discovered I have an interesting scar on the back of my head. I'm gonna have to remember to ask mom about that one. I will probably have to wear a hat anyway because I am pretty pale and a sunburn would suck. Added bonus, the bald spot is completely hidden.

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:26 AM