Montana Jones

Dear HP Color Laser Jet 2840,

You are the retarded child of all my computer accessories. You are big and dumb and needy.

Wait, I take that back. That would be an insult to all the retarded children that are smarter than you. Sure, you can do a pretty fair job of smearing colorful ink all over my plain white paper. And I like all the accessories like the copier and the scanner. Handy stuff in my small office. I can't complain about what you produce. I just wish getting you to do it was less like a special-ed class.

For starters you do not appear to understand anything about appropriate paper for printing on. We commonly print on both envelopes and paper and I still don't know how to teach you the difference. I put the envelopes into your tray 1, the only place they will fit, and I load paper into tray 2. Then I go to your configuration panel and explicitly tell you that you have envelopes in tray 1 and paper in tray 2. Got it? Good. Now why in the great smoky universe do you always print from tray 1? Holy crap. What makes you think that envelopes are the be all and end all around here? Don't you think I might want some of that stuff printed on paper? I know sheep dogs that are smarter than you.

But it gets better. When it comes time to actually print an envelope and I explicitly command you to print an envelope and you know there are envelopes in your tray 1 because I told you there are envelopes in tray 1. When I print an envelope you actually stop and ask me "Do you really want to print on this media?" Holy jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! You scribbled all over those envelopes when I really wanted paper. Now that I want an envelope you have to stop and ask permission? A first grader taking Ritalin is smarter than you are!

I can't deal with being asked if it is okay to print a mailing address on an envelope every time I try to do it. Such stupidity hurts me. A bazillion daily reminders of how stupid you are is too much. I will take responsibility for being the intelligent one in our relationship. I will no longer tell you what paper products you carry. I will keep track of that for you and just tell you 'print to tray 1' or 'print to tray 2'. It is easier this way.

Except that it is not easier. Now when I want to print something first I click print and then I click the properties button and then I have to click the drop down and then click to select which tray I want and then I click OK and then I click OK again. That's six mouse clicks for me to print anything on the correct paper. I hate the fact that you are so stupid that I have to do six mouse clicks worth of work every single time I want ink smeared on paper. You are supposed to be a big fancy printer. You can print in color and copy and scan and read memory cards and fax things. By the great green boogers of Jupiter! Why are you stupider than slime mold?

I almost don't want to mention how you can't print on some things. Label stickers, odd sized envelopes and miscellaneous stuff like that. You know the exact size in millimeters of Japanese postcards and let me select that as a size option but you won't let me tell you the size of the label I want printed? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And you are needy. You crave attention more than a stripper. You have more wants and needs than a three year old in a candy shop. Now I can deal with you occasionally popping up and shouting "Hey, I'm out of paper." That is fair. Some things I need to know. But do you have to do it over top of everything I am working on? I'm writing an Email here. Sometimes you pop up to tell me "Hey, I might be getting low on ink." For the love of low blood pressure and all happy things, what makes you think that piece of info is more important than what I am working on? I know you are low on ink. I can see all the blinky lights over there on your face. I know what they mean. I took responsibility for being the smart one remember? At this moment I like to calm myself from your intrusion by checking the little box that says "don't remind me again" as I gently shoo you away. I don't think those words mean what you think they mean because your pop ups never stay gone. Sometimes you pop up again right away to say "but what about the blue ink? That could be low too." Great Beezelbubs balls! If you had a 'shut the fuck up' button I would be clicking it.

Your random intrusions into my work must stop. You occasionally throw a little window at me with a gratingly jingly sound asking "do I want to check for updates?" I have learned that you do not have updates nearly as often as you enjoy checking for them. And when you do have updates they do nothing to make you smarter. So what's the point?

Now the mighty king of annoyances has got to be the fax configuration wizard. About three or four random times a day, right after I have six click printed something, you throw open a full screen window for the fax configuration wizard. By the great greasy gonads of god, what made you think I wanted to do anything with you so important it would require taking over my entire screen? Why do you want to play with a fax right now? I have even gone through the fax setup in the hopes that it would make you stop, yet you still open that stupid thing several times a day. You are like a little puppy constantly bringing by a toy and begging "do you want to play now?" No. I am working. I do not want to play fax right now. In fact there is a reason I don't even have your fax connected. It is because of your needyness. When I do try to connect the fax you apparently need that phone line so much that you don't let the credit card machine share it. By the heavenly tits of Athena have you no concept of what is important around here? That credit card machine brings in more money than your fax ever will. The credit card machine really does need the phone line more than you do. No, I will not play fax with you. Not until you learn to share. At the rate you are learning I am pretty sure we will not play fax ever. Should I need to send a fax I would rather take my three bucks down to the copy shop than put up with you.

Unfortunately my retarded printer friend, we are stuck together for a while. My office supply budget cannot afford a new printer every year and there is no guarantee that the next one will be less stupid. You printers have never been all that bright. You do redeem yourself a little with how well you smear ink onto paper. That is the bottom line after all. All those well printed documents shows that you try so very hard to look like you are not stupid. Too bad I know better.

Yours in frustration,
Montana Jones

Posted by: Montana Jones / 11:19 AM