Montana Jones

Montana n: A state of the northwest United States bordering on Canada. Admitted as the 41st state in 1889. The fourth largest state in the union, it includes vast prairies and numerous majestic mountain ranges.
Syn: Treasure State, Big Sky Country, Last Best Place.

Jones n: slang. An addiction or very deep craving.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

On blogging anonymously

My work is everything these days. The other day I started work at 4:30 AM and didn't wrap up until 8:30 PM. Not trying to brag or martyr myself, just saying, summer is my busy time that balances those leisurely 20-30 hour work weeks in the off season. So naturally when I conjure up a half hour at the computer for blogging there is one topic that comes to mind most. Work. The sad fact is that I can't go there.

I started this blog for a variety of reasons. I was new in town, didn't know anybody and was bored. I wanted to improve my writing skills through practice. I decided on a pseudonym to give me the freedom to dig deeply into my psyche and talk about things that are perhaps not socially acceptable. Wants, desires, fears, mistakes and sex. The things that are part of all our lives but do not normally come out in public. Things that can weaken you in business relationships.

I have talked about a few of my sexcapades, and possibly mentioned not being perfect. All for the entertainment of my blog reading minions. But it has become painfully obvious to me that these things are not appropriate to my business. The web is available to anyone and everyone including the people I have to work with and for. They could even be reading my words right now without my knowledge. It would put me in a poor position, business wise, to confess my insecurities here and then face these people tomorrow.

I do not fear getting fired. I am my own boss, operate my own business, have a lengthy contract and cannot lose my position over embarrassing secrets on the internet. But that does not mean that my life should be an open book. Even though I can't be fired, I can be prejudiced against. My work can be made more difficult. I could lose clients. As much as I want to believe that the universe will balance in favor of openness and honesty I have to live in the reality that most people don't care to know the fears, insecurities and sex lives of the people they do business with.

Because of the tone I have set in the first six months of my blog I believe I must remain anonymous indefinitely

Damn shame too; I would love to tell you about some of the things I have encountered in my work. I would love to tell about the full moon setting over the lake at 5:30 in the morning. I would love to tell you about why my job requires hiking boots. I would love to tell you about the buck doing 15mph down the highway and not letting me pass. I would love to tell you about the mules and the propane and the problems I work to solve every day. I'm sorry but I can't. I fear my very livelihood is at stake.

There are choices with this and any blog. I could have chosen not to blog anonymously. I could have chosen to focus my blog more on my public life than my private life. That would have afforded me the ability to talk more openly about my very cool job; tell more of some of the people around me. But the flip side is that I would be denied speaking about some of the interesting bits of my personal life. The things that make us human and fragile.

I have read the blogs of others where they have alluded to some strife or trouble but could not go into detail. As much as I yearn for the juicy bits of their lives and humanity I know they cannot indulge me. They do not blog anonymously and could implicate or slander their peers by speaking their minds in a public forum. I can only conclude that blogging is imperfect as a journaling medium. There is no way for me to speak to all the aspects of my life and personality. When made public some of my actions can be misconstrued at best and held against me at worst. There have been times when I have been tempted to turn back to the old pen and notebook journal as a way around this conundrum.

I am not ready to abandon this blog. I feel like it is just getting warmed up. I just feel sad that this is a medium that will always deny me in some way or other.

definitely a damn shame. you're too cute to hide behind the goat forever.
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