Montana Jones

Bumper Stickers

A brief selection of bumper stickers spotted in Montana.

"Guns cause crime like flies cause garbage."

"In guns we trust. E Pluribus BANG."

"Blaming guns for causing crime is like blaming spoons for making Rosie O'Donell fat".

"Fear the government that fears your gun."

"Charlton Heston is my president"

Labels: bumper sticker, guns, Montana, slogan

Posted by: Montana Jones / 6:13 AM 0 comments

Star Wars mashup

To celebrate the thirtieth anniversary of Star Wars I made a mashup.

Enjoy.

Labels: anniversary, mashup, Star Wars, video

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:47 AM 1 comments

Last Jump

When the rain stopped the skydivers hurried into their jumpsuits and gear. There was a sense of urgency to take advantage of the break in the weather. A crowd of about 40 people huddled under the tent and under the awnings guarding against the rain, some wrapped in blankets against the chill.

I recognized most of the faces from the funeral two days before. But now the suits and fancy dresses and sunny afternoon had turned over to casual tee shirts and gray skies. The ritual and formality of a church ceremony had given way to a more festive mood.

After the skydivers put their parachutes on they gathered in a circle out in front of the hanger. I knew they were talking about groups and exit order and making their plan for the moments ahead. I walked over and listened from just outside the circle.

The widow was with them, wearing a pilots seat back parachute and carrying a blue helmet that I recognized. The helmet had plastic bags in it. The leader of the group stood close to her and told who would be carrying __ with them and who was to be first and last out. His voice choked when he said __'s name and I could tell he was holding back tears as he gave his instructions.

Another of the skydivers asked to say something and proceeded to lead the group in prayer. I noticed then that more onlookers had followed me and a crowd gathered to listen closer. I watched men reach to hold their wives hands and the children in the crowd stopped roughhousing and listened to the prayer. By the time all the onlookers had gathered close a murmur or "Amen" passed across the field and the circle of jumpers broke and turned to the runway and the waiting airplane.

They held the widow close and guarded her as they approached the machine. She was helped aboard first and I could see through the windows that she took the seat next to the pilot. Then the skydivers climbed the ladder one by one and the ladder was taken away and the door closed. The airplane began rolling to the far end of the runway.

The onlookers did not move from their spots and gave a cheer as the airplane thundered down the runway and leapt into the sky. It climbed, circling the field and the crowd turned in place to watch it, rotating through all the points of the compass twice. The children grew more excited with each turn and the mother held close to her family with eyes glistening. Murmurs grew louder and talk became more excited in anticipation of a main event.

The airplane stood in a stark contrast, a small black silhouette against the cold gray skies. The skydivers themselves looked like tiny atoms as they dropped away one after another in a single file. The crowd gave a collective gasp of appreciation as the jumpers appeared and a child began counting them, shouting out loud "one, two, three, four…" all the way up to twelve, for each of them leaving the airplane. And then the sky blossomed with color as the parachutes came out and the smooth line of dots became a kaleidoscope of dancing flowers drifting in the wind.

The parachutes turned and spun and flew. There were too many to watch them all and the crowd produced oooh's and aaaah's of appreciation. And then from one of the parachutists a dusty cloud dropped away like a billow of smoke. The crowd put up a loud cheer and then the ash was gone. Blown and spread into the air and it was no more.

The skydivers quickly dropped down onto the field and the colorful parachutes landed one by one in the open space between the onlookers and the runway. The crowd cheered and clapped loudly as each of the skydivers touched down. Some of them dropped out of the sky quickly, swooping fast across the ground. Others came down with more caution and gracefully stepped to earth. The onlookers applauded and shouted for each of them as they touched down.

The skydivers gathered up their parachutes and strolled in from their disparate landing points. As they came together they would hug or touch hands. The onlookers spread out onto the field as well, encompassing the skydivers with hugs and congratulations.

The parachutes were carefully laid out in a colorful row, waiting to be folded up again. No one hurried to the work. Skydivers sought out their friends among the crowd. The mother wore a smile on her tear lined face. When the widow walked back from the landed airplane she carried with her the empty blue helmet and the sorrow on her face had a look of peace to it.

Labels: airplane, ash, ceremony, death, farewell, funeral, parachute, skydiving, widow

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:33 AM 2 comments

Thanks for calling

Me:

And hey, I just want to say thanks for the call.

He:

Oh yeah, no problem. I just want to know what news service your brother pays attention to. He is all the way out there on the east coast, as far east as you can go without getting your feet wet, and he sees this tiny little news blurb about a plane crash in Montana and then he is all over the phone checking up on you.

Me:

It's reassuring.

He:

He knew before anybody here got the news. I mean hell, all the local new places take the weekend off. Can't get local news on a weekend. But he got a little blurb out east. He tried calling you and couldn't reach you and then he tried your mom and dad but they were off doing that thing in Missoula. He finally got to me but I didn't have any info for him.

Me:

Yeah, I was out at the field. Can't get cell phone coverage out there.

He:

With the local news being worthless I tried calling around. You, and your mom. Finally got your mom and all that did was worry her. Made my day when you answered the second time I tried you.

Me:

I had just switched the phone back on. You rang it only ten seconds later.

He:

Well, we are all glad you are okay.

Me:

My phone just lit up when I switched on. You, mom, dad, MM, some friends. It's nice to know that I would be missed if I actually went missing. So thanks for calling.

Labels: conversation, family, friends, local news, news, phone, worry

Posted by: Montana Jones / 11:00 PM 2 comments

Later

He:

Did you know the pilot?

Me:

I met him last week. He struck me as a decent guy.

He:

Yeah, I'm sure he was a good guy. What kind of experience did he have?

Me:

I heard he flew jumpers a lot back in _place_. He did a good job flying us last weekend. Hell, I was just in that plane with him two days ago. What do you know about the others? The students?

He:

I think they were from _place_. They were fiancée's.

Me:

Shit, that sucks.

[later]

Guy:

I was going to go over there, but __'s wife is there crying and if I go over I would start bawling too.

Me:

Yeah, me too.

[later]

Guy:

You know, spend enough time in this sport and you go through this.

Me:

I know more jumpers that have died in plane crashes than have died skydiving.

He:

I know more people that have died on the job than have died skydiving.

[later]

He:

God, I wish I had been here.

P_:

No! There is no point to thinking that. It happened the way it happened because it happened that way. You can't think about if. It doesn't help.

He:

Well, if I was flying…

P_:

Yeah, if you were flying you would have done it different, and if I was flying I would have done things different and if there were different people on board there would be different weight loads and it would have been different. Doesn't mean anything. You just go crazy with those ifs. It doesn't help to think about ifs.

Me:

If I had tried to get here earlier I might have been hit by a truck on the highway.

P_:

Exactly. Things happen the way they happen.

[later]

Guy1:

Can we go down and look if we stay out of the yellow?

Sheriff:

Yeah, just stay on the outside of the tape.

Guy1:

Damn, there is just nothing left.

Guy2:

The burn is not very big. It all went in right close together.

Guy3:

Just the engine and the tail.

Guy1:

You can see a bit of the pilots window frame right there.

Guy2:

Can you see the instrument panel?

Guy1:

Naw, it looks like that burned up too. The FAA guys would want that.

Guy2:

That divot there must have been the first point of contact. Where the wing hit.

Guy1:

And that flipped it like that, so the prop would have hit there in that divot.

Guy3:

I don't see the prop.

Guy1:

Naw, the prop is aluminum. Once that starts burning it all goes up like paper.

Guy2:

First load, it must have had plenty of fuel.

Guy3:

There's no wings either.

Guy2:

You can see a bit of the wing tip right there. Left wing it looks like.

Guy1:

Pointless. It's just goddamn pointless. No reason for it.

Labels: aircraft, aviation, conversation, crash, crying, death, if, pilot, pointless, skydiving

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:23 PM 0 comments

Blue skies, black death

He:

There's not going to be any jumping today.

Me:

Oh?

He:

Seven one tango crashed.

Me:

Oh God.

He:

Do you know __ and __?

Me:

Yeah.

He:

They were on it.

Me:

Oh God. Was this today?

He:

Yeah, first load.

Me:

Where did it go down?

He:

Just down there. End of the runway. It's all burned up, only a little of the tail is left.

Labels: aircraft, aviation, conversation, crash, death, skydiving

Posted by: Montana Jones / 5:54 PM 2 comments

Programming the credit card machine

Guy:

[on phone] Hey, this is Guy. I need you to pull up account XX. Okay. Yeah, we are doing the transmit and it is asking for a password… Okay… Well can we just get rid of that? I've done over 80 of these on the SUX1000 and I have never had to use a password to transmit before… Uh, huh… So I need to tell the customer to just live with it?

Me:

Oh fucking hell.

Guy:

Yeah, do please ask someone. And another thing, we need you to update the address... On the receipts. Yeah, these receipts go to customers and he wants a different address on there... It's box 000... Oh, you can't use a post office box?

Me:

Oh fuck. They are just wrong.

Guy:

So you can put the P.O. box on a second line? Okay, just do it. Oh, you CAN put the right address on? Great thanks.

Me:

And the phone number. Get the right phone on there too.

[later]

Guy:

Okay, lets give it a test. Is that the right address and phone on the slip?

Me:

Yup.

Guy:

And see, it's a one button transmit now too.

Me:

As it should be.

Guy:

At first she wasn't going to do it but when she started hearing all the swearing in the background I think that motivated her.

Me:

Whatever it takes. It's my money not hers.

Labels: business, conversation, credit card, customer, machine, money, motivation, phone, programming, swearing

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:14 PM 0 comments

A late supper

I thought the burning smell was coming from outside my window. I really did. With all the slash piles getting burned this time of year it is not unusual to get a whiff of smoke drifting in the air. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I discovered the smell was actually coming from my stove.

I had put a pot of water on to boil and in following that rule about watched pots never boiling I wandered off to surf a little internet. I guess I lost track of time, when I got back to the stove there was no water. Boiled away to a sizzling blob of charred and molten gunk skating around on a hot metal dance floor. Fuck. I switched off the burner and lifted the pot over to my cutting board. I immediately thought better of that and transferred it to an unused burner. Too late, I had managed to scorch a circle into the wood of the cutting board. Fuck. What started as a late dinner was turning into an exercise in damage control.

I gave myself another five minutes to let everything cool down. Even then splashing water into the pot caused it to instantly steam and sizzle. I cautiously added water until it cooled enough for me to scrub out the charred black remains on the bottom. I re-measured my two cups of water and set it back to boil. Then I noticed floaties in the water so I pulled it and scrubbed again. I re-measured two cups of water and still saw crap floating in there. I got out the brillo scrubbers and extra soap and polished the stupid pot to a high shine. This time I didn't bother to look for anything floating.

I tended to my cooking a little closer this time. When the water boiled I added the noodles and set a timer. I stirred occasionally. When the timer beeped I removed it from heat. I cut open a package of albacore steak and in trying to dump it to the plate I got a puddle of fish juice instead. Rinse, repeat. Dinner was starting to piss me off. The albacore made it to my plate and into the microwave. Sixty seconds later I was looking at the horrendous mess of an exploded tuna bomb coating the insides of my little oven. Dinner was starting to piss me off.

A cool thing about being a bachelor is that you get to ignore small spills and messes at your own discretion. Fish stinking up the microwave is not a good choice for overlooking. I wet a sponge and went to work on the inside of the oven. Strange, the fish on the plate did not look any smaller than when I put it in, but close to a fourth of its mass was getting wiped off the microwave walls.

Dinner was a package of pasta alfredo and a package of albacore steak. It was supposed to be a quick and simple meal for a late dinner. It turned out to be extra late with extra cleanup work and burned kitchen tools as souvenir. It tasted all right though. I forced myself to eat every last noodle. There was no way I was going to deal with leftovers from this particular meal.

Labels: boil, burn, cleanup, cooking, dinner, fish, mess, microwave, supper

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:55 AM 1 comments

Bear and Bicycle

Labels: bear, bicycle, footprint, photo, track

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:09 AM 0 comments

We've all been there

Dentist:

Let me know if this hurts.

Me:

Yargguuuf.

Dentist:

You are doing good, is this too uncomfortable?

Me:

Hrruungh.

Dental Assistant:

You won't believe what I did last night. I won twenty bucks playing pool.

Dentist:

Good for you.

Dental Assistant:

Do you play pool Jones?

Me:

Snooorgle.

Dental Assistant:

I thought all guys played pool. I thought it was a rule or something.

Me:

Gleeech, Aaaug.

Dentist:

Are you ready Jones, now is the fun part. The drill can get a little loud.

Me:

Ooorth.

Labels: conversation, dentist, drill, pool

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:28 AM 2 comments

That legislature

Me:

So is your staff all lined up for the summer? Everyone ready to go?

BP:

Oh, let me tell you. I had everything ready and all lined up and then, well… You see, K_ works as a _ for the legislature and the damn legislature didn't do their jobs. They have to go to this special session now.

Me:

Yeah, I saw that.

BP:

I haven't heard from K_ yet, but his schedule may be shot. He is so angry. I am angry.

Me:

Everyone is.

BP:

All they had to do was work together and get the job done and they couldn't. And now they have to go do a special session because they were more interested in posing and posturing than in getting the work done. It makes me so mad. All of them; democrats and republicans. None of them could work together.

Me:

I have some opinions about that myself.

BP:

And it is going to cost the taxpayers $37,000 or something to do this special session and no one knows yet when it will be.

Me:

It's in the Montana constitution that the legislature is supposed to make a budget. It's the law. I think the governor should have 'em all arrested and make them finish the budget in jail.

BP:

I think the special session shouldn't happen. At least not on our dime. Make them do coffee roundtables until they have the budget done. Make them do it with Email. Make them finish the job at their own expense and don't let them get together again until it is done and ready to sign. They should do it all with Email, send as many Emails as it takes to get their work done. Just send that damn budget back and forth until they grow up enough to do their job.

Me:

That's a good idea.

BP:

But anyway, my staff is on hold until I hear from K_ about what his schedule will be. And I don't know when he is going to call. He was really looking forward to getting out here this summer and now who knows. And all because of that legislature, it affects us you know.

Labels: budget, business, conversation, governor, legislature, Montana, opinion, politics, special session, staff, work

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:55 AM 0 comments