Montana Jones

Montana n: A state of the northwest United States bordering on Canada. Admitted as the 41st state in 1889. The fourth largest state in the union, it includes vast prairies and numerous majestic mountain ranges.
Syn: Treasure State, Big Sky Country, Last Best Place.

Jones n: slang. An addiction or very deep craving.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

No Smoking

I've got an issue with the Montana smoking ban. I'm a non smoker so the problem isn't finding a place to light up. I do enjoy not smelling like a cancerous lung at the end of an evening. All my smoking friends are back at previous address so there are no 'we should go here for the smoking rather than there for the entertainment' debates. For the most part the no smoking thing has not put me off all that much. Except for one little thing. Farting.

Back in the day it did not matter if you had Mexican food before going out for a night of drinking and dancing. At the bars everything just smelled like unclean ashtray. You didn't really have to bathe or put much effort into remembering the right guard. It was a given that you and everyone around you was going to smell the same. You smelled like weird Eddies house - after it burned down; but at least that was consistent for everyone.

Nowadays we creatures of nightlife are on notice. No Mexican food. No chili dogs. Be sure to bathe and don't forget your deodorant. No longer can we loose a silent fart while mingling at the bar. Someone is bound to notice now that the constant musky fog of carcinogens has been lifted. In fact, bars smell pretty awful in general. Over in the corner there is a rotten stench from where a party animal overdid it and puked two months ago. And those tables over there on the raised patio, don't sit there, the carpet has soaked up so much spilled beer over the years that no amount of carpet powder can save it. Let's belly up to the bar instead where we can bask in the fumes of bleach and cleaners used behind the counter. Lets not even talk about that piss stench coming from the restrooms.

I found myself out on the dance floor the other night. Loud music and gyrating are awesome, but that mass of bodies is not exactly a rose garden. I can tell you that there were a few people that have not yet learned the no Mexican food rule. And you ski freaks that like to party at the end of the day, you should befriend the shower. After a day of playing hard and sweating you go out and dance and sweat some more. Ripe.

I hearby propose that we repeal this silly no-smoking law. Yes I know all about second hand smoke. I know all about the evils of vice. But we need to save ourselves from our stinky selves here. We need to save our nightlife. I don't mind wearing the older 'smokey' sweater when I go out. I don't mind bathing after an evening of socializing instead of before. Small price to pay really for a great reward. Bars that filter all the other nasty odors by consistently smelling of putrid smoldering cancer. Just like they are supposed to. I am also in favor of saving the tradition of chili dogs and cheap beer before a night of partying.