Montana Jones

Montana n: A state of the northwest United States bordering on Canada. Admitted as the 41st state in 1889. The fourth largest state in the union, it includes vast prairies and numerous majestic mountain ranges.
Syn: Treasure State, Big Sky Country, Last Best Place.

Jones n: slang. An addiction or very deep craving.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

One bag

On my little Christmas/New Years vacation back to previous address I spent some quality time with my old friends. The hangover lasted the better part of a day. I picked up some fresh porn. And I scored a baggie of weed. It was like a shopping trip for debauchery.

I don't know where to buy pot in Montana. This is intentional and a good thing. If you know please don't tell me. Somewhere in the past couple decades my relationship with marijuana has evolved from an occasional indulgence into full on abuse. One factor in leaving my friends and lifestyle of previous address behind was because I was in danger of spending the rest of my life stoned. Somewhere along the way I lost self control and now if I know there is pot around I will smoke it. I know some people that have crossed this line with alcohol; for me it is marijuana. I love to get high first thing in the morning, I like getting high after meals, I like getting high in the evening, before watching a movie, when playing games, before going for a walk, run, or bike ride, I enjoy computer programming while high, I enjoy getting high for long drives. Pretty much any occasion except for dealing with people. I don't enjoy that while high.

This baggie was the first I've had in the year since I moved here. I thought perhaps a sober year would help curb my appetite. It did not. It was like I never left. I had the idea that I would cut back on this bag, make it last a while. Only enjoy it after work and on weekends like a normal person. Perhaps even put it away to be saved for special occasions. That idea did not even last a day. I gave in and let myself smoke the bag away. That is the only way I have found to control it; get rid of it. If it is not around I don't crave it or think much of it at all. I obviously have a choice, live with it or without it. No half measures.

So my pot binge lasted the first couple weeks of January. Yes I did work while high and answer phones and I put in all my hours and did productive little side projects. I also played a lot of video games and watched a bunch of videos for those weeks. In general I'd say my productivity was down but only slightly. Either pot does not interfere with my work all that much or I am just as lazy when sober.

I did get to do some programming while high. This baffles me a little. A very brain intense problem solving activity and pot helps me stay in the zone. Computer programming is about mentally tracking a zillion related and unrelated variables until such time as you get them all written into code and the machine can track them for you. When high all those zillion variables sort of line up right where they belong and knotty logic problems sort themselves out in creative ways. When sober I can still do it, I just have to force it a little. Strange but it works for me. Let's not discuss with my former employers just how much of their important application was coded under the influence. I don't think they would be impressed.

In the past I used pot to help with creativity but on this binge I could barely muster any interest in writing or the blog, did not stroke the guitar at all, could not find any inspiration for any of my other side projects. This means either I never did get a creative boost from it or my relationship with it is changing again. Apologies to my blog reading minions if I have been posting lightly this month, I've been a little stoned. I am personally disappointed that my creative output was not greater.

Supposedly my apartment is non-smoking. I ignored that rule for the past couple weeks. In the daytime I did develop a little ritual of keeping my stash in the bathroom. This was to preserve my privacy against unexpected visitors or anyone peeking into the windows, it also provided a handy ceiling vent for my smoke. I'm surprised I never did this before. With my copious consumption of sugar water I am visiting the little room every hour or two and each time I do I get a little surprise of having a bowl of dope waiting for me there. Sweet. I tend to use my bathroom as something of a sanctuary anyway with my stack of magazines and long comfy showers. A smoking bowl just adds to the stress relief and serenity.

My drinking has increased since I moved to Montana. Nothing dangerous, just a beer or two in the evenings, but this is still a lot more than I used to drink. I think it's because I have not been getting high here. When I get high I have little interest in booze. The beer I stocked up on at the end of December has gone untouched. Likewise the wine I was gifted for Christmas.

So anyway, I brushed aside all thoughts of saving a stash for later and smoked all my pot away. Gone. All that is left is seed and stem and ash. Good riddance. If I knew weed was easy to get I would always be high. It would aggravate my asthma. It would make me even more reclusive than I already am. I would eat more junk food. I would have less initiative. I would be a stoner. Over a year ago I decided not to follow that lifestyle anymore and I moved to Montana. I am not done with pot forever. I bet I will find a bag and re-do this experiment every year or two. But for the most part I need to spend the here and now a little more focused. I have work to do and higher aspirations that just being stoned. But I am looking forward to retirement. When I am old and less active and can't get out much and no longer have responsibilities, that will be the perfect time to spend my days stoned to the bejeezus belt.

i was doing 6.02 ( homework, (I have been high basically constantly for the past month) and googled "programming while high and came across your post. I related so much to this post.
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