Montana Jones

The modern girlfriend conundrum

She:

Are you here with the student?

Me:

Yeah.

She:

Is it a girl?

Me:

Yeah.

She:

It's okay, were just nosy.

He:

Remember the time we were asking T_ about a girl. He was all "She's not my girlfriend!"

She:

He got defensive.

He:

Back in the day if you asked a guy if a girl was his girlfriend he was proud of that. He would be bragging "Oh yeah, one of many." Nowadays guys deny it. "She's not my girlfriend".

Labels: back in the day, conversation, defensive, girlfriend, girls

Posted by: Montana Jones / 4:01 PM 0 comments

Have you ever eaten a huckleberry?

A yummy little morsel related to the blueberry. Native to the mountains of the northwest United States, the huckleberry plant has defied all efforts at domestication and cannot be cultivated. It only exists in the wild mountains and forests. It is a favorite treat of Grizzly Bears and hikers.

I have always had family in Montana, so I have known of and have been eating huckleberries for longer than I can remember. But when I leave the area it becomes immediately apparent that the rest of the world knows little of this delicacy.

I can't remember my first huckleberry but I can point to several events in my life that has tightened my bond with them. Being coaxed up the trail as a child. "Lets look for huckleberries around the next bend." And then after a few huckleberries right off the bush I would be coaxed around another bend. In this manner I learned to climb mountains.

As a young teen I learned that when an attractive lady asks you to go pick huckleberries with her, you say "YES". This is also when I learned not to violate the integrity of another persons huckleberry bucket. Just because you are huckleberry picking with them does not mean that you are going to split the bounty equally. She who picks the most berries wins. And no, she is not going to drop this handful of berries into your bucket for convenience. She will clutch them in her hands through a quarter mile of thickets and brush before giving them up to the likes of you. To this day I believe that it's not love until you can share the huckleberries.

As a young man I had to decide just how much to risk for these little berries. A friend of mine had just blissfully and ignorantly walked a mere 15 feet from a grizzly bear in her quest for a better huckleberry bush. With the bear between her and us it took much jumping, shouting and pantomime to convince her to climb up and away from the bear she never saw. And then when the group was safely rejoined and we were moving away to safety we still stopped to grab a few huckleberries.

Among berries, the huckleberry is sublime. It could be described as similar to a blueberry, but that would be like describing a Lamborghini as similar to a Buick. It would be like comparing a high school art show to the Louvre. Like describing a Stradivarius as some old fiddle. The huckleberry is the prince of berries. If picked too soon it can be tart, but milder than a raspberry. If picked too late it can be sweet, but with a subtlety that no strawberry has ever known. At the perfect peak it puts out a hearty flavorfulness that blackberries dream about. And when you have picked a bucketful of these beauties, the medley sings in your mouth and makes you believe in world peace.

The current going rate is between $30 and $35 per gallon. That is why it is so hard to find a piece of pure huckleberry pie. Huckleberry pies cost a damn fortune. Most of the pies are huckleberry peach, or huckleberry raspberry, or huckleberry rhubarb. The only way to make a huckleberry pie affordable is to cut the berries with some other fruit.

There are several small businesses making a decent living by manufacturing huckleberry jam and huckleberry chocolate and huckleberry coffee and huckleberry jelly beans and so on. The Tillamook dairy over in Washington, which makes a pretty decent huckleberry ice cream, puts out a huckleberry yogurt. I saw it in the store the other day and of course I had to have it. At breakfast I dove for the fridge with eager spoon in hand. Just for the record, you can forget about the Tillamook huckleberry yogurt. They make the stuff with damn blueberries. They ain't foolin' anyone. I can taste the difference.

Labels: girls, hiking, huckleberry, mountains, pie, reminisce

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:15 PM 2 comments

Chick Music

Music in Montana is nothing like what I had back in Big City. I have grown an appreciation for bluegrass while here, I guess that is a good thing, but there is a new trend afoot that has me a little worried. I've been listening to lots of girl music lately.

I recently found myself at a Wailin' Jenny's concert. I have seen some interesting shows in my day. I've moshed at skate parks, I've head banged to metal, I've kicked it with ska, I've funked, rockabillied, and reggae'd. Good times. Nowadays I'm living in Montana and doing some mellow toe tapping to harmonizing girls.

I bought a CD while at their show. I've listened to it and enjoyed it. But it got me thinking about my playlist lately. These days my mp3 rotation has musicians like Sarah Harmer, Amy Winehouse, and the Be Good Tanya's. Good god I even downloaded some Sheryl Crow the other day. And how 'bout that Alanis Morissette My Humps cover? Sweet. But I am noticing a trend here.

There is an argument to be made that I am becoming more rounded and worldly. There is also an argument to be made that I am becoming a pussy. I'm loosing my edge. I have been getting in touch with my feminine side. I'm turning sensitive new age guy. I'm succumbing to girrl power. I've been whipped. I'm going touchy feely. I'm becoming one of the girls. Stop me before I ask directions or start matching my boxers.

I think I am going to blame Montana for this. Totally kick ass and thrashing bands like American Head Charge (*Wink*) just don't come to Montana. In fact the only good acts I have seen in Montana tend to be bluegrass and chick bands. Perhaps there is too much estrogen in the water supply. I just don't know what to do. How can I face my friends back at Big City and tell them that I have been buying chick music and liking it? I think I need a dose of punk stat.

Labels: concerts, estrogen, feminine, girls, Montana, Music, shows

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:10 AM 0 comments

Deducing the rules of attraction

X_:

I don't get it. All the single people I know are all great people, but they are still single.

Me:

I think there is more to it than that.

X_:

I mean, I think R_ is awesome. I would marry her if she were a guy. I would totally stay home and be the house wife and let her go to work.

Me:

Being a great person isn't enough though. Look at you and me. We are both great people, but it didn't work out. There are other things involved. I was too independent, and insensitive and, hell, we could probably find a dozen ways we didn't connect. We are still good and interesting people, but that wasn't enough to make it work.

---

Me:

It's possible I will never get married.

X_:

Why do you say that?

Me:

I think my problem is I am attracted to the wrong women.

X_:

The wrong women?

Me:

Well, I have always been drawn to really smart and independent and ambitious women; the sort of woman that doesn't need me.

X_:

You want someone who needs you?

Me:

No, I don't. And that's the problem. The women I'm attracted to are all following their own path in life, they are working toward something different than what I am working toward. Their goals and mine don't match. I don't fit into their life and they don't fit into mine.

X_:

I get ya.

Me:

I need to learn to be attracted to submissive, unambitious women.

Labels: ambition, attraction, boys, conversation, girls, independant, marriage, personality, relationships

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:40 AM 1 comments

Someone I should meet

Mom:

So who is the young lady I keep hearing about. The one you have been seen with now and again?

Me:

That must be Z_ from Helena.

Mom:

Is this someone I should meet?

Me:

I dunno. I really don't see it becoming long term serious or anything, but she is a cool friend. About once a month or so we will take turns making the drive and visiting.

Mom:

Well that's nice. I guess Helena isn't too bad of a drive.

Me:

No, not too bad. But I keep thinking it would be nice if I could make friends in the same city I live in.

Labels: conversation, friends, girls, Helena, mom

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:46 AM 1 comments

Montana Jones is a girl

I was pretty shocked to learn that myself. It was a significant moment in my life, as monumental as learning that the Easter Bunny is real and Bigfoot is fake. Or is that the other way around? Anyway I confirmed the truth of it with Google and now my world will never be the same.

Turns out I am cybersquatting on someone else's name. The real Montana Jones is a fine young lady living in Canada; and get this, she is a writer. She won a spiffy award for this excellent piece. She is also a festival organizer, a designer and a shepherd. I am having a hard time coming to grips with the idea that Montana Jones is cooler than Montana Jones. An identity crisis may be looming.

We have swapped some emails and we are both okay with sharing the name. She approves of the blog and my nom de plume. I approve of Montana Jones being a smart, funny, well spoken lady from the the north. And we both agree it is really weird to see Montana Jones in our inboxes. We might even start an exclusive club. The third member would be that awesome linebacker from the infamous Springdale Bulldogs in Arkansas.

Labels: girls, Montana Jones

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:49 AM 1 comments

Thanksgiving vacation

5 Reasons I went to Canada for a Thanksgiving vacation.

• Because I could.
• My family was all going elsewhere and I didn't want to tag along.
• I finally had some money left between payday and rent due day.
• I have been craving some city life and Calgary and Edmonton are the closest big cities.
• I have been talking up a Canadian vacation for months. Time to do it or shut up.

7 Ways that Canada impressed me.

• The radio stations are better than the ones here.
• Every single person I met was super nice.
• Edmonton has the largest mall in North America.
• Canadians are smart enough to use the metric system.
• The winter driving skills of the motorists I observed are vastly superior to what I have witnessed in most U.S. cities.
• Alberta maintains their roads better than Montana does.
• Somehow I still couldn't figure out which exit to use to get to the gas station.

11 Things I did at the West Edmonton Mall.

• Spent waaaay too much money on gifts for my family.
• Watched some youth hockey games at the skating rink.
• Finally found a wallet to replace the one I lost.
• Decided that my twenty bucks was better spent on more gifts than on the bungee jump or the rollercoaster.
• Spent about 30 minutes gazing longingly at the roller coaster and the bungee jump but stuck with my principals.
• I petted a pig at the petting zoo.
• I got to hold a six foot broadsword.
• Played a game of Warhammer against a nine year old and lost.
• Nearly had a heart attack when my debit card started getting refused and I still had to use it to buy a hotel room later.
• Laughed hysterically when I learned that my money was still good.
• Had a plate of chicken teriyaki. The first exceptionally good chicken teriyaki I have had in years.

One really cool person that totally made my day.

Kim, the cute girl with the beautiful accent at the massager shop. She had the friendliest sales pitch of the day and the most beautiful voice. I could have listened to her sales pitch for hours. Her stuff was too expensive for me so I spent the day buying cheap gifts for most of my family, stretching the budget a little. When I got back to her She generously repackaged her products to match my budget. She was patient as my debit card got refused and I went into a phone calling frenzy trying to find my money. When she learned that the debit card issue might cut me off from a room for the night she suggested I could sleep on her couch. "We are Canadian." she said, "We help people, that's just what we do." I think I fell instantly in love with her right there. I was a little disappointed that my finances got sorted out and I didn't need to take her up on it. Every person I met in Canada was friendly but she was by far the nicest. I could have kissed her. I shook her hand instead.

Labels: Canada, girls, lists, vacation

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:23 AM 0 comments