Montana Jones

Insidious

The brush with evil was completely unexpected, as a brush with evil usually is. Stalking me and pouncing at the most unsuspecting of places; the local supermarket. I spotted them on the way in. Little cherubs of wanton manipulation. I've met this bunch before and I knew I could not get away unmolested.

Careful Jones, don't make eye contact. Stride in purposefully, eyes averted. Yea that's the ticket. Dodged the first wave. Sometimes you can get by safely if you don't make eye contact.

The visit to the store went remarkably smoothly. No floppy wheel on the cart. Fresh produce instead of the week old stuff. I did not even have to fight past little old ladies in the bread aisle. All this peace would come at a price. I would still have to run the gauntlet to get back out again.

I didn't bother looking for camouflaged pits or clever rope traps. This group does not need them. They have powers of torture and persuasion that no sane person can resist. The only hope is to run. Close your eyes, don't look at any of them, just line up for the exit and run till you feel the cold air of the outside on your skin and then don't look back.

I took a deep breath as I turned my shopping cart toward to the clean safe light of outside, closed my eyes and charged. There was a crash and a violent bang. I opened my eyes again to see a soccer mom had cut me off and I had nearly toppled her cart with my sideswipe. I was in trouble now, trapped near the entrance, cut off from escape. The soccer mom scowled. I mumbled an apology and fought to keep my eyes down, focused only on my feet. And then I was caught. One of them was standing right there. Materialized from thin air. I could not avoid her. In a soft voice with lilting singsong tones the little cherub spoke "Would you like to buy some cookies?" My willpower was crushed.

To resist would be torture. The way these children can suck the spirit from any grown person astounds me. I was helpless in her grasp. I could not say no. The freshly scrubbed face, the cute green sash, the pig tails. There was only one avenue of resistance left. "Do you have Thin Mints?" I asked feebly. Her eyes twinkled, she knew she had me. "Yes" she said, "lots."

Fortunately my wallet was nearly empty so I was able to escape with only three boxes. Those Girl Scouts are insidious. What's worse, I know I can eat an entire box of Thin Mints in one sitting. Insidious.

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:27 AM