Montana n: A state of the northwest United States bordering on Canada. Admitted as the 41st state in 1889. The fourth largest state in the union, it includes vast prairies and numerous majestic mountain ranges.
Syn: Treasure State, Big Sky Country, Last Best Place.
Jones n: slang. An addiction or very deep craving.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
The brush with evil was completely unexpected, as a brush with evil usually is. Stalking me and pouncing at the most unsuspecting of places; the local supermarket. I spotted them on the way in. Little cherubs of wanton manipulation. I've met this bunch before and I knew I could not get away unmolested.
Careful Jones, don't make eye contact. Stride in purposefully, eyes averted. Yea that's the ticket. Dodged the first wave. Sometimes you can get by safely if you don't make eye contact.
The visit to the store went remarkably smoothly. No floppy wheel on the cart. Fresh produce instead of the week old stuff. I did not even have to fight past little old ladies in the bread aisle. All this peace would come at a price. I would still have to run the gauntlet to get back out again.
I didn't bother looking for camouflaged pits or clever rope traps. This group does not need them. They have powers of torture and persuasion that no sane person can resist. The only hope is to run. Close your eyes, don't look at any of them, just line up for the exit and run till you feel the cold air of the outside on your skin and then don't look back.
I took a deep breath as I turned my shopping cart toward to the clean safe light of outside, closed my eyes and charged. There was a crash and a violent bang. I opened my eyes again to see a soccer mom had cut me off and I had nearly toppled her cart with my sideswipe. I was in trouble now, trapped near the entrance, cut off from escape. The soccer mom scowled. I mumbled an apology and fought to keep my eyes down, focused only on my feet. And then I was caught. One of them was standing right there. Materialized from thin air. I could not avoid her. In a soft voice with lilting singsong tones the little cherub spoke "Would you like to buy some cookies?" My willpower was crushed.
To resist would be torture. The way these children can suck the spirit from any grown person astounds me. I was helpless in her grasp. I could not say no. The freshly scrubbed face, the cute green sash, the pig tails. There was only one avenue of resistance left. "Do you have Thin Mints?" I asked feebly. Her eyes twinkled, she knew she had me. "Yes" she said, "lots."
Fortunately my wallet was nearly empty so I was able to escape with only three boxes. Those Girl Scouts are insidious. What's worse, I know I can eat an entire box of Thin Mints in one sitting. Insidious.
I left them at the office and hit my co-workers up to eat them.
There is more Jones in the archives: February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 December 2009 January 2010 May 2014