Montana Jones

A lame proposal

She:

I usually cry a lot at weddings, but this one was lame. I had my hanky ready and everything and I just couldn't conjure a tear.

Me:

Bummer. Lame weddings suck.

She:

Totally. There was just no romance. It was like they were doing a business contract or something. And she told the story of how he proposed and even that was lame.

Me:

Do I want to know?

She:

Yeah, so you know how not to be lame.

Me:

You're right. Lame sucks. Teach me how not to be lame.

She:

Okay, so to not be lame, don't propose like he did. It started with his Christmas gift, which was this fleece jacket but it was three sizes too big.

Me:

That's already not cool.

She:

No, girls don't want to be reminded that you don't know their size and if you are going to guess, don't guess huge. So anyway, they returned it but he didn't exchange it. He just brought it back.

Me:

So he took back his Christmas gift? That is lame.

She:

Totally lame. So then for her birthday, in June, in Florida, he got her another fleece jacket. Only this time it was only about two sizes too big.

Me:

He got her a fleece in June in Florida?

She:

And the wrong size again. And so when she tried it on and was all bummin' over the lame gift he was all "put your hand in the pocket." That's where he stashed the ring and that's how he proposed.

Me:

He got her a fleece in Florida in June? And he somehow thought this was a spiffy place to hide an engagement ring?

She:

He didn't even take her out, or go someplace romantic or anything. He made a lame-ass proposal on his living room couch of all the places.

Me:

Yeah, that is lame. He should have been ballzy enough to propose in public.

She:

Or at least someplace more romantic. Like the beach or something. So if you don't want to make a lame proposal, don't do any of those things.

Me:

Got it. Good to know.

Labels: advice, conversation, gift, lame, marriage, proposal, romance, story, wedding

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:21 AM 0 comments

Dehydration

He:

I can't believe I went through four quarts of water on that hike.

Me:

Yeah, it was hot today. I went through twice my normal amount.

He:

And then I went through a pitcher of lemonade afterward.

Me:

Good for you. It scares me to see people up here not carrying water at all.

He:

Well back when I was younger I didn't carry much water. Back then dehydration was part of the experience. It was just what happened when you went camping.

Me:

Ahhh, yes. The good old days. Or is that young and stupid?

He:

Once you learn that drinking water helps, you don't go back. It keeps you cooler, your muscles don't cramp, you recover faster, and you have more energy.

Labels: conversation, dehydration, heat, hike, water, youth

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:10 PM 0 comments

Horse tales

He:

I don't know how those wranglers do it. I couldn't do it. M_ was telling me that she keeps seeing all those people at the end of their ride just barely hanging on and leaning way over in the saddle. Just tipped over like this. They must have those saddles cinched down really tight.

She:

Ha. And it makes you so sore to. I bet those people are just uncomfortable at the end of the day.

He:

And then there are the ones that fall off. I guess M_ had to help someone the other day that fell and hit their head.

Me:

I had an incident a few years back where a lady fell. Hit her head, got a concussion and alert had to fly her out.

She:

Oh god, what happened?

Me:

Well the official story is that someone up ahead dropped a water bottle and that made her horse misstep and buck her off. But you know what really happened is that she was tired. They were at the end of a three, four hour ride and she was tired and not paying attention and maybe there was a bottle and a misstep, but the lady just wasn't paying enough attention to stay on the horse.

He:

Or that one last summer where the kids got heat stroke and couldn't stay on.

Me:

I heard about that. Isn't that the incident where the dad or whoever told his kids not to drink any water because they were going to be on the horses for so long and he didn't want them to have to get off and pee. They ended up with heat stroke.

She:

Heat stroke. Oh god. Because they couldn't drink water?

He:

Yeah, I was there when they were leaving. I like to hold my horse as the group goes by. It's usually no big thing, but sometimes something can spook them, so I like to be there just in case. And I stood there and watched them get everyone saddled and ready and it was just crazy.

They would get someone up on the horse and then move on to the next one and meanwhile the first horse wanders off and starts eating grass or whatever and so eventually you have all these horses just scattered around with riders that don't know anything. And so they finally got everyone up and ready and the wrangler is all "So do you remember who you followed? Does everyone know where you belong in the line?" and they were all "yeah, we think so." Because the horses get used to following a certain animal and you can get them confused when you do it different.

So the wrangler gets saddled up on his lead horse and everyone works their way into line and as they are about to get going this one kid calls out "I need some water." The wrangler yells back that you all have canteens on your saddle there and the kid says again "I need water now." And then he topples over. Falls right off, fainted.

She:

Oh god.

He:

Yeah, they had been standing out in the sun for like twenty or thirty minutes, out in the heat getting saddled up and this is after spending all day without drinking any water. Gave him heat stroke.

So the wrangler gets off his horse to go back and deal with it and then his horse starts wandering off and of course the whole line of horses starts following him. So I go and hold that lead horse before it becomes even more of a circus. They got that kid taken care of. It was another half hour before they could get started down the trail. I don't know how those wranglers do it. I couldn't do it.

Labels: banter, concussion, conversation, falling, heat stroke, horse, horse ride, incident, stories, wranglers

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:22 AM 0 comments

Toilet Paper

She:

Hey, I have an FYI for you.

Her:

Oh? Okay.

She:

When my grandmother had problems with her septic system and the guy came out to fix it, he told her that the worst stuff you could possibly put down the toilet and into the septic system is Charmin Ultra.

Her:

Oh really?

She:

Yeah. A small system just can't handle that beefy stuff.

Her:

And that is what I have in there right now, isn't it?

She:

Sure is.

Her:

So what is the best?

She:

Kirkland.

Her:

The Costco brand?

She:

Yup. That is what the guy said.

Me:

Since moving to Montana I have learned more about septic systems than I have ever wanted to know.

Labels: best, conversation, Costco, FYI, learning, septic, toilet paper

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:59 PM 0 comments

Don't work too hard

She:

Try not to work so hard.

Me:

This is summer. You know this is when I work hard.

She:

Yeah, but you should take a day off now and again. Try not to overdo it.

Me:

I do that in the winter. Now is my time for bustin' ass.

She:

I know.

Me:

You know, it looks hard, and sometimes it is. But I really do have the greatest job ever. I love my job. This is something I can get engrossed in and be passionate about.

She:

That's true, but I think the people that care about you worry about you pushing too hard or getting burned out.

Me:

If the season were any longer than it is that would definitely be a concern. I may even change my tune in another month or so when I start getting tired, but for now I am having a great summer. I'm as excited and happy to be doing this as I have ever been.

She:

Cool. I think you are even more positive than you were last year.

Labels: conversation, job, passionate, positive, season, summer, work

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:14 PM 0 comments

Yo bear!

Labels: bear, black bear, photo, trail

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:40 PM 0 comments

A reputation as a miracle worker

A first time parachute student was making his first jump. He fell away from the airplane and when it came time to open his parachute he couldn't get it to work right. He pulled on this and yanked on that and could not get his parachute to open. As he looked about in despair he spotted another man flying up toward him from the ground.

"Hey!" He shouted. "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No!" The other man replied. "Do you know anything about gas ovens?"

There was a knock on the door. "Jones." She said. "Jones, we are having some trouble with our oven. We hit the thermostat with a cake pan and now it's bent and we want you to take a look before we move it or damage it any more."

"Okay, I'll be down in a few minutes."

In the kitchen I snooped into the oven. Just as described the thermostat temperature sensor was hanging precariously. I put on an oven mitt and nudged it a little, it popped off into my hand. "Yup." I announced. "Your oven is broken."

I was given a quick tour of the burned cakes that the problem had produced and eavesdropped a staff planning session on how they could possibly bake the roasts, the breads, the cake, the cookies and the vegetables with only one oven. I offered up the suggestion that if someone just monitored the oven temperature every ten minutes they could still get use out of the damaged oven and several people volunteered to be the human thermostat. I turned my attention to the operating manual.

The parts list page proved most interesting and when I thought to heroically call in a replacement part on the spot I was thwarted because the company was closed on Sundays. So I called my business partner instead and asked about spare parts on hand. "I need the one with the coil of wire and a thingamabob on the end." I said. "Oooh. I have that here." She replied. Jackpot.

My business partner called me back three times to let me know that she was consulting resident expert and that there would be more parts and that the whole package would be at the corral in the morning so the riders could carry it in and I should spend an extra night to make sure I had enough time to make the repair. At least some of her ideas are good ones.

Somehow the team managed to bake bread with someone standing duty as a human thermostat. The next morning I commandeered the oven as early as I could. To expose the thermostat I had to strip the top, some rails on the side and a front panel. Then it was hurry up and wait. The horses arrived two hours later and sure enough they had the package as promised.

The repair took all afternoon. I spent a lot of time reading and re-reading the manual. At least twice I worried that I broke the replacement part. Somehow it all came together. I disassembled and reassembled when I found the gas leak. The calibration was sketchy at best. I had it put together again just in time for the cook to put the potatoes in. Dinner was saved.

I informed the staff that they could stand down from human thermostat duty. I was given many accolades for my newfound gas oven repair skills. The staff now thinks I have powers of repair unsurpassed in the mountains. Reputations can be hard to live up to.

Labels: assembly, broken, gas, joke, oven, problem solving, repair, reputation, thermostat, work

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:32 PM 0 comments

Sick

He:

You sound stuffy Jones, do you have allergies?

Me:

Not really, I just have this sore throat thing.

She:

You sound terrible, are you sick?

Me:

No, just a frog in my throat.

She:

That's no frog, that's a buffalo.

Him:

Are you alright Jones? You don't sound so good.

Me:

I just had a sore throat, I'm getting over it.

Her:

That cough sounds terrible. Are you sure you are okay?

Me:

Yeah, I had a throat thing that has gone down to my chest. I'm okay.

Guy:

Are you sure you should be here? You sound bad.

Me:

Yeah, I'm fine. Gimmie that tissue.

Girl:

Are you sick Jones?

Me:

Okay, I'm sick. Alright? I have a cold. Are you happy? It's not all that bad, it hasn't slowed me down. Can't I be in denial about anything around here?

They:

Here, have some tea with lemon. Take this vitamin C. Are you taking Echinacea? Summer colds suck. You should get some sleep. Would you like a bowl of soup? Don't breath on me. Do you think it's this heat? Drink some orange juice. Have you taken your vitamin C?

Labels: advice, cold, conversation, denial, ill, sick, sore throat, stuffy, vitamin C

Posted by: Montana Jones / 6:47 AM 0 comments

Horse ride

She:

How was the horse ride?

Me:

Short.

She:

That's good.

Me:

Not short as in faster, short as in only a few minutes.

She:

Oh?

Me:

Yeah, W_'s horse had thrown a shoe on the way up and then started limping on the way down, so he had to get off and walk. I couldn't sit on a horse and watch a cowboy walk so I offered him my horse.

She:

That was nice of you.

Me:

It got us down a lot quicker. Besides, it's the natural order of things; cowboys should ride and hikers should walk. Doing it the other way around feels wrong.

Labels: conversation, cowboy, hiker, hiking, horse, horse ride, ride

Posted by: Montana Jones / 7:22 PM 0 comments

How to have a good hike

Drink before you get thirsty.

Eat before you get hungry.

Tape it before it bleeds.

Happy Hiking.

Labels: bleed, hike, hiking, how to, hungry, tape, thirsty

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:14 PM 0 comments

Dismissing

Hey B_, do you have a minute? Well, regarding our conversation from last night, I cannot accommodate your request. M_ and I talked it over and we had made a different plan and we are not willing to change our plan for you. Yes, I understand there is a way to do what you are asking, but it also says in the employee handbook, which you signed off on, that no employee would get such treatment. I do not believe that when you were hired or at any other time I offered or implied any special treatment for you. Yes, we did do that in 2003, and again in 2005. But this year we are doing it differently. And there is also precedent from 2004 for doing this my way.

You know, B_, the kicker for me, the thing that made up my mind is that you put out your request as an ultimatum. That doesn't sit well with me. I do this knowing about your track record of good work, but I'm not going to let you tell me how to run my business.

Yes, of course you can apply next year. I am accepting of all applications. You know, I learned a lot of things from S_. The rule that he put out and that I will continue to follow is that all applicants are eligible for hire on a competitive basis. I can't answer that. I will do next years hiring next year.

I'm very sorry you had to drive out here to this result. What would you like to do next? Okay. Is there anything I can do to help you on your way? Can I buy you breakfast? B_, take care. I hope you find a successful summer. Good luck.

Later.

He took it pretty well, in his usual stoic way. I could tell he was upset. He made an argument for how we have done this before and that it is really no big deal, but I held my ground. Made me feel like a cold, heartless, ruthless bastard.

I'm worried that he is not going to see past the one little issue. I know that his was a small request and easy enough to accommodate but that isn't the point. This little thing is the straw that broke the camels back. I think he is going to be angry for a while. I just hope that he can find good in this. It would help him so much to see that change can be good. I have never understood how he can be so resistant to learning and growing.

I really hope that he eventually sees past this one issue and that this boot to the behind helps him move on to something bigger and better. Still, it makes me feel like a cold, heartless, miserly, wicked, uncaring, ruthless bastard.

Labels: bastard, change, dismissing, employees, Employment, ultimatum, work

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:12 PM 0 comments

The 5th of July

in Hungry Horse Montana.

Labels: aftermath, fireworks, Hungry Horse, Independance day, photo

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:39 PM 0 comments

Birthday greeting

She:

Thanks for the message but my birthday was yesterday.

Me:

Your birthday is on the 30th.

She:

Yeah. That was yesterday.

Me:

But today is... Dammit, dammit, dammit.

She:

You are so funny. Last year you called a day early.

Me:

So on average I am doing pretty good.

She:

Yeah, you have a good average. And thanks for the message. I appreciate it.

Me:

No problem. Did you have a good birthday?

She:

Yeah, I had a little party earlier while F_ and F_ were still here. It was cool. The boy I have a crush on was here and now Y_ is here and we are consuming leftover party food and drink.

Me:

Awwww, very cool. I'm sorry I forgot your birthday again.

She:

Pop quiz, what is my middle name?

Me:

Ummmm. I don't know. You never told me your middle name.

She:

Yes I have. I've told you lots of times.

Me:

No you haven't. I'm convinced you have never told me.

She:

Awww, you suck.

Me:

It's a trick question. You don't have a middle name.

She:

I have a middle name and I have told you.

Me:

Well, what is it?

She:

It's X_.

Me:

See, you never told me. I would have remembered X_.

She:

You're loosing it buddy.

Me:

Yeah, probably.

Labels: average, birthday, conversation, forgetful, loosing it, middle name

Posted by: Montana Jones / 8:46 AM 0 comments

Camera? Check.

Some mornings I need a checklist to get out the door.

Backpack? check.
Camera? check.
Bear spray? check.
Briefcase? check.
Sandals? check.

I gather each item into my arms for the short trip down to my vehicle. I juggle my bundles and burdens into my left arm so I have one hand free for navigating through the doors and locks. There are more gyrations as I grab a forgotten wristwatch from the closet and clench it in my teeth.

Out the front door I am able to single-handidly lock up behind me. At the top step of the stairway I feel my load shift. I hear something thump to the ground. I recognize it instantly as it bounces down the first steps. My camera.

It had leapt from its holster and was now making an unprotected escape down the stairs. I was helpless, my bundle of stuff weighing me down, preventing me from rushing to the rescue. I can only watch it bounce and I wince with distress as it tumbles away.

Thump, "Oooh", thump, "ooh", thump, "ooh", thump, "ooh." I moan through my teeth at each bounce.

Feeling lucky that I only hear thumps and not the sound of breaking glass, I retrieved the camera at the bottom and make my way to the car where my burdens get dumped into the trunk. I inspect for damage.

Not so bad really. It works. What more do you need?

So far in its life this camera has been dropped on cement sidewalks, dropped on rocks, dropped in streams, dropped in snow and has now bounced down a flight of stairs. It is still hanging in pretty well. The viewscreen has a crack through it. It is covered with bashes, nicks and scratches. Yet it can still take a pretty good picture.

Loose the lens cap on the trail… Check.

Labels: camera, checklist, damage, dropping, ooh

Posted by: Montana Jones / 9:09 PM 1 comments